4 am is a nasty time of day. It is the time of day where your mind gets foggy, you crave sweets and you miss every single crush you have ever had. 4 am gets even WORSE when you have triggers- those little fire-y bullets that set off something worse. I do not drink, but to me 4 am is like being drunk- in a sense. Because here, at 4 am when my mind is blurred and I cannot think straight I do really stupid stuff. Like texting an ex, kissing a boy I don't even want to kiss or tweeting something wayyyy too personal. All of those stupid things I continually do are always in the middle of the night when lonliness sets in, and also are almost always set by triggers. "What exactly are triggers?" well, good thing in the world of Kenzie I have a few laid out and also some descriptions:
-Music: boy oh boy is this a trigger! I mean one second you can be listening to "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten and you're all like "heckz ya I don't need anyone I am a fighter!" and then next thing you know your Spotify comes on with a song that carries wayy too much emotional baggage and you're like "wow let me just text that boy" and then you wake up and see that you sent a text that you miserably regret. Don't listen to old music at 4am because you will ALWAYS regret it. Unless I mean your text works out in your favor, then keep doing you.
-Pictures: obviously, pictures take you back. I feel like when I look at a picture I am taken back to that place, old emotions flood back that I have worked so hard to bury and I even remember old funny memories or moments- like being at Disneyland and Amber was so mad because she was not a fan and so she sat all alone in the little Dole whip center. See that is not funny, but because I was very stressed and awfully sleep deprived and bugged at many things that memory makes me cry until I can no longer breathe.
-Meeting new people: for some reason, when someone walks out of my life and shuts the door with a loud bang, and someone skips into my life and opens my windows and fills them with sunflowers I start to find myself missing the dark figure that is no longer with me. And when that new person finds out more of your story and is starting to put your puzzle together, you have to undo some of the bandages you have around your heart and sometimes let the old in so you can let it hurt, before you let the new take over. Maybe I am saying this because I am a loyal loyal loyal person, or because for me 9:30pm is kind of my 4am, ugh 9:30pm you whore!!!
-Pinterest: quotes and images and just everything Pinterest okay. As I have emphasized sometime earlier, I am a Pinterest quote whore. I just love quotes that are applicable to me, because it is comforting to somehow put your feelings into words. Also images- especially those cute couple-y ones, those melt my heart. I love love love couple pictures, I crave them. But they make me sad sometimes because I become selfish and want that for myself. Ok now I am rambling because once again, 9:30pm you whore.
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The thing is, none of the "triggers" are bad things- the consequences are just horrendous. Because even if the action followed by the trigger is not true or accurate, for some reason 4 am dramatizes everything. Basically, I think it is best practice for everyone to not text late at night or listen to music late or anything late- but that's a personal opinion. Not a fan of 4 am evoked actions!!!
*Also funny moment- one time Carson asked what I was doing after work and I honestly was planning on going home and sleeping my long day away, but obviously I got caught up in watching 30 Rock and tweeting my feelings and snapchatting and at 10:30 I got a text from her "You said you were going to bed early YOU WHORE" And I just imagine her saying that to me, and the thought keeps me laughing for days.
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