Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I Miss You


I've reached that point, I've reached that point where I love to reminisce on old stories and I love to make people listen to them. I'm basically your Great Aunt Marigold, I feel like pretty soon people will start avoiding me when I enter the room. I love to tell people my stories. I love stories. I love spilling the moments where I faked my age for a weekend, about the time I was super bold and snarky in Hawkhall to an ex, about my Proms, about the boys I have kissed- I just love memories. I love basking in them, I love enhancing my memories to fit my ideal image of high school. To me, stories are like Instagram posts. I remember the best of the best, and those are the times I tell people about. I saw this quote on Twitter today:

And then a dear long time friend texted me "do you ever miss high school," and this friend is the best kind of friend, because I do not have to fake feelings to be accepted by her. I simply said "yeah I do," and then we went into an in depth conversation (as deep as one can go over text) which ended up with me apologizing for talking so much about myself- which I often do. 
I've been thinking about this a lot, how I miss high school yet in no way, shape or form do I wish to once again walk those halls as a student. I miss the good parts, I miss seeing friends in between passing periods, I miss having a crush on the boy in front of me in seminary, I miss getting boys to do my clay projects for me and I miss the routine that high school brings. However, I don't miss the stressful schoolwork, I don't miss seeing the boys I like parade their girlfriends in front of me, I don't miss that sinking feeling of not understanding math and I definitely do not miss the drama that being in high school brings. I think it is important that as humans we need to realize that we are going to miss stuff. We are going to miss situations, relationships, people and so much more- but it is possible to miss something without wanting it back in your life. I feel like we just assume when we hear a friend is missing her ex or a friend misses high school that they are sad and want whatever they lost back in their life, but I think it takes a lot of understanding to miss things, and not want to be back at that point in your life. It takes a lot of understanding to realize that some things in your life, while you miss them, are pure toxic to you. It's okay to miss things without needing them back in your space. 
It is just weird to miss a time in my life where I so quickly wanted to escape from. I will be sitting on a beach in Phuket and get a weird feeling like "I kind of miss stuffing a Luna Bar in my face while I slam my breaks over the mt. Everest like speed bumps of Highland High to avoid yet another tardy in first period," like do I wish I was back there, instead of sitting on a beach sipping on a chocolate milk shake? For sure not. But little moments like that, for some odd reason, bring a happy memory to me. Like that was my life. My high school days were not (as much as I like to think they were) all football games and cute boys and dates every weekend, sometimes they were girl movie nights and closing shift at Nordstrom and pranking cute boys, and I miss that some days.
I was reading a journal entry from a while ago and I wrote something to the extent of "I miss my mom and my dad and my brothers, I miss amber and shay, I miss my dog- but missing things is good. Missing things means you have something in your life worth valuing." And I hold true to that statement today. 
So I'm that lame person who misses high school. I miss a majority of my friends being in one central location for a large part of the day, but I miss it without wishing to go back. I'm grateful I miss it, I don't want to look back on my last 4 years and think of heartbreak and biology homework and snotty girls (which sometimes I do, and I for sure don't miss those) but I am grateful for the moments I do miss, the moments that I like to spill in detail to anyone that will listen. 
It's okay to let ourselves miss someone, miss high school or miss the past- it means we once had something to cherish. And I am sure in 10 weeks and months and years I will miss what I am doing and experiencing now, it's just a cycle. 

Xoxo

Mosiah 24:14

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Hobbies: Running, Reading and Writing


(Written on a plane, obviously not at this moment)

I would much rather be sleeping right now, except the girl sitting next to me on the plane insists on having her very bright reading light shining on her (the both of us,) we have a challenging relationship. I mean I'm sure she's a great gal and all, except technically she stole my window seat. My ticket explicitly states "12D" which, designated by the diagrams, is a window seat. But whatever, I'm 18 so I won't throw a fit. I thought about letting her know that she probably accidentally (most likely on purpose) sat in (stole) my window seat, but by the looks of that book she cherishes she doesn't speak much English, so I'm managing. Also, she keeps stealing the armrest we share. We both put our arms there and awkwardly felt our elbows blush and I retreated, so she's got the window seat and the light and the armrest, but I'm keeping my cool. She also likes to stretch her body out, so her feet are halfway between my feet space and hers, but I mean at least one of us is comfortable. But because I got the aisle seat I got my Oreos before she got her peanuts, score! Except I open my tray table and it is broken, window seat/arm rest/feet space stealing b-!-t-c-h: 1, me: -43
Anyway, because I am out of reading material I reach for the magazine so gracefully provided by the airline and fell upon a page recognizing "ms congeniality of Firefly airline," and I chuckled under my breath for 2 reasons: 1.) she's only been working here for roughly 10 months so she must be DOING something right if you catch my drift and 2.) I want to be recognized in a magazine :-( I can hear all of my fans now, okay okay I admit I have been featured in a magazine once. Mckenzie Yee of Gilbert, Arizona creative director of clearlykenzie was featured in Go Gilbert! Circa 2009 for their back to school issue, I got to wear True Religion jeans and I even wore the bedazzled old navy flip flops I had brought along with me. Other models were there too, a teenage boy with a surfer bleach blond Justin Bieber hair do and a stick thin, possibly starved, brown haired girl my age, both hired from a modeling agency. I was there with my little brother because my parents won a silent auction at my dads work function, they didn't provide snacks but it was still quite glamorous. Yes I was a model! Ok stop asking! You're embarrassing me! 
Ms congeniality of Firefly airlines September 2015 issue's hobbies include "traveling, reading and cooking," oh wow she's diverse and probably well read. 
I'm kind of starting to realize that not all things are as they seem. My modeling claim to fame was definitely not all of the glamour I was hoping, and I bet ms congeniality September 2015 would much rather sit down with some reruns of her favorite sitcom and some "fish balls" (a big hit in Asia, actually) than cook all day with the discovery channel in the background while her perfect little Asian babies read her favorite novel to her in one of their 7 languages they speak. Okay now I'm just being harsh.
In my resume I list some of my hobbies as "running, reading, writing," ok here's the sitch b!tch: 
-I run, but I can barely make it a mile and a quarter without convincing myself my body is beautiful the way it is and I don't need to tighten my stomach to one day find a man. Then I convince myself I deserve 3 breakfasts and a day full of watching Greys Anatomy, but hey, at least I don't wear ballet flats with American Eagle jeans- or army pants. 
-I read, I mean it took me a year to read the first Maze Runner book and I actually saw the first and second movie before I finished the book, but it's something. Also I am in the middle of Harry Potter book 5 and have been since July, so you can say I'm pretty well read. Also I have very dutifully read the spark notes of The Hobbit, Heart of Darkness and several other assigned readings. Sorry English teachers, you were still some of my favorite teachers.
-I write in my journal 3-4 times a week and I emotionally vent/write/vomit on my little blog of mine so basically I am a writer, I will be doing a book signing at Barnes and Nobles at Santan mall, dates coming soon. 
The 3 hobbies included on my resume paint a completely different picture than the true human behind them. I'm not your average under achieving, happy go lucky 18 year old, no, I am much more than that! Some things just aren't as they seem. Some people, some intentions and some situations are just not as they seem. I have a hard time with this concept, I like things to be explicit so I see exactly what I am getting into without getting too emotionally invested. One time I let my guard down and jumped in, only to feel like I was getting fed to the sharks. But if I didn't jump in, if I didn't have that experience where I let something that wasn't as it seemed enter my life, I wouldn't be the same person I am today- making (attempting to) rude jokes about the girl sitting next to me on a plane. But for real, not everything is as it seems, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Life is scary, not everything comes with a clear coat where you can see what that package includes- the trials and happiness and experiences, but that's where we just have to trust that truly everything happens for a reason. 

xoxo

Friday, September 25, 2015

12 Things

I am aware that I do not know everything, I am aware that I hardly know anything and that I am still learning a lot about life and relationships and how to just be a functioning human being that doesn't give in to her want to sit in bed and watch Netflix all day (which I have been doing for the past two days by the way, okay the last week stop asking!) but I have learned a little bit, and there have been so many times in my life where I have done something or gone through something and wished that I could have seen that coming, that I somehow had the knowledge to change the twisted fate that I had recieved. Here are 12 things that I wish someone would have told me when I was 12.

12.) You are jealous of those teenage girls at the food court pizza line being hit on by that random guy, but don't be. Don't feel insecure because he isn't trying to flirt with you, you are 12. When you turn 16 and figure out how to apply mascara with proper caution and you know when to hold back on the eyeliner, you will be flirted with. And when your time has come and you are being hit on in the pizza line in the food court, while it is flattering yet kind of super disgusting, the line "I am sorry I would really like to get to know you but I have a boyfriend," works like a charm. Because trust me, no one wants a boy who sits around the food court at Chandler Mall trying to pick up girls for a boyfriend.
11.) Be friends with friends who make you laugh until your root beer spits out of your nose, friends that will try on hideous gowns with you in department stores and friends that you can confide in. The years coming up are challenging and thrilling and scary, and you will need some good backup when the storm hits hard.
10.) Take your mom's advice!!! Maybe I was just blessed with a mother who, as much as I do not want to admit it, is right about pretty much everything. Take her boy advice because guess what, she once liked a boy too and probably has a bit more experience in that department than you. I remember jumping into the car freshman year and screaming with my heart fluttering oh so fast, "MOM THE CUTE BOY WITH THE CUTE HAIR SAID 'heyyy McKenzie.'" and then she and I would carefully disect every moment of that interaction, and she would tell me what I should do next. Also while on the subject of moms, tell them everything. I remember the day after my first kiss I casually said with a squeal "guess what I did last night mom, I kissed a boy," and she was SO MAD at me that I didn't go and wake her up when I got home to tell her. And telling her was exciting. Friends are important, but your mom always has your best interest in mind, she is always rooting for you and you don't have to worry that her advice will backfire in the sense that she is secretly crushing on the same boy as you- like a friend might.
9.) You think boys are tough now? You think it is annoying how shy and awkward boys are? Wait until you get in highschool and those annoying boys suddenly become even cuter (if you can imagine that is possible) yet they still are annoying and awkward and sometimes shy, so now you have a dreamy boy sitting next to you who somehow just got 400 times more complicated in every way. It just gets more fun from there! Boys are kind of really dumb when they're 12, and when they're 14 and when they're 16 and guess what even when they're 18, and pretty much everything in between and a lot after. So when a boy is being dumb to you, remember "he is dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are."
8.) Kissing really is as great as everyone says and it isn't one of those overrated things. Also your first kiss will come, everyone has ones so just wait, your time will come young baby. Plus, I disagree with my mom on this- she says we learn from everything and all of that great stuff- but as Derek Shepherd puts it "every kiss before the right kiss doesn't matter anyway."
7.) Sometimes you will feel like you just didn't make the cut. Kind of like that selfie that wasn't cute enough for Instagram but not ugly enough for Twitter, you just didn't make it. Whether you didn't make the volleyball team or you didn't get the job or the boy didn't fall for you- you may feel as though you fall short, but trust me, if anything that boy who didn't like you back is cutting himself short because you, my dear, you are the sun. You shine bright, you are above the cut and anyone who fails to meet you there is beneath that.
6.) It is never okay ever to steal another girls boyfriend!!! And I know, a girl cannot single handidly (weird and wrong word I know I am aware) take away a boy from another girl, but do not go for the boy that is already engrossed in a relationship- it is never worth it. And maybe the boy seems as though he is worth it, but is a boy who drops another girl for you, the kind that you want? What if in three months a girl that catches his eye comes along, you might have to worry about him dropping you too.
5.) Everything looks better on Instagram- oh wow what is that? You have never heard that before? No one in your life has ever told you that social media is not 100% truthful? Well you are in luck 12 year old McKenzie, because I am here to do the job! The thing is, some of my most memorable nights with friends actually are not photographed and filtered on Instagram, not every boy I have kissed I have taken a selfie with and tweeted it and not every exciting moment in my life is plastered on social media. A lot of it is, but still. It is so easy to fake happiness through an Instagram post, so when you think you are missing out on something because everyone else's Valencia filtered pictures of them "lunch dating <3" at costa vida are kind of killing your vibe, suck it up and remember you really like Some Burros more- and also you don't know what is going on behind the picture. 
4.) Don't not wear something because no one else thinks it's cute, and don't wear something because everyone else things it's cute. I wore combat boots one day of my life my junior year and I still regret that decision, I never liked those. And I am sure that many of my outfits were judged with those "look up and down" eyes by girls who were thinking "why is she mixing a print with a print it kind of looks like a toddler dressed her," and then they would walk away with their nose higher than their GPA. Basically, wear what makes you feel happy, what makes you feel like your best self and what gives you the confidence to walk up to that cute boy in the cafeteria and give a flirty "hello," while in line for cheese fries. 
3.) Probably learn to stop cringing everytime you walk past the bra and underwear sections in stores with your mom, because teenage girls like to talk about that stuff when they get older and you're going to have to get comfortable with that. As much as passing the underwear box in Target makes you want to crawl open the ground beneath you, suck it up and look the other way if you have to.
2.) Don't get hung up on not getting "that text back," or getting "hit with the reads," or that sinking feeling when he opens your snapchat and doesn't respond. There are two responses I tell myself when I find myself in the blues because of this. 1- He most likely is busy and just cannot answer me. 2- I do not want a boy who can't take 3 seconds out of his day to shoot me back a text to tell me he is busy so he will text me later. If a boy ignores your text, find a new boy to text. Heck go text his best friend, make the boy jealous. Whatever, you're young, boys are like a buffet- you can pick and choose what you want, because unfortunately they are going to play you, so you gotta play or get played.
1.) You are going to feel alone a lot in the next couple of years, you are going to have times where you feel fat, your hair looks gross, you do not measure up, you aren't smart enough, the list goes on. When those dark clouds come over you do not let yourself sink in too far, recognize what it feels like to be bummed so when you feel that feeling starting to come over you again you will know what you need to do to solve your situation.

12 year old McKenzie, you will flunk a final, land your dream job, loose friends and meet friends, learn to love Diet Coke, get your heart broken, break some hearts, learn to study the scriptures, be confused and lost but one day you will be listening to a sweet 10 year old bless the food and thank your Heavenly Father for you and you will realize that all of the hurt and sorrow you once felt sometime in your past is merely a memory. You will realize that sometimes people and things have to go out of your life, only to make room for better things to come. So heads up, you may never completely make it out of your "awkward phase," but you will find out about eyelash extensions and those help.


xoxo

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

19 in 19


I turn 19 in 19 days. Gross, I know. I am old. Not old like I have a bad back and I complain about my food at restaurants, but the kind of old where "sh*t gets real, real fast," and where I kind of have to make grown up decisions and I have to think about taxes- gross, again. 
When I was 12, I pictured that at 19 I would be fully engrossed in my studies at some amazing university, I would have a boyfriend and I would basically know everything. Oh how I kind of misjudged that one. The number 19 was always enchanting to me, which is odd because I feel as though everyone else in this world thinks of it as an awkward age where you are waiting to enter your twenties, but for me it is exciting and funny and sparkly. 18 was a really challenging, educating and amazing year for me, I learned a lot about how I do not know a lot, and I am okay with that. I have come up with 18 words or phrases to describe my 18th year- my senior year, kind of the year where everything changed for me.

1. Change
2. Love the lovers, play the players
3. Laughter
4. Tears
5. Loss
6. Running
7. Love
8. Work
9. Pushing the limits
10. Pranks
11. Goodbyes
12. Revenge
13. Bold
14. Boys
15. Confusion
16. Hellos
17. Friends
18. Beginning

xoxo

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Mixed Messages


My freshman year of high school I had a crush on this boy. I remember this moment like it is an important one in the box of "McKenzie's memories that shaped her into the outstanding human being she is today," (that box is a collection of words of wisdom during back scratches from mom, broken hearts experienced because of boys and the day I decided to try Diet Coke) this boy walked up to me at the end of 5th period Honors English class and put his hands up, I assumed he was going in for a hug because his hands were up and he said with excitement "McKenzie!" And because of my vast experience with boys at that point, I went in for a hug. Bad move, because after we pulled away he chuckled "Oh I was going in for a high five but that's cool too," my cheeks still turn red when I think of that moment.
Here's the thing, boys give mixed messages like Frat parties hand out STD's, it's inevitable. This is hard because to a girl, when a boy smiles at her in the hallway her heart is melting and she is already envisioning their wedding day and has decided to go with sunflowers rather than garden roses for the bridesmaids, a bold choice she tells her friends in the cafeteria. And then she turns around and sees that same boy, the same boy who offered the sweet smile basically asking for her hand in marriage in the process, is clearly flirting with that blond girl over a tray of french fries. So not cool, because the girl has already chosen their wedding colors to make sure they compliment both of their skin tones, and now he is throwing everything away! Ugh the nerve! Naturally, this is the blond girl's fault, because it is better to believe that she someone casted a spell on this boy to flirt with her, rather than he thinks she is cute and the girl refuses to believe that he smiles like that to every girl in the hallway. Like it is easy for a boy to hand out mixed signals, it is easy for a girl to blame another girl for her crush not reciprocating the same feelings.
I wish that boys came with a warning label, like a "WARNING: I will lead you on and when I find the next best offer swoop that up before I have time to give you another thought," or "WARNING: I will make you fall for me by the fact that I am falling for you, and then crush your heart and I will move on and you will watch me move further from your heart," or "WARNING: I am not a nice guy," but instead, boys come with mixed messages. He comes with the cutest crooked smile you have ever seen, he comes with the greatest hugs a human can experience, but he also comes with an expiration date, which of course like the warning label, is hidden underneath all of that dreaminess.
May strength and clear headiness be with us all when trying to decode these mixed messages.

xoxo

Friday, September 18, 2015

The Best Is Yet To Come


"Why Do Happy Things Still Make You Sad

I just find it funny that someone or something who brought utter pure joy into your life, can be something that haunts your soul. How twisted is that? I will see a picture of a moment in time, I will tell a story of a funny moment or I will hear a song that will remind me of all the feelings I felt and I will feel sad because I still have those feelings, and then I get sad that something so happy is burdening my soul and is making my body into a huge frowny face. Life and friends and love should be happy. Those are happy things. I feel like the universe is bending the rules on me and is letting happy things remind me of emotions, and the universe is letting me be sad. I need some ice cream now."
-Found in my drafts for this blog on the date of 25th, probably written late at night from the obviously clear message I am trying to establish. And because of the very likely fact that it was written in the wee hours of the morning, I never chose to publish it. Now today, September 18th, I am responding to my dark and twisted soul of May 25th, on the fact that remembering happy things made me sad.

So here's the thing, I still can't watch Friday Night Lights without thinking about a boy I was deeply infatuated with and we would watch it together and I find myself start to miss who I was when I hung out with him, I can't listen to "Teardrops On My Guitar" because I would have that song on replay during my parents divorce (how a loss of a boy and a divorce connect to a 13 year old girl I have no idea???) and I feel those feelings I felt, and I still can't look at pictures of EFY Hawaii circa 2013 without falling deeply in love with my EFY COW Patrick (he was a tennis player at Skyline High and I was sure we were destined for each other.) 
I read in Cosmo once that we, as girls and ladies and women, should not stop watching our favorite TV show because it reminds us of our ex. So I turned on an episode of Friday Night Lights, and went on a major Taylor Swift quote binge about 3 minutes into the episode. That is the one time in my life that I took Cosmo's advice and it failed me. But here's the thing, I was never crazy about Friday Night Lights, I was crazy about the person I was watching it with- I just loved that he loved that I loved it.
I think about this a lot, not because I am still wondering what team Smash signed onto, but because I think a lot about how the memories we have associate with feelings we feel.
It is actually cool, how I can listen to a song and close my eyes and feel every throat tightening, cannot breathe and life shattering experience that I felt five years ago. I am thankful for this, I am thankful that I can remember the pain and the hurt that I have experienced because when something comes into my tiny world that I think for sure, this is going to take me down, I can look back to when I thought I would never breathe again and see that I got past that, I can get past this. That passed, this too shall pass. Some days are harder than others, some days I am sad, some days I miss who I was and how everything felt, but I am just relying on faith that the best is yet to come.
So, May 25th McKenzie, we have come a far way. You still do not have a boyfriend, you still can't go down a pant size in jeans (except for Paige brand because they stretch) but you still do not have a broken and bleeding heart. You still can't watch Friday Night Lights or listen to "Teardrops On My Guitar," but you can find happiness in the darkness, and you don't let the happiness of what once was, overcome the chance to be happy for what can be.

xoxo

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Friends are Fragile: Handle With Care (And Icecream)


I have made an executive decision: being a best friend is the toughest job in the world. Well, in my 18 year old nannying world at least. A best friend wears many hats when you're 18. When you're 18 and your world revolves around cute boys and gross school and just trying to make it through the day without another emotional break down, your world is in desperate need of a Meredith Grey to your Cristina Yang, or vice versa.

A best friend wears the cap of a match maker. As your best friend, it is in explicitly written that she must perform wing woman duties when asked upon because no one wants to see a best friend single, also it is just the nice thing to do. This cap of the match maker means you will take selfies looking ugly only to brighten the shine of your bestie in the picture, you will investigate the targets life and find out what he thinks of your BFF while also mentioning tidbits of information that will put your best friend in the best possible light to him, you basically forgo some of your social life for a little to put a bit of happiness in your best friends- it is a sacrifice every best friend has to make. And your best friend will do the same for you, every healthy best friend relationship requires some give and take.

Your best friend wears the hat of a therapist, to give you all of the best advice she or he can muster, to tell you when you are being downright ridiculous, to be a shoulder to cry on when you feel like your heart cannot take anymore. As a therapist you watch your best friend make stupid mistakes with her heart and that stupid boy, and you spoon feed her death wishes upon that boy that crushed her like you will spoon feed her Ben & Jerry's the night of the break up. A part of this hat comes with being an excellent listener, not a good or sub par listener, but an excellent one. Every girl goes through this time in her life, maybe once ever or maybe once a week, but it is what Amber calls a "boy peak," where it seems as though every boy in the universe is into you. Those are awesome times. Those times are like eating a Krispey Kreme doughnut- so scrumptious and desirable in the moment, but once it is gone, you are left feeling like you are about to throw up your whole stomach, from either the donut or the boys. This tends to occur post break up, and when it happens, girls like to gush. Girls love to let other girls know when they are wanted, they like to hear the reactions of "Billy told me I am cute," and "Joe said he wants to take me for a drive to the lake," which by the way Joe is probably a hoe and just wants a backseat make out, but a best friend doesn't say that. A best friend opens her mouth as far as it will go and bugs her eyes out and is interested in every detail of the 12 minute texting conversation you and Joe the hoe had (name courtesy to Paige.) This is one of the challenging time for a best friend, because although best friends are trained to listen to the multiple boy stories, a best friend can only muster up so many different reactions to "Frank Bob Justin Cool Guy told me he thinks my butt is cute, again!!!," so when you are experiencing a boy peak, please gab and gush to your person, but please do not over do it. And as a footnote to being an excellent listener, keeping those secrets your best friend funnels into your mind are tightly sealed with a padlock and you are not to tell a soul. You do not tell a boy, you do not tell your mom, and you certainly under any possible circumstance do not tell another girl. This girl has trusted in you to be her person, her BFF, and you must keep the sacred vow of keeping her secrets like you would like yours to be kept. It is just expected. 

Another hat found in a best friends closet is the hat of loyalty, which I feel I gab on all of the time about, but this cute bedazzled baseball cap ;-) of practicing the art of having RBF in defense of your best friend. When it comes to contact with that one person that your best friend will probably be cursing in her grave, you hold your own RBF in support of her. You support her, you hold her hand and her heart in defense of that one person because you are her person- the award for the same words used over and over again in the same sentence goes to me, thank you, I gracefully accept this award and would like to thank my best friends who hold RBF's with me, you keep doing you. You don't have to actually dislike your person's one person, but you do not have to become best friends with your person's one person either. Award number two is in the mail and I am expecting it in 3-8 business days. This subject is a little touchy and a little risky and a little iffy, but basically someone who makes your best friend of all time and eternity feel like they are the scum of the earth, is someone who you will not be inviting to your backyard bbq/slumber party, metaphorically speaking of course.

Friends are important to me. My friends are a part of the reason why I have kept going, why I keep going and why I will keep going in the future. Friends are these little precious gems of goodness that we as humans must cherish, nurture and love because what they give in return is more than our brains can imagine and comprehend. My friends have taught me that people need people, that they will always be there when boys aren't, and that it is okay sometimes to sit in bed and eat pizza with cheese crusts. Everyone needs someone to lay on the floor with them when you're in a tutu and a bikini top and your prom shoes because you miss a boy, that is the kind of person that sticks around for the lowest of the lows, and the kind of person I am grateful for even when I find myself listening to anther's tales of her boy peak.

Be good to friends, friends are fragile.

xoxo

Monday, September 14, 2015

Slutty Nurse, Anti Halloween, Cannon Ball

When I was in fourth grade I used to walk back from my math class everyday with a particular blond girl, and everyday she would sing and it would make me so uncomfortable. I don't know, I get uncomfortable easily. And then to make the situation that much better, she would ask me if I thought she was good and through my teeth I would muster out a "yes amazing," and then speed walk back to my safe classroom, and walk past my crush where he would look up and smile at me and I would stick my tongue out at him- I was a master at flirting even back then. But at this time in life is the time when I started to categorize people. There was those girls who sang in the hallway and in the bathroom during recess, there was those girls who would wear tight booty jean shorts to school and they never had their hair done, there was those girls who used a napkin on their lap during lunch (???), the list went on. Well, on until about 10 maybe, and when I would meet someone they would fit inside that category. I didn't do it to make a person less than they were or to judge quickly (which I am aware this is what that sounds like) I just did it as a comfort thing, and also as a way to remember who was who and who liked what and who liked who. With Fall quickly approaching and thoughts of pumpkins and bonfires circling in our brains, I thought I would have a few quick categories of different types of girls who dress up as different costumes for Halloween. (Idea courtesy of Shay Bae)

Slutty Nurse: "It is so good to see you, I am so glad to see that you went back and got your degree," if you do not remember this part of The Office when Michael is speaking to the nurse stripper in the beginning of season four, the episode labeled "fun run," then you cannot truly grasp the humor of The Office and we have a very large chance of not becoming friends- your loss obviously because I am clearly a sane, drama free and free spirited type of girl. We all know that girl who uses Halloween as the excuse to dress up as a total skank, which, if you got it flaunt it. YOU DO YOU. I mean if I had the amenities to rock that low cut, tight and short slutty nurse outfit you can bet your bottom dollar I would want to rock it too, but I don't- for personal reasons, not for the reason I do not have the amenities because I cannot stop eating those darn chocolate tarts. Anyway, so we got the slutty nurse who will lure boys into her "health" and "brains" to get a check up, if you know what I mean.

Anti Halloween: AKA anti fun, AKA you hate smiles, AKA you hate sugar and children and probably do not like happiness. This is the girl who will throw on a black t shirt with a glittery spider and show up to the Halloween party as a "spider" oohhh creative! and call it good. If that's you, then that's you, just know that no one thinks you really are a spider and don't forget that you are taking the only day of the year where you can dress up as anything you want and wasting it on a crappy t shirt with a pair of skinny jeans and your old beat up converse, you probably curled your extensions perfect and maybe you have long glittery eyelashes, because that is very spidey- like.

Cannon ball: I call this girl the "cannon ball" because when you jump into the pool in a cannon ball fashion, everyone knows what is going on and everyone notices you and you splash, naturally, and the "cannon ball" type of girl makes a splash in her Halloween costume. She has the wig, she has the face paint makeup, she even has the ripped stockings with the fake cuts underneath on her legs for effect, she basically is Cady Heron when she walks into the Halloween party in that one scene of Mean Girls. Amidst slutty nurses, skanky bunnies and plenty of Anti-Halloweeners, you definitely make a splash. Your presence is hard to miss, for your blow up costume with the lights twinkling and most likely fireworks shooting out take up most of the room, but embrace it. YOU DO YOU.

I love Halloween. I love that one day of the 365 days we are given a year (granted we are not experiencing a leap year) we can dress up and be whatever we want, whoever we want- and it is normal. It is expected. I am a firm believer in the fact that what you wear changes your attitude and your self esteem to a point, so on Halloween we can be the sluttiest, the most boring, the utterly fantastic whatever our hearts want us to be- and that is *a neon flashing lights sign of* wonderful.

xoxo

Saturday, September 12, 2015

I Love You September


I have a love affair with September. It is like the pre season to fall, well as fall as Malaysia or Arizona can get really. I think I am so infatuated with September because to me September holds routine and consistency. By September my routine has set in from my messy sleep schedule of summer,  school is in full swing and by September I am starting to slightly sniff fall, my ultimate favorite season.
*Fun fact* whatever season it is, is my ultimate favorite season, I am wishy washy like that.
Fall is also building up to my legit, true, no lie here favorite month of all time October. I love the build up. The pause before the kiss, the split second before the roller coaster shoots off, the plane ride to a vacation. The pure possibility of what could happen the next second is exhilarating and heart pounding worthy. September is when my mind begins to fathom my legs surviving in shorts in cold (70 degree) weather, September is when cuddling becomes necessary for survival, September is that unexplainable moment before something exciting is about to happen- that moment where your brain pauses and your palms sweat with excitement and the unknown is about to become the known.
September is like the feeling that Maleficent has when she is walking through the woods and she is destroying that brick wall behind her, it is how Tina Fey felt walking into that New Years Eve party in her best GAP jeans and turtleneck to look great in front of her ex boyfriend and his new blond dancer girlfriend, September is showing up to prom looking amazing with hopes to make your ex be jealous beyond belief. It is that moment of amazing hope, hope that what is coming is better than what you have right now.
And then suddenly the known hits, and it is October. Even the word October is so stinking cute, I am a bit biased. October is scary movies (ultimate favorite) and first kiss stories and warm and fuzzy, I am thankful for October.
I am thankful for September for preparing us for October.
xoxo

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Not Caring Is Not Cool


High waisted jean booty shorts, bailing on someone, french fries without ketchup- not cool.
Crushes, milkshakes, big hugs- way cool.

"Tbh I am really good at texting back I just say I am not to sound more cool and less desperate." For some reason, the cool thing is not to care. When you're crushin' hard core on that cute boy in front of you in class, the cool and cute thing to do is be unavailable and not care that he makes your heart beat super fast when he whispers "hey" followed by your name. (Side note, isn't the way a cute boy says your name like the best thing since sliced bread?!) 
For some odd reason, showing no affection gets one more affection. For some reason, in this odd and beautiful world if I do not text back I suddenly gain power, but why can't sincere caring be cool and hip and groovy. Now I have fallen for this too, I have tried to not care when I am majorly crushing and unfortunately it works, and I have too backed off from a boy who shows too much interest.. unfortunately. IT IS JUST THIS SUCKY THINGS WE AS HUMANS DO. It's kind of like the thing about not liking your exes current fling or whatever as previously mentioned in "My Favorite Things To Hate: EXPLICIT" this "showing I care" thing is just not cool. Like no one wants a clingy girl, but also why in the heck is showing that I think you're kinda cute clingy? Why is it a big deal if you know I think you're cute? How does that alone suddenly make me less desirable? I mean the heart wants what it wants, but if you ask me, I am more likely to fall for a boy who shows a little interest rather than one who will text me and not respond after I do, what a world we live in. Ugh.

xoxo

Monday, September 7, 2015

So Here's The Thing

So here's the thing, my blog was conceived out of wedlock. I didn't create clearlykenzie to inspire people, to share workout tips, to spill where the greatest deals are, to showcase how spectacular this life I'm living is, it was created out of a quick moment of anger and sass and the want to get back at the source of my anger. My first post "oops," came out of my bitter, sarcastic, heartbroken side. I was sad at a boy who broke my heart, embarrassed me, made promises he chose not to keep, I was a mess. When I wanted to take a stab at that situation I would blog it out, I cope with humor. I would cover my feelings in a thick layer of satire to ease my soul, and slowly but surely my soul was put to ease. My best posts come from that bitter part of me that lets out all of my annoyances, but here's the thing- that bitter part of me is healing. My life is calmer now, I'm not boiling with anger when I think of a heartbreak, I'm not saying my life is perfect, because by all means it is far from it, but I'm happy. I read my scriptures, I keep people in my life who uplift me, I get to care to 4 of the sweetest kids on this planet and they bring a smile to my face everyday. I don't have a boyfriend, or a perfect hot bod, or even my full wardrobe, but I'm just happy. I have my bad days, I have days where I get jealous from a post on social media, where I get a flash of emotion from a song or a picture, days where I miss my mom lots, but I'm not bitter. 

So what I'm trying to say is, clearlykenzie might be a bit dull for a little, I'm sorry. I don't have anything to be bitter about, to pull my wit out and make snarky remarks on. I still get bugged like crazy at boys, I still don't like army pants, but I'm not waving my white flag on this blog, I'm just saying to the maybe 3 people that read my blog, I'm putting a pause on my pity party I like to occasionally throw and I am celebrating being happy. I'm continuing to post thoughts that pop into my head because we all know I have lots of crazy ones, and sometimes a memory comes to mind and I want to spill about my feelings and experiences, but don't give up on clearlykenzie. I'm maturing, I'm learning how to handle life when it doesn't go how I want it to, I'm learning to literally find joy in the mess- and this whole learning thing is actually quite messy. And I mess up, a lot. So believe in clearlykenzie, believe in celebrating happiness, believe in kisses, believe in kind words, believe in sugar, believe in friends.

Xoxo

Friday, September 4, 2015

Things To Remember

-it's always better to be together
-love the lovers, play the players
-every occasion calls for Taylor Swift
-don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to
-feelings are a gross thing and should always be avoided at all costs
-"all men are fools, the sooner you learn that the better"
-sometimes your everything isn't someone else's everything, but it will be for someone
-someone has to protect your heart, and sometimes you are the only person you can count on to do it
-not everyone you loose is a loss
-fake it 'til you make it, but you're gonna have to make it sometime
-when in doubt, doughnut it out
-you have to move on sometime
-it's okay to not be okay
-even if you suck at singing, never stop singing in the car 
-sometimes One Direction just hits the spot
-it's easier to forgive than to hold a grudge, as sucky as it seems :-/
-don't tell someone you miss them if you don't
-it's okay to text first sometimes!!!
-don't open old wounds, don't read old texts, don't let yourself miss someone who doesn't think about you
-friends let friends make crappy decisions, then friends hold their friends hands and hearts when that crappy decision breaks their heart
-go for what you want because always wondering what you're missing out on is sucky
-dressing up in hotel bath robes and taking selfies is fun when you're 8 or when you're 18

Xoxo