Clearly Kenzie- REVAMPED

So here's the thing, I have been fighting an internal battle concerning this blog post. Am I trying too hard? Will I seem desperate? Do I really want to start writing again? Will I be able to keep it up again?? 

The snarky and witty side of me won, per the usual, and I decided what better of a post to kick off the new Kenzie (how much do you hate me for referring to myself in the third person) than a resolution post?!

But wait! We are almost through the exciting and new and breath taking first month of the year, almost onto glitter consuming your lungs and whining at all of the couple posts' month known as February. But let's be real, when am I really on time for anything... returning texts... school... my goals...

But it's fine, it's fitting.

The other thing is I am about as good as keeping resolutions as boys are at keeping promises. 

A few years back I read a blog post on a woman who has a "word of the year," kind of, and I really digged that because who has time to remember lists on lists of "I will eat healthy," "I will not text my ex," "I will read a book a month," and so on and so on. Because of my incredibly busy and exciting social and work life *bleeding sarcasm* or for a lack of better works, laziness, a word is exactly what my soul needs to try to better myself.

Past years my words have been "be brave," "be bold," and "be big." And boy oh boy was 2016 BIG. I made sure that every decision I made, every feeling I felt and every thought that came into my mind was big. I liked a boy? I made sure he knew. I was mad at you? Hahahahhaha you knew, please refer to my ex boyfriend for confirmation. I wanted something? I made every choice big and never took no for an answer.

This year is harder, I found a lot of quotes that seemed fitting like "Stop planting flowers in peoples yards that aren't going to water them," or "Never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings," or "You are enough, a thousand times enough," and as much as I love these quotes and I feel like they comforted me when I felt sad or alone, they all seemed to point me back to regrets or hurt feelings that I have towards 2016- and the thing is 2016 really was not that bad. Yeah I cried a lot, I almost gave up school and moved back home, and yeah I felt alone a lot but I also laughed more than I think I have in my entire life, I learned more from relationships than I think I could have being back at home in Arizona and I met the most amazing people who I hope stay in my life for eons to come.

I thought about qualities I want to work on. Be kind, be forgiving, be joyful, be charitable- be patient. That one came to my mind and the crowd of oohhhhs and aaahhhss sang in the background. I dwelled on that for a while and then I realized I have many qualities I can work on, but I do not want my word to be on something I lack. I want to be whole with who I am. I want to be confident and secure. and I want my word to radiate who I am and the potential I have. 

I toyed with the idea of phrases. "Do something that makes you uncomfortable," came to mind until I realized I hate being uncomfortable and that is a long shot that anyone would find me performing any act in which I felt uncomfortable.

Well, a month later and not much more figured out, I came to a conclusion. I decided on a phrase, with emphasis on a word. My phrase for the year is "Life is Lovely." 

I want 2017 to be lovely.

I want to be brave in 2017.

I want to be daring in 2017.

I want to be more loving in 2017.

I want to see the love in life, as cheesy and cliche and cringey as that sounds.

To me the word "lovely" encompasses so many qualities I want and also the ones I feel I am and that I radiate to others.

So here is to 2016 being hard and hurtful and humbling and crazy and inspiring and to learning a lot, but I hope 2017 is a little nicer to me and I promise to be nicer to 2017.

xoxo

Kenzie

Tinder Bios

I got a tinder for blog related purposes, obviously. I'm just doing some research for my art, obviously. 

Catchy and relateable bios that are sure to get you a guy:

-Basketball shorts are a hard pass

-Emotionally unstable (jk don't put this as your bio because for some reason guys think this is a for sure sign that you just want a hookup and you will get hookup messages on a hookup app so)

-Honors cosmetology school student

-GRJHS cheer 2010/2011

-Just your average Chinese American Mormon

-5"6.75 | LDS | AZ -> UT | Cosmotology student | snap: mckenzieyee | 19 *insert cactus emoji

-Love language: donuts

-"I am lonely

"Boys are mean and boys are gross

"I will die alone

"-a haiku by me"

Red Flags of a Tinder Bio:

-mirror pic

-gym pic

-MIRROR GYM PIC

-snapchat in bio

-Instagram in bio

-height in bio

-no height in bio (this is a loose loose situation)

-professional, artsy photos 

-have some kind of requirement in their bio like "colored hair and nose ring? Swipe left" (actually saw that on a bio)

-any line insinuating that they are just looking for a hookup

-any line stating they only want a serious relationship (another loose loose situation)

-their bio says "I'm actually 18 but" while their age is set at 21

-pre mission pics

-mission pics

-gym pics

-gym pics

-gym pics

-those sunglasses, you know those ones

Good luck tindering,

Xoxo

What Did You Do?

"What Did You Do?"

I didn't look for you

I didn't ask for this

I didn't need you to pull me apart

I've been falling it of control

I think of you wherever I go

What did you do 

Oh what did you do to me

-Gabrielle Aplin

I love this song, besides the light and catchy tune that somehow reminds me of Christmas which reminds me of smiles and hugs and a certain cute boy, I love this song because it is oh so "relate able." And things that are relateable are the best, because they remind our soul that we are never alone in our feelings or endeavors. I think every girl has felt this, has fallen for a boy and after it goes to the can she thinks "I was perfectly fine before you came along, before you I was happy being alone and I was perfectly OKAY being alone," because after someone leaves your life, it is a lot harder to go back to being okay with being alone. After someone walks out of your life you kind of feel alone, like a part of you that kept you going is now gone and vanished into air. 

"The darker part of him almost wanted to forget her because it hurt so deeply. " this is from James Dasher's prequel to The Maze Runner series, "The Kill Order," and I just had to jot it down because this too is "relateable." How many times when I have been bed ridden because of a bad case of a broken heart is too many, and every time I wished so badly that I could eliminate every trace and memory of the too many boys that have done that to me. Now, I am on the other side, and I am here. I am not thirty flirty and thriving, more like nineteen awkward and cringing, but surviving nonetheless. And if those many heartbroken bed ridden nights have taught me anything, it is that what is waiting on the other side for me is glorious and is like a breathe of sweet air after being suffocated from the wrong kind of love. I look at myself where I was a year ago, and am grateful everyday that I am no longer that person, and I hope everyone always feels that way too. Because a year ago I was perfectly okay with being alone, I was kind of sure with who I am and I didn't know what it felt like to be thrown to the ringer a few times plus 23. But today, I do. And today I know that I will only be thrown in about 400 million other ringers, but if I am this much stronger after a few times through the ringer, I find joy in the person I am growing to be. I hope that everyone feels that same joy. I hope that everyone who is feeling beaten from a long trial that seems endless knows that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, this world is too beautiful to withhold that light. 

Xoxo

Current State Of The Union

In:

Dirty Hair: the dirtier the hair, the more power to you. I'm pretty sure beauty school is the only place where we praise you for embracing 6th and 7th day hair. Thank the heavens for dry shampoo- it saves lives.

Deleting Your Ex Off Of Social Media!!!!!!: let's be more immature shall we! Yes breakups suck and no one really wants a reminder of their ex, it's normal to delete their number and delete photos that carry painful memories, but going as far as to unfriend or unfollow is just taking the extra mile- GO YOU! You're a super star! You're a pro at breakups, I bet you're going far in life in the maturity department. 

Great Value Energy Packets: I wake up, I am groggy, the world is fuzzy and I am unable to comprehend anything. Then I have my Great Value energy packets and the world is clear, my vision is restored and everything is great. I would highly recommend investing in these beauties, with extra emphasis on the peach mango flavor. 

Missionaries: missionaries are just always being talked about at school and at my apartment and everywhere else. Miss those gals and guys. 

Out:

Pretending Not To Care: caring is cool, and not caring is not cool. It's cool to have feelings and emotions and to let your friends know when you need a little perk up. Care for people and let people care for you.

Diet Coke: what's important now is Dirty Diet Coke, just regular Diet Coke with a little bit of coconut and it tastes like summer and smiles and everything good in this world.

McDonald's: just kidding Mcdonals is always in. 

Xoxo

Kenzie

Why You Should Stop Kissing Your Ex(es) Now

Why you should stop kissing your ex(es) now, and you should have stopped doing that like yesterday:

You know that feeling that Lane has in the Gilmore Girls episode where Henry, the boy who she has regular phone dates with, kind of breaks up with her but not really breaks up because they were never dating- that feeling? That is the feeling you get after you stop hooking up with an ex. It's an odd and indescribable feeling, it's a feeling of you lost something that never really was there. It's a feeling that you do not really have a true and valid reason to be upset over because during this whole fling you convinced yourself you do not have feelings for said ex and also, everything is purely physical and fun. 

The issue with hooking up with an ex is someone always catches feelings. Whether it's the girl or the boy, kissing your ex releases emotions you have worked so darn hard to suppress. Plus, the hooking up stage is usually followed by severe angry emotions on both sides, which ends up with hurt feelings and bad thoughts towards the whole relationship. 

I am guilty of this, literally every relationship or close to relationship I have ends badly because I try to be friends, then the boy just starts kissing me and there isn't anything I can do about it!!! But for real, I am here to testify to you the dangers of hooking up with an ex. Also, hooking up with an ex previous to current ex is just entering into a hazardous situation.

Once an ex, always an ex. Once you breakup with someone and kiss for fun you are already creating unhealthy patterns that if you were to get back together, still will cause stress and strain to your relationship. 

Relationships are awesome and heart wrenching and confusing and important, but exes are exes for a reason, and kissing because you both miss kissing just messes things up and will not patch over the fact that you guys had to break up for a reason. It's okay to miss an ex, and if you don't then that is a sure sign that the relationship was not in the stars, but it's okay to miss someone you spent every waking hour with- just be careful my loves. Missing people is an important part of life, because if we never missed each other I believe that we would not know how to truly appreciate another's presence. Missing people comes in phases, but eventually that missing feeling numbs and you are able to look back on a relationship and be grateful for the good times and laugh at the crappy ones. Missing an ex sucks, but eventually that missing feeling fades into a distant memory and missing a boy is easily suppressed with dirty Diet Coke, friends, and a new boy- it's simple really. 

Exes are tricky because part of you doesn't want to give up on what you thought was so real and so pure, but the other parts of you know that sometimes, relationships and things in our lives have to end so that we can make room for better moments. 

Maybe I'm writing this for my pure enjoyment or maybe one girl will listen to my weak advice and avoid another heartbreak because she was strong! She had will power against her cute ex! More power to you! And good luck with the next boy, starting over sucks, but it is exciting and the butterflies of a new crush keep me going- with the help of Diet Coke. 

Xoxo

Kenzie

What Not To Do

I haven't done a lot of right things in my life, but I have done a lot of wrong things. And a few okay things.

Here is a fun little list of situations, and how to not handle them properly. May you always make the right choice and be mature, but still be sassy and get your point across.

When a boy says "I love you" for the first time as you are saying goodbye: probably do not pretend to not hear him, give him a quick kiss goodbye and hop in your car. I do not know the right procedure for a moment like this, but the way I handled it was not very cool of me and lead on for an awkward conversation later.

When you get discouraged because you have to go up a size in a piece of clothing: instead of being discouraged because you are not the same size you were in high school, be happy in the fact that you are getting more fabric for the same price as an XS swimsuit, basically you are getting more bang for your buck and you can consider yourself a savvy shopper.

When you're sad but do not want to talk about it: it's okay to take some time alone and meditate and have some alone time, but eventually it is time to let it out. Because if you do not, you will end up teaching your Relief Society lesson with tear streaked cheeks and mascara clumps because a good friend pulled you aside when they saw you blue. Let people help you, let your friends see you cry and let the universe help to heal you- because sometimes you have to take things one day at a time.

When you're going through a tough breakup so you decide to chop and color your hair: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE MAKE ANY PERMANENT CHANGES WHEN YOU ARE SAD OVER A STUPID, UNDESERVING AND NASTY BOY. You will only regret your newly colored hair and you will miss your long locks, which will not replace you missing your ex.

When every girl from your grade is engaged/in a serious relationship/has their sh*t together: be happy for those girls! They have it figured out, or so it seems. It is okay to be happy for someone who has something that you want and do not have. Just because someone has the ring you want or the body you want or the lifestyle you want does not mean that your body and your lifestyle is not amazing and awesome and does not mean that you cannot be happy.

When a boy calls you crazy or immature: do not try to explain to him why you are acting the way you are, because all girls have a little bit of crazy in them (some more and some less) and every action we as women do, a boy will constitute as crazy. Instead of telling him why you are feeling what you are feeling or why you are acting the way you are, and trying to justify your actions, just drop him like you're hot and he's not. You do not want a boy who makes you feel like you are crazy (unless that is crazy in love ;-) ) and you do not want a boy who you feel like you have to apologize and explain yourself for experiencing the emotions that you are when you are trying to figure things out. Let him think of you as crazy and psycho in his little and confusing brain and move on, because there are plenty of boys out there who will love your crazy and caring self. There are lots of boys who will go crazy themselves to get to take you on a date or to get to have a flirty conversation in the hallway. It all gets better.

Little quote of the day for ya:

xoxo

Kenzie

Thoughts That Came Into My Head

-I just want to be rich enough where whenever I see a pair of shoes online I can buy them right there and then 

-Monday's become your new favorite days when your friends are on missions

-I miss AZ :-( and the people :-( 

-you're making it easier to let go

-every occasion is a Taylor swift occasion 

-the struggle to keep my hair long or chop into a fashionable lob is real

-90% of the time I have no idea what I'm doing I just roll with the punches 

-running heals the soul (when you don't run for more than 2 miles)

-I want a good summer bod but ALSO I want Krispy Kreme 25/8

-sometimes I worry that I won't get married but then I remember I'm 19 but then I remember I'm way behind in the marriage department than half of my graduating class

-I didn't realize how many couples were in Provo until I wasn't part of a couple

-"take a bow" by Rihanna on repeat though

-"ugly heart" by GRL on repeat also

-one day at a time, still

-2 years is a long time

-life motto:

-another life motto:

-atleast my shoes are cute :-/

Xoxo