So here's the thing, I have been fighting an internal battle concerning this blog post. Am I trying too hard? Will I seem desperate? Do I really want to start writing again? Will I be able to keep it up again??
The snarky and witty side of me won, per the usual, and I decided what better of a post to kick off the new Kenzie (how much do you hate me for referring to myself in the third person) than a resolution post?!
But wait! We are almost through the exciting and new and breath taking first month of the year, almost onto glitter consuming your lungs and whining at all of the couple posts' month known as February. But let's be real, when am I really on time for anything... returning texts... school... my goals...
But it's fine, it's fitting.
The other thing is I am about as good as keeping resolutions as boys are at keeping promises.
A few years back I read a blog post on a woman who has a "word of the year," kind of, and I really digged that because who has time to remember lists on lists of "I will eat healthy," "I will not text my ex," "I will read a book a month," and so on and so on. Because of my incredibly busy and exciting social and work life *bleeding sarcasm* or for a lack of better works, laziness, a word is exactly what my soul needs to try to better myself.
Past years my words have been "be brave," "be bold," and "be big." And boy oh boy was 2016 BIG. I made sure that every decision I made, every feeling I felt and every thought that came into my mind was big. I liked a boy? I made sure he knew. I was mad at you? Hahahahhaha you knew, please refer to my ex boyfriend for confirmation. I wanted something? I made every choice big and never took no for an answer.
This year is harder, I found a lot of quotes that seemed fitting like "Stop planting flowers in peoples yards that aren't going to water them," or "Never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings," or "You are enough, a thousand times enough," and as much as I love these quotes and I feel like they comforted me when I felt sad or alone, they all seemed to point me back to regrets or hurt feelings that I have towards 2016- and the thing is 2016 really was not that bad. Yeah I cried a lot, I almost gave up school and moved back home, and yeah I felt alone a lot but I also laughed more than I think I have in my entire life, I learned more from relationships than I think I could have being back at home in Arizona and I met the most amazing people who I hope stay in my life for eons to come.
I thought about qualities I want to work on. Be kind, be forgiving, be joyful, be charitable- be patient. That one came to my mind and the crowd of oohhhhs and aaahhhss sang in the background. I dwelled on that for a while and then I realized I have many qualities I can work on, but I do not want my word to be on something I lack. I want to be whole with who I am. I want to be confident and secure. and I want my word to radiate who I am and the potential I have.
I toyed with the idea of phrases. "Do something that makes you uncomfortable," came to mind until I realized I hate being uncomfortable and that is a long shot that anyone would find me performing any act in which I felt uncomfortable.
Well, a month later and not much more figured out, I came to a conclusion. I decided on a phrase, with emphasis on a word. My phrase for the year is "Life is Lovely."
I want 2017 to be lovely.
I want to be brave in 2017.
I want to be daring in 2017.
I want to be more loving in 2017.
I want to see the love in life, as cheesy and cliche and cringey as that sounds.
To me the word "lovely" encompasses so many qualities I want and also the ones I feel I am and that I radiate to others.
So here is to 2016 being hard and hurtful and humbling and crazy and inspiring and to learning a lot, but I hope 2017 is a little nicer to me and I promise to be nicer to 2017.
xoxo
Kenzie
