Indecisive

I am really indecisive, like crazy, exhausting and annoyingly indecisive. I cannot make a decision to save my life, kind of. The thing is, most of the time I really do have an opinion or I really do have my mind made up, I just am afraid to see how everyone around me will react. I do not want to step on any one's toes or make anyone uncomfortable, except when choosing where to eat because that is a time that I truly have no preference where to eat, I love all food- I am a lover of all food, so bring it on.

Girls know what they want. 

Girls want to be loved.

Girls want to love.

Girls want to feel pretty.

Girls want to be told they are pretty.

Girls want a cute boy to notice them.

But not knowing what that cute boy wants, how he is going to react, that is the scary part. That is where I think the indecisiveness comes from.

One time, I was crushing on this boy and after I hung out with him I immediately called Paige to gab about our hangout at in n out. Paige is a really good listener and really good at advice, she is basically who you call in any situation- she also is very good at phrasing texts, she basically is the reason why I got half the boys I did. Anyway, I was telling her how I was afraid to like this boy, how I was afraid he was playing with my emotions and that I really should not like him because it will end up in shooting flames and I would be devastated, see I was smart once. But inside, I knew that the possibility of it ending horribly wasn't going to stop me from going for the cute boy, because how do you tell yourself not to feel something you so strongly, purely and vividly do? You just do not. I could debate and make a pros and cons list all night with Paige, but all along I knew what I wanted: him.

Girls know what they want.

I haven't felt uncertain about a person, situation or relationship in a very long time, like back to my dark ages time, and the other day I did. I felt uncertain because I thought I wasn't quite sure what I wanted, and it was when I realized that I know what I want, I just wasn't sure what the other person wanted- and that makes me anxious, that makes me scared and that makes me uncertain. That was the most awful feeling, and I felt similar to how I did when I felt broken. 

So, girls, stop being uncertain. Stop questioning what you really want, what you really deserve and what you are really worth. Don't let the fear of a fireball finale hold you back from stating what you want. Be certain in what you need. It is okay to cause a reaction among your peers, it is okay to want something and to let yourself feel all of the emotions that come along with it, because if we didn't feel those annoying emotions, we wouldn't feel the good ones too. You have to know the lows to know the good stuff.

xoxo

"He Is Very Dreamy"

"He is very dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are."

-Cristina Yang

Today I was calming down the temper tantrum of a very fiesty 8 year old and she seemed to calm down when I would start to tell a story. The story would end and she would again try to escape to run away and never come back! Ever! And then I started a long story, a long story where I let someone be the sun in my life, and I got burned. I love the look in her eyes when I told her about the butterflies I got, I crave the excitement I could see inside of her when I told her I remember what I wore when he kissed me for the first time, I feel the sadness of her face when I told her how my body was so sad and so broken for the first time.

There is no right way to have a relationship, no right way to get a boy to fall for you, and no right way to handle a break up. But if I could have one wish, I wish I would have told myself the words that Cristina told Meredith as she (I won't give the plot away too much).. as she went.. she said the words "He is very dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are." I love that. That like totally feeds my wounded soul! But seriously, that is a reminder that every girl who falls for a boy with dreamy eyes needs. It feels great to be so wrapped up in like that you can't see straight, but always remember that it is okay to put yourself first. It is okay to do something because you want to, it is okay to ditch him for the night to have a girls night with friends, not only because when things get bad your friends will be the ones there for you, but because that is what you want to do. It is so easy to get caught up in someone who you let be your sun, but don't let your own sun fade out too much.

xoxo

We've All Been There: Boy Edition

Been there, done that.

I feel like crushing on or dating certain kind of guys is a rite of passage, like there are those types of guys that we just have all been there. I am not saying there is only a certain amount of types of guys, but I am sure that if you looked at your past "history" you could almost label your past loves as "the schmoozey guy," or "the bad boy," or "the perfectly perfect guy who wasn't the perfect guy," so I have put together a list of types of guys that I am sure we have all been there and done that.

The Guy That Will Be Different: "I know he has said that to her, but he means it this time," "he has this reputation, but he is being real with me," "it just feels so real that he has to be being real with me," I am not blaming or shaming any girl who has spoken these words, because these have all been spoken out of my lips, justifying the wrong guy to be the right guy. Okay so he is a player, but you are going to be the girl to change him! Okay he has a hard time committing but you are going to be the girl to make him commit! Okay so he has a reputation for breaking hearts, but you are going to be the girl to break his! I am going to let you in on a little secret that I have learned in my young 19 years: a boy will not change if he does not want to. The douche bag in your bio class is not going to be the Danny Zuko to your Sandy Olsson, he isn't going to automatically stop playing games with girls hearts because he has "found the one" when he is 18 and is in high school. Falling for The Guy That Will Be Different is a rite of passage, it teaches the girl who has fallen to not step below her worth, to rise above and to find the boy that treats her how she deserves, not one that she has to change so that she can finally get the Prince Charming she has been dreaming of.

The Perfectly Perfect Guy Who Wasn't The Perfect Guy: He is the nice guy, the kind of guy that wants to be a dentist and has plans to settle down with his beautiful wife and three kids, the kind of guy that wants to spend his weekends with the family and their golden retriever, the kind of guy that your great grandmother would be proud that you brought home. He does everything right, he opens doors for you and is super sweet and says nice things, but you find yourself falling for the idea of the Perfectly Perfect guy rather than the guy himself. Letting this guy down is hard, because he has not done anything wrong. How do you tell a Perfectly Person that the thing he is missing, is unexplainable and unable to put in words? But it is possible, and it must be done. This boy taught you how to break a heart, and that you still got a little bit of game left in you.

The Emotionally Unavailable Guy: Holy heck to hannah can we talk about anything hotter than a guy with issues, like you see a bad boy walking down the street with a grunt in his steps and you see the hurt and pain in his eyes and you want more than anything to fix him. You, again, want to be that girl to finally break this guy down and to let him learn to love. You might chip away at his hard exterior, but it never really goes away until he decides he wants it to go away, which only time can tell. The sucky thing about this guy is that because he is so emotionally unavailable you never have closure with him, you are always left with the lingering "what if," like "what if I could have been the girl to get to his heart?" Or "What if he still thinks about me?" Well, sorry to break it to ya girl, but he is long gone and moved on. He is onto the next girl, where she too needs to learn that she can't fix someone to love her, that she needs to find someone who is ready to love her the way she is ready to be loved.

The Rebound Guy: I love this guy! Big fan, big fan. My mom says "The best way to cure a broken heart is to find someone new," and wow I testify to that today, amen sista friend! Everyone has to be some body's rebound, that is just the way it is. Now, don't get too emotionally invested in the rebound, because while in the time frame of having a rebound you still miss your ex, you still kind of want him back and you still need a distraction from him. Basically your rebound is the distraction, the distraction from your bleeding and throbbing heart, and is honestly the quickest and most fool proof way to get over a guy, unless you get "the feels," then you should do as directed: take a step back and assess the situation, are you and said rebound hook up buddies or is there more emotion there, and is the emotion felt from missing your ex, or do you have real feelings? And are these feelings mutual? Because if not, step back before you get burned too quickly. Find a new way, I don't know that way but it has got to be out there. Let me know when you find it.

The Guy You Can't Have: He has a girlfriend, he comes with too much drama, he is your exes best friend, this guy, whoever and whatever he is, is like that McDonald's cup full of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, smiling at you, while you are on the first day of your "no soda," lifestyle (diet.) He is dreamy and flirty and messes with your wounded heart, but you can not have him. Every part of your senses is telling you no, but also screaming yes. Like cool down emotions, I can only take one at a time here. But it is all good, because this too shall pass, because either you get him or you don't. STORY TIME: One time, I totally fell for The Guy You Can't Have, like, under the circumstances it looked like a low blow of me, but I had indeed "caught the feels" and I acted on it in the best way I could, waiting for him to notice me until I moved 9,000 miles away and confessed my true and undying crush on him. It ended there, which is how most stories with The Guy You Can't Have go, stories over, time to go home, the end. The thing about The Guy You Can't Have is that he is named that for a reason, if you can't have him, there is a meaning, one that we can see now or that will be unfolded to us in the future. 

I really so much truly do hope that everyone in this world finds The Guy They Deserve, the guy who fills them up and the guy who makes everything jealous, bad and malicious in this world fade away. I don't really know that much about love, or anything, but I know that if we open our hearts, we will all be blessed with an undying love, maybe one greater than Danny and Sandy. Best wishes.

xoxo

The D Word

So here's the thing, I will and love to openly talk about heartbreak. I live to gab about the boys I've kissed, the boys that broke my heart and the boys who's hearts I've broken. I can carry on a conversation about my goals, the milestones I've overcome, the milestones I've seen my friends overcome. I can, and have, built friendships based on my simple love for the art of fashion. I can discuss the body image issues I've had, I can sympathize with the girls who have felt fat and have felt unworthy of a cute boy and who just do not like themselves. I can even talk about bras- sometimes. I openly spill my emotions on every subject, except for the big scary one. Divorce. The first time that I let myself talk and write about the Divorce was when I was writing a college essay, about 3 1/2 years after It happened, and I sat in the airport sobbing uncontrollably because that pain that I had worked so hard to bury deep beneath me was finally reappearing, and it hurt worse than anything I knew. If only I knew what heartbreak felt like then. ;-) That was a breaking point for me, when I finally really accepted my reality. That I am among the majority of our country, living among the broken homes.

I think the word "broken" when describing my family is a part of what stabbed me so hard. I wasn't broken because my mom and dad no longer lived together anymore. I was still loved, I still saw my dad every week and he never disappeared. I was still fed and clothed and I made it to school, almost, everyday. 

But today I was talking to the cutest and sassiest 4 year old imaginable about my family. I explained how I have 2 brothers that are my own, and then on one side I have 2 step sisters and one step brother, then on the other side I have 3 step sisters and 3 step brothers. I have two moms and two dads. I have like quadruple the grandparents. It is kind of a hard concept for a 4 year old to grasp, I thought, until she said "you are so lucky you have so many people in your family," and I remembered what I wrote in my journal the summer my dad got married. "I just have more people in my life to love," and I am not saying by any means from that point on that I was the perfect step daughter or step sister, I am sure my family can vouch for me ;-), but I think at that point I truly realized to love what is in front of me. To soak in the trials I am faced with, and become a better person. Sometimes the only happiness we have in our lives is the happiness what we create out of our heartbreaking, devastating and just crappy situations. 

But as I think of this concept, that I may have a "broken" family, that I simply have more people I get to love, I think of the phrase "come what may and love it," that phrase just speaks to my soul! I mean that phrase gets me all hallelujah-ing and swaying to the truth it speaks, because I think if there is one phrase I will remember until the day I die, is to let "come what may and love it." Because when the world in front of you is crumbling, when all you know is lost, when your parents divorce or you boyfriend breaks up with you, you have one reality in front of you. You can't hangout at a friend's house where the family is happily together or third wheel on your friends relationship for forever, at some point reality becomes reality and you have to accept it. But just because reality can suck, doesn't mean that you have to have the life sucked out of you too.

This phrase is a tricky one, because when what comes comes, and it does- trust me- it comes hard. There have been few times in my life where I have felt it come down on me, but when it does it kind of feels like there is an earthquake inside of my little world and also a plague is going through the world and also all dogs on the planet are dead, that is pretty much what it feels like. And if I could take my own advice daily, of finding the joy in the hardest and most bitter parts of life, I would be a lot better off. But for some reason, because I have finally come to terms with my reality, that yeah I have a family that grew about 5 times in size within 5 years, I feel like I need to let the universe know that I am okay with talking about "the D word."

xoxo

Good Friend vs. Best Friend

Me: I am running out of fuel, I do not have any more good and fiery blog posts anymore

Carson: The difference between a good friend and a best friend

So when I am on Ellen for my sassy blog, I have a few people to thank. The boy who inspired my infamous first blog post "oops," my utter distaste for army pants, Taylor Swift lyrics, boys who have done my friends and I wrong, and, Carson. 

Friends are like a 7 layer cake. Like the human body comes in different "shapes and sizes," friends do too. Friends are there with a Diet Coke when boys aren't, friends are there to go prom dress shopping with you and friends are there, sometimes, even when you don't want them there. And those are the most important kind, a good friend can sense when something is off and she won't push it, but she is always there.

A good friend likes to get lunch and catch up.

A best friend walks in your room with Ben & Jerrys to talk about everything on end until the wee hours of the morning, where you are both laughing so hard that you are pretty sure chocolate flavored tears are coming out of your eyes from the insane amount of icecream consumed.

A good friend tells you the boy is bad for you.

A best friend tells you the boy is bad for you, then tells you that if he makes you happy then that's how she wants to see you, then holds your hand-witholding "I told you so"- when your best friend was right all along.

A good friend casually implies that dress is a bit short and maybe you should go up a size.

A best friend tells you to flaunt it if you got it, and demands you go down a size to show off your legs.

A good friend tweets "lunch date," with a picture of you looking down at your apple walnut salad.

A best friend snapchats ugly pictures of you to her story, usually you are in pjs or half swimsuit half sweats, it depends on the day.

A good friend keeps you from talking to the boy who broke your heart.

A best friend flips the boy off who broke your heart while pulling up next to him at a stoplight.

A good friend likes to gossip with you about other girls in your friend group.

A best friend spills everything to you about everyone, good and bad.

A good friend will listen to your boy stories with fake interest, trying to pay attention, but sometimes it is hard so she will fade away in the conversation.

A best friend will listen to your analysis of a relationship over and over, with a new take and outlook everytime you guys reach the subject.

A good friend tries to be a good friend by helping her friend do what she does, be the kind of person she is.

A best friend accepts that their best friend has different outlooks on life than she does, but still accepts her all the same.

As Shay said "I don't know how I got to have such good friends as you guys, but now you're stuck with me." I love that. I love friends that I am stuck with, I love friends that will call me out on my crap but also know how much I can handle. I love friends. Friends are important.

xoxo

"Tide To-Go Pens Don't Work On Boyfriends"

Every English teacher that I have encountered has banned the word "things" from the writing of their students. But here's the issue- sometimes I don't know how to put my thoughts into words, I put my thoughts in sounds or tears or icecream, but sometimes coming up with the right word is just hard, and since I am not being graded on my posts I will use "thing" and "stuff" and "your" all I want. 

There are some things that I wish were real things. I wish white out could be used in conversations, I wish I could wipe a tide to go pen over memories and I wish there was a refund or insurance policy on feelings. Yes, I know, we all (insert caring and sympathetic therapist tone of voice) learn from our mistakes and that shapes us into better human beings. And I know that and I fully believe that, but sometimes I get a little rerun of an old feeling and I can't focus- like my vision gets blurred and my speech is confusing and I just wish it would go away. So I am calling a momentary bluff on "we learn from our mistakes."

I wish that when I am talking to a cute boy and I deeply embarrass myself, like pausing because my brain literally freezes because the human in front of me is sent straight from God and I do not think I will ever encounter such a beautiful human being in my life, that I could whip out a can of white out from my back pocket and just cover up that moment. Like whoops, I embarrassed myself yet again can we just scratch that out. Like can we please pretend that I did not just say something too personal or too deep or too feelingy or too clingy, let's just mask it in a thick coat of white out and call it good, pretty please? 

I wish that I could get a refund or insurance policy on feelings. Like before I start to fall for a guy, can I somehow purchase a package that states "incase he turns out to be a total jerk, which a large percentage of guys are, you may feel no remorse when you wake up the day after he breaks your heart, you will not feel the embarrassment of a breakup, you will not miss him because you are smart and you purchased insurance." Like yes, I would please like to return all memories and kisses from this boy, and I am not liable for any damage caused to my broken self. I would invest some big bucks in a little package that would ensure that in the case of a fatal like heart break, that I will be able to build myself up enough in time to not feel the physical toll that a broken heart has on my body. It is like a little cushion. So many nights that I have spent with an aching heart I wished with all of my might that it would go away, that I could pay a price or sign a slip and all of my past feelings and emotions would wipe away. Some call this drugs, I call it icecream and diet coke, but icecream and diet coke starts to take a toll on your body.

Ok so major confession- I have a secret Pinterest board of Taylor Swift quotes that I look at when it is just one of "thoooose" days. I don't know why or how, but Taylor Swift just GETS IT. I mean, she would be a great counselor I feel like because she has expirienced it all. Her quotes seem to describe how too well she knows the "aching of your body crumbling over after a heartbreak" feeling, she knows the "kick-a** mood of I am going to break him" feeling, she knows the "crazy ex-girlfriend" feeling, she knows the "I don't want him anymore but he is still on my mind" feeling- like she knows it all. And that is comforting- especially to see one's feelings in writing. So on one of my binge nights of Taylor Swift quotes I saw this quote  "Tide to-go pens don't work on boyfriends," and ok maybe it is because I am very exhausted or my mind just is not the sharpest tool in the tool box, but it took me a minute to get it. And then I did, and then a light went off and my laptop screen lit up and here we are. Wouldn't that be rad if after a breakup or heartbreak or ending of a "thing" one could go to Target and grab a "tide to-go" pen and just wipe it all over their shattered heart? And I know and believe that trials make you stronger and all of that good stuff, but honestly, we all have been there and it hurts. And sometimes I could really use a tide to-go pen.

So, let's put science to a greater use and create some packages to ensure the sting of a heartbreak is not too heavy to handle.

xoxo

I Run

I'm a runner. Mentally and (sort of) physically. When things get hard, I run. When my parents told me they were getting divorced, I ran across the neighborhood. When a boy tried to break my heart, I went for a run until I absolutely could not breathe. When I couldn't make a decision and I felt like the world was crashing down on me, I ran away- 9,000 miles away. So I run, aka I hide from my problems. I shove everything under the mat as far as it can go. I make sure that any confrontation or issue is hid far from any eyes. If I am upset or hurt or grieving, I don't want people to see. I vividly remember one day being just so distraught in class, the mat could not longer contain my feelings, and it felt as though everyone caught on. I hated it. I hate how someone can look at my facial expression and see that I am breaking inside, it just sucks. I would have ran from the millions of "what's wrong," "why are you sad" and awfully pressuring questions, but I was out of absences and I really needed to graduate. 

When things would bug me or get under my skin I would not let it bug me and make sure the person provoking me was comfortable. No confrontation=comfort, right? :-( wrong. Sorry Kenz, you can only be walked all over for so long. It's not okay or normal to let other people's feelings and emotions over bear your well being. This is not selfish, it took me a long time to realize this. Yes, being compassionate and emphathizing with one another is important and necessary, and hard to not do, but it is taking me a long while to realize this. To realize that it is okay to let someone know when they're bugging the crap out of you. Tell your boyfriend when he's pissing you off, tell your best friend when she's being irrational, tell yourself it is okay to feel what you are feeling when you are feeling it. We feel things for a reason, we don't get bugged at a situation for the heck of it, it's not like our brain says "hey he is treating me super crappy and I'm gonna get bugged by it and not say anything just for kicks and giggles! Wahoo!" Feelings, like a cute boy, should never go unrecognized. 

This is to all of the shover underneath the ruggers, to the anti confrontationalists, to the people pleasers, to the runners- do what makes you happy. Always uplift one another along the way, but remember what you're feeling. Listen to feelings, they're important. 

Xoxo

Alma 5:27

Nineteen

Creepy

Old

Fergalicious

Crazy

Tough

Lipstick

Baby

Eeeek

Cry

Gross

Cool

Red

Decisions

Commitment

Dance

Laugh

Cringe

Change

Yuck

When I think of 19 those are the words that come to my head. I associate odd things, like to me the time "4am" is like raw meat. I don't know, I am weird and I don't know how to stop being weird. Sometimes I still worry that my mom actually did pay all of the boys who asked me to dances to ask me, but it's okay because I went- so what. 

I have mentioned this before, but the number 19 is so cool to me. Like when I meet people who are 19 they always have beautiful long hair, black nail polish, a smokin' bod and also a boyfriend who rides a motorcycle without a helmet- dreamy. But the other night I was laying in bed and realization struck me that this is my last year as a teen. It is my last year where I can eat ice cream as a meal, my last year where I can really talk about high school, my last year of my youth. I mean it kind of is all downhill from here. Once I hit 20 I feel like the words are "mortgage, kids, decisions, broccoli, grump." I know that is not true, and that life really goes uphill- I am hoping and assuming so, because so many people make it past 19- but the thought of no longer being a teen makes me want to eat my hair. Maybe that will get rid of all of my split ends. Here are 19 things that I will miss about being a teen:

19. Ordering off of the kids menu

18. A teenager metabolism

17. Not being officially moved out

16. Still on my parents insurance

15. My mom schedules my dentist appointments for me

14. Sitting at the kids table at family functions (the kids table has a bad rep, but hey, I can sit at the kids table and eat all of the white bread rolls with butter I want without the disapproving eyes of a grown up)

13. My hardest decisions of the day include what should I eat for lunch and how do I trick Harleigh into letting me braid her hair?

12. I can still have "crushes" on "boys" instead of doing the adult thing and talking to them like a normal human being

11. Eating 4 pieces of pizza and not feeling sick

10. Eating 4 pieces of pizza and then being able to go on a run

9. I can still drag my parents along with me to do "grown up" things, like signing up for school or an apartment

8. Long hair

7. Still having an optimistic outlook on life

6. Colorful nail polish

5. Having time to "do lunch" with friends, like 5 times a day

4. No grown up jobs, kind of

3. Short skirts

2. Bad heels that kill your feet, but I still have the stamina to endure

1. I don't really have to go to singles ward yet

Dear 19 years old, I promise to be brave, I promise to let new challenges scare me but I promise to tackle them, I promise to love the things I love and learn to love the things I hate, I promise I will try to dress better and eat better and speak kinder words, I promise to not be married while I am 19. 19, please be good to me.

xoxo

Thoughts That Came Into My Head

Straight from Twitter drafts though:

-My favorite thing about living in Malaysia is not running into people I know

-Seriously craving Red Robin French fry powder stuff ugh

-Being wanted is a good feeling though

-Sometimes it's the thought of a happy future that keeps you going

-Today I was holding a baby and got baby hungry and then the little thing started crying and I became puppy hungry instead

-"I think I cease to exist"

-I hope your ex dates all of your best friends

-It's you, it's always been you

-I love cheesy couple selfies I think they're CUTE sue me I don't care, bite me hate me whatever

-That point where you're so tired you fall asleep in the shower

-"We are impulsive and compulsive"

-Today I am grateful I am not the same person I was a year ago

-Question of the day: Why do guys think being a d bag makes them more attractive???

-I'm a solid four- in looks, size and personality

"And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait," I don't think I have ever laughed louder out loud in a public setting because of a book

-"Time passed, and pain turned to memory"

-I'm weird and I don't know how to stop being weird so sometimes you just gotta embrace it

-Firm believer in love the lovers, play the players

-Getting stuck in the elevator daily needs to stop being a thing

-When the thought makes you sick

-There's never a problem pizza can't solve

xoxo

I Know My Times Tables!

I vividly recall the image of my third grade teacher marching around the classroom clapping to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" the multiples of 6, I can picture her bangs that she fashioned in such a way that they resembled a flower, I see her finger nails that she for some reason would file to sharpen to a point, and I, to this day, remember my times tables. I was 8 years old when I learned them, and today I am 18 years old. My times tables are just one of those things that is drilled into my memory, as much as I can try to erase that memory or the numbers or the tune, it is there. It just is. I like to think that I have a superb memory, but I also like to think that the real reason why boys don't talk to me is because they are intimidated by me (thx mom) and that mermaids do exist, so take that statement cautiously. Sometimes those little nuggets of memory expose themselves so I made a little list of those nuggets of pure genius, pure genius thoughts and ideas and lessons that I will never forget, pure thoughts of genius that I will carry with me into the afterlife.

-"If you sit up straight your stomach will automatically suck in and you will look taller and thinner," I think this as I can feel my muffin top out of my tight jeans when I had a bit too much pasta for dinner.

-"You say 'sorry' too much," I agree, I should stop apologizing for things I believe in and things I feel, so now when I find myself about to justify my emotions, I just accept and embrace that I am not the average human being- but (brace yourself for a very deep and poetic statement) what really is the average human being??

-"It does not matter what grade you got, as long as you tried your hardest," I don't think I applied the true meaning to this statement as I failed multiple math quizzes because I chose to hangout with a cute boy instead of study, but still.

-"The quickest way to a boys heart is through his stomach," the first hangout with my only real life boyfriend was at in n out, with food, therefore this statement is true.

-"x equals negative b, plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac all over 2a," I can spit out the quadratic formula LIKE NOBODIES BUSINESS

-"You can be whatever you want, as long as it makes you happy," I love my mom eternally for this statement she told me, and I returned it with "what if Tyson wants to be a power ranger?" But what I was really thinking was "what if I grew up to be a stripper?" I was a weird kid.

-"You run faster if your second toe is longer than your first toe," thank you Bailee Germaine, you will forever be faster than me.

-"Remember who you are and what you stand for, and remember be nice to all the boys but only flirt with the cute boys, you don't want to give the wrong boys the wrong impression," my mom would always say her little monologue as I got out of the car to go to the movies with friends- where I would meet up with a group of boys and hope to sit by the boy I like eeek!!!!-or when I would rush out of the door to school and to this day I am ever so grateful for both little nugget of wisdom.

-"The most attractive thing a girl can do while eating dessert is to twist the spoon in her mouth, I heard it on the radio," thank you Holly I will never eat ice cream the same way, and you're welcome to everyone who will ever eat ice cream again with a boy.

-"That can either go to waste, or it can go to your waist," I normally take the risk of it going to my waist, because the next worst thing than retail regret is the regret you feel at 11pm wishing you ate that donut.

-"I knew I was in love with your Grandpa Riggs when I met his family," bless my Great Grandma Riggs' soul, but to be honest, when I asked her when she knew she was in love with my Great Grandpa Riggs, I was a little disappointed by this response. I was hoping for "the moment he kissed me in the rain while Frank Sinatra played in the background," or "when he looked at me that way he did when I would laugh," something sweet and cheesy and cliche, but I am far from disappointed from her response today, and I think I have thought of that statement everyday since the day she told me.

xoxo

Four Months, Plus Some

I have started this post about 674 times in the past 4 days, some things come and some things just do not. And then I put it aside, and the whole "four months after graduation," thing kind of went out the window. So I am currently a 4 month plus a few odd days graduate of highschool. Wahoo!

I had this grand idea of a post to post exactly four months after graduation, I didn't know what it would be about, but it would just come- the ideas would flow and everything would fall into place. Kind of like my plans for after high school, I would live life and everything would fall into place.

Well see the issue is, I don't remember the date of graduation. And then, the dates get all freaky when you live across the world from the state you graduated in, so I do not know when to post this to make it exactly four months after I graduated, four months after I watched Allie give a sparkling senior speech, four months after I said goodbye to a whole slew of amazing humans- some more amazing and like-able than others, but nonetheless amazing. 

Approximately four months ago I became a graduate of Highland highschool. Throw words like cheesy and cliche at me and call it a day, but this was more of a start than it is an ending. Four months ago I knew 4 things:

1.) I would be moving to Malaysia in August

2.) Boys suck, like a lot

3.) I am really glad I wore the shoes I did because I did not have the unfortunate experience of stripper like heels sink into grass

4.) I had strep throat

Today, four months later (give or take a few days) I know 4 things:

1.) I am moving to Provo in January

2.) Boys suck when you enter high school, when you graduate high school, and after you graduate. It is their thing they're good at- they're good at sucking so there's that

3.) I do not need everyone that was in my life at the time of graduation to thrive and be happy, people have walked out of my life and padlocked the door shut, and I am okay with that, I know how to keep the people in my life that lift me up

4.) I actually did not have strep throat, I had a weird nasal sinus gross word medical lingo thing going on, probably an accumulation of stress, heartache and lots and lots of tears

So here I am, post graduation McKenzie. 

I still sleep with my stuffed elephant, have Taylor Swift on replay and still find my heart skip a beat when a cute boy favorites my selfie. Wow I have come a long way!!!

Four months of basically summer has made my heart eternally feel more gratitude for a plethora of things (Oh gosh, I sound like, as Jen from TBD would say "that girl who uses big words to make her sound smart but she doesn't make any sense," and here's the thing, Jen is going to law school so she knows what big words mean) that are in my everyday life. 

I feel like there is this theme going around life right now, maybe it is always constantly here and I am just finally getting into the know of things, but I feel as though so many people are not content with where they are. Junior year I could not wait for senior year, senior year I was praying graduation would come faster, graduation comes and I cannot wait to move 9,000 miles away to Malaysia, Malaysia is here and I just cannot stop thinking about moving to Provo and starting school, and I feel like when I am in school I will just want to be done and graduated already, and the cycle continues. I am learning to soak in the now, to be happy now. I used to say to my friends "I will be happy when... he leaves... I leave... this day is over... " and the list continues, but I wish I would have spent more time being happy in the moment rather than waiting to be happy. These moments we experience are meant to be happy, yeah they're tough and sometimes unbearable, but they aren't meant to make us want to shove our bodies under the covers and not come up for air, they are here to be enjoyable. So enjoy the moment you're in, stop waiting for the "when" and start finding "joy in the journey," (do I remind you of your beehive leader yet??) 

Just some thoughts.

xoxo