Giving Much Thanks

Things I am grateful for that I never imagined I would be grateful for:
-That my life is not the same it was a year ago, and that I am not the same person
-Happy couples
-My trials
-Friends that give me a hard time
-Boys that are not clingy
-Sweet potatoes
-I am not right about everything
-Tears
-Decisions are hard
-The people who decided to walk out of my life
-Those who fought to stay in my life
-The roads in Gilbert
-The fact that it is okay to not be okay
-Hugs
-Those people who don't let you be alone when you think you need to be
-Hard times, because they make the good times shine that much brighter
-Justin Bieber's new album
-Being told I am missed
-The fact that love isn't what I envision it to be
-People change, circumstances change, ideals change

xoxo

Back At It- Carpe Diem

I am that kind of person that needs a reminder. I need to set alarms in my phone to remind me to stop my Spotify Premium membership (which I still have not done gosh darn) and I need constant reminders from friends and family that everything works it's own way out in the end. Basically, I am needy. I am the type of person to retreat from conflict, to firmly think what I want and need, but never voice it. There have been times where I crawl into bed and replay my day and think "holy sh!t I carpe diemed the CRAP out of this day," and sleep with a sound mind that I grasped every opportunity and advantage I was given. Other times I have replayed the events of my day and I think "oh I could have brightened her day by lending a kind word," or "I should have attempted to flirt back with him," but you loose some you win some, right? Here are a few situations where I have carpe diemed the shiz out of that day.

I refer to this moment a lot, because I think it definitely is a moment that contributes to the box of "McKenzie's memories that shaped her into the outstanding human being she is today," although my mom said it was bratty and kind of lame of me. Oh well. So sometime in my past I had this boyfriend who I was quite fond of, we (he) decided to break things off because of personal reasons (he was starting his mission papers and could not have a girlfriend) so, respecting that decision- with much aide and support from friends and family, with Mom in bold print, I accepted it and we went our separate ways, kind of. See, going separate ways is hard when you live in Gilbert, Arizona, but whatever. Then, a few weeks after this devastating parting he decided it was okay to have a girlfriend, I know what you are thinking. What the heck! I am shocked! I am so confused! He clearly told me he could not have a girlfriend, yet he has one?! This, alongside a few other rumors heard throughout the grapevine, was the last straw. This moment happened right after the two minute warning bell for third period struck, and I was also struck with courage. I walked right out of my little circle of friends, as everyone was scrambling to make it to their class because at that point in the school year tardies were scarce, for no one wanted to accumulate yet another one, risking loosing credit for the class. I, in my good butt jeans and favorite sandals that remind me of my favorite blogger @sincerleyjules, walked right up to my ex boyfriend and his new girl and faced them, heart racing nonetheless, and said with a sincere (very sarcastic) tone, "aw what a cute couple," and walked away. Shay stood right behind me and caught up to me with her jaw on the ground. I can still picture her wide mouthed grin to this day. I was immature, I was low, I was snarky, but I was brave. I sure carpe diemed the shiz out of that one. The rest of the story was fun, it kind of spread just a little where an underclassman called me "savage" (a complimentary term, surprisingly) in my 6th period clay class. It was not and is not that big of a deal to anyone else involved, I am sure they two of them went of their merry way, drunk in love, and forgot about the whole ordeal, but I use that moment to tell myself that I can be brave, I can be passive aggressive and I always find everything out.

One time, I didn't carpe diem the shiz out of my day. One time I let a great, and possibly fantastic, opportunity slip out of my hands. This is the simple story of the boy meets girl, boy flirts with girl and makes her heart beat super fast, girl flirts back with boy and they become friends, but unlike the usual happily ever after fairy tale ending we are all to accustomed to, in this story, girl gets scared and finds excuses not to open herself up to said boy. So in the end, boy and girl move away and never speak again and girl is left wondering if boy ever wonders what could have happened with boy and girl. Have I lost you yet? Basically, jump at any chance you have at any kind of happiness, especially if that kind of happiness is wrapped up in a cute boy who makes your heart smile. Maybe if I would have opened myself up to a new relationship I would have been deliriously happy, or maybe I would have been burned. Who knows? All I know is that I am stuck here wishing that I would have seized the day, that I would have grasped the opportunity dangling in front of me and just took a giant leap of faith, because we can not let our past burns get in the way of our futures- we just can't let those crappy boys who ruined us ruin our chance at happiness.

Another moment in my life that I "carpe diemed" the day, when I decided to be less snarky and a little more smart, was when I decided to take a leap of faith and move to Malaysia to be a nanny. From the start I programmed myself that after graduation I would start at a great university in the fall, I would meet new and fabulous people and I would get a degree in business. Then I would carry onto be a fashion buyer where I would live in a realm of travel and sparkles and clothes, because up until halfway through my senior year that is what I wanted for my life. And then I hit this bump in the road, kind of like a midlife crisis but when I was 18, and I realized that I didn't want that life, I knew I could achieve it, I had no doubt, but after much prayer and thought I decided I could not decide on school, and it would come to me. And then this opportunity came, one where I would pack up my life into two 50 pound suitcases and a carry on to live 9,000 miles away, and be a nanny. And that moment that I decided to say yes, where I seized the day, I am grateful for that moment and this family every day of my life.

I hope that we all go to bed with the thinking that you carpe diemed the shiz out of the day, and the mindset that you will do it again tomorrow. I hope that we do not have to be a brat to exes in the hallway to feel good about ourselves, but sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do. 

Keep doing you.

xoxo

Suck It Up

I was chatting with a friend over Facetime the other day and I was reminiscing in the good 'ol days. It went a little like this:

Me: "Carson, remember when life was so good? Like I had the cutest car, my little blue convertible bug, and I had a boyfriend and I was planning the senior grad nite trip to Disneyland?"

Carson: "Yeah, and remember when that went up into flames in like 3 days?"

This may sound harsh, but it's true. Within two weeks of time, less actually, my car broke down on the freeway on the way to work, my boyfriend and I ended things for real this time and also some little annoying kid somehow convinced the entire senior class that I single handedly kicked him off of the trip to make room for my ex-boyfriend, so you could say I went from 100 to 0 real fast. But here's the thing, I lived. I got a new car, I found a rebound, and I went to Disneyland and had a bomb time with my friends. It wasn't easy, it wasn't easy recovering from a breakup while starting at a new job where I would be at school from 7:30 am to 1:30 pm to rush across town to work the closing shift to come home at 10 pm to a plethora of hate messages from a crime I did not commit, it wasn't easy but I did it. That was a big trial to me. I was a struggling senior, broken hearted and stressed and on the verge of a breakdown, and I did. I broke down.

I put on a mask of happy emotions, I got my eyelashes done and I colored my hair and I looked fine. But inside I was breaking, inside I was loosing too many friends and possibly failing math. There was not a moment where I looked at my puffy face from crying- but never mascara streaked because thank you God for eyelash extensions- and I was all whole and healed, it didn't all happen at once. Slowly, these trials started to mend themselves. Slowly, I realized who my true friends are and I understood why some of my friends that I thought would be lifelong friends had to walk out of my life. I understood why some people can't be in your life at that moment and I had to be okay with that. Slowly, the senior class trip came and we went to Disneyland and I got a little bratty but we all made it there and back- although I had to watch my ex cuddle with his new girl during the whole ride on the trip that two friends and I single handedly put together, but still, I was there and I was trying and I was getting put back together. 

The whole time that my life was just so crappy, I was so frustrated because up to that moment where it all came crumbling down, life was good. I didn't, and to some point still don't, know why it all had to crash into explosive flames in front of me. Sometimes I sit here and wish that things could have just kept going how they were, where I was in a state of blind bliss. But today, at this moment at least, I am grateful that I am broken of that blind bliss. I am grateful that my oh so perfect life crumbled before me because if it had not, if it had not crumbled then, I wouldn't be as strong as I try to be today. I would not know my worth and what I can put up with and deal with- which is a lot more than I thought I ever could.

So sometimes life is really great, like you're in a dream state great, and sometimes life sucks, like you literally forget how to breathe sucks. But it always gets better, it has to, because we are not on this earth to constantly suffer. There is joy in every trial, because of that small trial a lifetime ago I bonded with my Heavenly Father, my family and friends that have impacted my life for a much greater cause than those who chose to walk out of my life.

So hold on, suck it up and stick it out because things are not going to suck for that much longer- and there is so much in this life to be happy about. And when those things stop sucking you will be able to laugh and learn at your trials with a best friend and prepare yourself for the next one.

xoxo