15 Times I Was Wrong In 2015

I just want to say I hate this holiday. It is so disappointing and I hate staying up late, and it really sucks extra when you're sober and single- which I am both of those. But if this is your favorite holiday, that's okay because mine is Valentine's Day and I think more people hate my favorite holiday than your favorite (sparkly and over-the-top) holiday. Also I never keep my new year resolutions so that's a bummer. 

15 times I was wrong in 2015: 

*yes, in fact I was only wrong 15 times in 2015, no more and no less, so I am an almost perfect person with only 15 mistakes in 365 days ;-)

15.) "I am not a freshman, therefore I cannot gain 'freshman 15'" HAHAHA the only difference between the weight I gained and the freshman who put on the freshman 15 is that I do not have an excuse for why my jeans do not fit anymore.
14.)"This shirt is not see through, I am fine," Okay I lied because I probably made this mistake 44 maybe 45 times this year, today included, and I only find out that I am wrong as I am standing under the fluorescent lights of Nordstrom, at work.
13.) "He says it is different this time, and I believe him," okay so rule number 1 of life: NEVER believe a boy who claims "it is different this time," because I will bet you all of the glitter eye shadow in this world that nothing has changed, except he really wants a backseat make out this time.
12.) "I really like this boy, I should so go for him, it doesn't matter if he breaks my heart," Okay this happened maybe 6 or 7 times this year so add that to my number.
11.) "Kissing boys I don't like will make me not miss the boys I do like," wow, I see a trend here, I am wrong a lot when it comes to boys. Tip: kissing boys you do not like never satisfies when you are missing someone who truly has a piece of your heart.
10.) "I need to be skinny to be happy," there was a lot of times in 2015 when my size 25 jeans fit me and I was more sad than I have been in my life, and there has been times in 2015 when my fat pants barely button up and I have never felt more alive and happy, outward appearances do not dictate my happiness.
9.) "I can keep driving my car with this beeping sound and it will all be okay," um no, refer back to the worst day of my life, March 24th, in my post titled "Kenzie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day," for a vivid description of one of the many days when my life fell into shambles. I am entertaining when I am heart broken and it is past 1 am.
8.) "I can make myself like him," to me, this is one of the saddest statements. Not only is it horribly unfair to the boy, but to yourself. Forcing it upon yourself to have feelings for someone is not a relationship that anyone should get into, because ultimately you will end up feeling disappointed as H-E double hockey sticks- please never settle.
7.) "Just one more Greys episode..." Well...
6.) "I will never not miss him," no matter how great the boy seems in the minute, that aching pain eventually goes away. One day you will realize that for some reason he cannot be in your life at the moment and you will be okay with that. One day you will wake up without puffy eyes from crying before bed, one day you will want to feel happy and one day you will meet a guy who exceeds all standards your previous boy failed to meet.
5.) "He would never go for me, so why even try," there have been a lot of experiences, looking back now, that I see that I wish with my whole heart that I would have just gone for the guy. I wish that I would have sent that risky text or flirted back a bit more, because although sometimes I feel like he would never go for me, I just gotta listen to this quote " 'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take' -Wayne Gretzky' -Michael Scott"
4.) "My mom doesn't know what she's talking about," moms always know what they're talking about, especially my mom and especially when it comes to boys. And sometimes dads know what they're talking about too, and so do step dads and step moms.
3.) "When I have this I will be happy, when he leaves I will be happy, when I leave I will be happy," if I decide to be rotten about a situation then the situation is going to be crappy, that is just how it works. I have found that as cliche and cheesy and I am being right now, the more I look for the positive in the situation the happier I will be with my outcome and my situation.
2.) "I need these shoes," I just am looking in my shoe closet and spotting all of these heels I do not even have an event to wear them to and thinking about how many in n out meals I could have boughten instead.
1.) "This won't matter tomorrow," decisions follow you, good or bad, and so do the consequences, good or bad.

I was wrong a lot of 2015 and I made a lot of mistakes, but I was also right a lot of the time, like deciding to go to Malaysia, deciding to throw a senior class trip, reading The Joy Luck Club senior year, deciding to like the boy, and I am so grateful for the times I was wrong and I was right. I hope that 2016 brings me more boys, less heartbreak, and a few less times that I will be wrong.

xoxo

What To Know Before You Become The D.U.F.F.

Some are born into it, some become it by default, and some are it before even knowing that they are it- but I am speaking to all fellow D.U.F.F.'s out there. D.U.F.F. = Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Basically, the D.U.F.F. is the friend that people come up to, to have you set them up with your better looking, funnier and basically more desirable human being of a friend. Some kinder words for The D.U.F.F. are "wing woman" or "matchmaker," because the D.U.F.F. is always setting up their friends, per request of another fellow better looking human being.

I am marked as the D.U.F.F. I am just gonna say it, I can't fight it, I can't change it- all I can do is embrace it. If you are reading this and you are a D.U.F.F. you will understand, and if you are reading this who knows you have a friend who is a D.U.F.F., maybe you will better understand them and their lack of social involvement with the other gender.
Here are some helpful tips of what you want to know before you become the D.U.F.F. I can be a bit harsh because I am a D.U.F.F., this kind of is like how I can make racist Asian woman jokes because I am both of those.
You will be invited to cool parties and hangouts: just because you are the D.U.F.F. does not mean you will not be invited to fun stuff, it just means that you are the last invited to said cool gathering. You hear it through the grapevine, you hear it from a group of friends talking or you are accidentally included in a group message that was supposed to include the other much cooler and attractive person who shares your name. But still, at least you are invited and get to partake of the fun.
Cute boys will talk to you: being the D.U.F.F. does not exclude any kind of interaction with a better looking member of the opposite sex, however, when they choose to speak to you they probably want inside information on your hot friend, a ride home, or they are asking for you to put in a good word for them. Still, you get a conversation with a hottie.
Your other friends with complain to you about being The D.U.F.F. and you just have to say they're not and pretend to be sympathetic: the thing is, when you are The D.U.F.F. you just know, it is like this unspoken knowing, and your friends that claim to be The D.U.F.F. know it too, they just say this to make you feel better- like "you are soooo not The D.U.F.F. I am, I mean I only got like four guys numbers last night, LAME!" When in all actuality she actually got six numbers but is trying to make you feel better, and you know it was six because they all came up to you earlier that night to have you help them. But to all fellow D.U.F.F.'s out there, it is okay, because we get special information from hot guys at cool parties.
We might always be The D.U.F.F. but one day a guy will want the D.U.F.F.: I am a firm believer that there is someone for everyone. Everyone has a Kanye to their Kim, a weird guy with that neck tattoo to their inner fat lady at Walmart, it is just how it works. I believe that if we try hard enough, even the D.U.F.F.'s can find true and everlasting love. Until the guy decides he is bored with the girl and moves on, but still- even for a D.U.F.F. it is possible to find true love.
So to all fellow D.U.F.F.'s out there, be happy for your friends that are flocked with loving attention from cute guys, enjoy the cool parties you get to attend, and embrace being the D.U.F.F. because sometimes it is a bit rewarding.

xoxo

Perspective

Alright so I haven't been on this earth for very long, actually in the grand scheme of things I have been on this earth shorter than a boy changes his mind about a girl- which is pretty dang fast. But something that I have noticed, especially lately, is that when my perspective changes my situation changes. I feel like sometimes life is that optical illusion where you blur your eyes a little and squint and change your perspective, and you see a totally different image than previously. 

Before I got my heart torn open and ripped to shreds by multiple (okay not that many but let's pretend I have a super hard and dark past so I will gain pity and everyone will like me because they feel bad for me) boys, I would listen to the Taylor Swift lines of Forever And Always where she sings "Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide, like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes.." and any heart broken girl know the rest of that line that just stabs at your heart. So previous to a dramatic occurance in my life I pictured the scared little boy line referencing the guy who stabbed Taylor's heart. I imagined that she was getting at him by saying he runs and he hides from the issues he needs to face- the way a scared little boy would. So fast forward a few months, heart broken and teary eyed me, obviously, turned to Taylor Swift for some serious musical therapy and now I picture her saying "like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes," so now, Taylor (me) is the scared little boy. I am now the pitiful character who is scared and scarred. 

That is what perspective does. It takes the same situation and twists it so you see what you are internalizing. 

I often say "you are a 10 cows kind of girl, and you deserve a boy who has 10 cows to give," so a little backstory- (there are mulitple of these, I googled it) but basically, a long time ago, families would sell of their daughters for cows in a marriage. If a woman was sold for three cows, she was doing pretty well. Four cows was she was probably pretty and smart and didn't burn the food too much, but five cows was never heard of. And there was this one instance where a man said he would give 10 cows for a woman, basically stating her worth is a whole lot. Like 10 cows, slow down man. 

When a girl decides to look at herself with a different perspective, as a lady, as a woman, as a daughter of God, she sees that she is worth 10 cows. She will see that some guys only have 2 cows to offer, and that she should not settle for that. *Side note: When I mean cows to offer, I do not mean monetary status because boys have a lot more to offer than nice gifts and cool cars- like fancy dinners!

I wish girls saw themselves worth 10 cows. I wish that a girls perspective on herself is not damaged because a one track minded boy decides to simply not want her. I wish with all of my might that there were more boys who have 10 cows to give, who realized they have 10 cows to give and would want to give 10 cows. A lot of the time I forget that I am worth 10 cows, I mean I know I am psycho so maybe really wimpy and skinny cows, but 10 cows nonetheless. 

So ladies, if you are dating a guy who only has 3 cows and doesn't want to give up that extra 7, if he says little remarks that make you feel bad, if he gives you the feeling that his intentions are not true, if he doesn't make your heart beat faster than that one time at the Jonas Brothers concert when Nick sang that high note, then drop him. Because no girl is worth a guy that is not willing to give his 10 best cows for her.

xoxo

How To Lose A Girl In 10 Days

Last night, I was watching the ultimate chick flick "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days," and that is a favorite of mine for several reasons: Big fan of Kate Hudson-her arms are inspiring, I yearn for Andie Anderson's job so badly, I feel like it is one of the few films where the couple that falls in love actually look like they are the same age- a big deal to me, like I love "The Proposal," but sorry Sandra Bullock you look like you could be Ryan Reynolds' super cool aunt who is as old as his mom- this movie is just hilarious, and the characters are relate able- in the sense that everyone envisions themselves as the sultry, sexy and desirable Andie, while really you are Michelle who likes to call in the middle of the night to tell her boyfriend everything she ate that day.

This movie inspired a thought, what are the most annoying, irritating and downright awful decisions boys make when trying to get the girl? Basically, a guide of How To Lose A Girl In 10 Days, here we go:

10. Playing Hard To Get: Here's the deal, if you want to be desirable to a girl, do not make it sound like you have 7 side hoes waiting for you to beep her, because that makes the girl angry and loose interest. Do not make her text first when you want to hangout with her. Never try to make a girl jealous because it will only backfire, and she will be on another guys arm before you can dial your second side hoe.

9. Kiss Then Diss: This kind of goes along with playing hard to get, but if you really like a girl, and you finally get the guts to kiss her, text her after you guys hangout or the next day just to let her know that you had a good time and that you think of her more than a late night kiss. It is so hard as a girl to tell if a guy is being with you because he has feelings or if he's just trying to hookup, so make your intentions clear before she gets mixed signals and finds another boy who will tell her what his intentions are.

8. Being Clingy: I know I know, I just said do not play hard to get but don't be clingy so basically be the average guy who is sensitive but a bit rough and also has good style but not too feminine and likes to hold your hand but won't make out in public- the perfect guy! Easy! Next! But really, pay attention to how the girl is feeding off of what you say. If she seems annoyed and creeped out by your 7 tries to hangout, then maybe back off and take a breather and reassess the situation. 

7. Wear Basketball Shorts To The First Date: Enough said.

6. Playing Games: So on average, guys are annoying like roughly 89% of the time, however, guys that play games become annoying 100% of the time. Story time! One time, this kid confessed his like for me, like like not just like, then like two days later he was "making jokes" about how he has all these side girls and crappy stuff, and it was a major turn off. Of course I knew he was kidding because who needs a side hoe when they have me, naturally, but I was so bugged and it made me feel like crap. Cut the games, lay it on the table, and just be you.

5. Be On Your Phone While Hanging Out: If you want to tell a girl she is not worth your time and you would rather be with your friends then hanging out with a girl who wasted makeup and shaving her legs for you, without outright saying it, be on your phone while you hangout with her.

4. Act Different Around Your Friends Than Around Your Girlfriend: I mean, yes you are not going to talk to your girlfriend about video games and sports- because that's only what guys talk about, right? But it sucks, and is a major red flag when a guy is one way around his girl and a completely different person around "bros," it is frustrating and unattractive. Unless you are Jake Gyllenhaal, then you are always attractive.

3. Being Wrong And Not Accepting it: Girls are always right, I am sorry to say it so bluntly but it is true. If your girlfriend says 2+2 is 7, then it is 7. Okay that is a bit extreme but when you are in a fight, just let her be right and you can complain about it to your Black Ops pals late in the night when she is asleep.

2. Lead Girls On: When guys lead girls on with the simple phrases "this time it is real," or "I have never felt this way before," or "you are my kind of different," after like a two week period because he is trying to get a good some good car sports action- phrase thanks to Tina Fey in her novel "Bossypants," I highly recommend it to all, then they are the wrong kind of guys and these kind of guys should be cast out to a far away island, also guys who only text at 1am are also banished to this island. Just do not make her think there is a future, when you have no intentions of providing her that future. It is hard for girls to open up to a guy, and once that gate of emotion is open, it is even harder to shut it because he simply "changed his mind" or "got bored."

1. Bail On Her: No girl likes to be told "I am sorry I am so busy I just cannot make it tonight" because in girl language that translates to "you are annoying, fat and ugly and I do not want to waste my time with you because I would rather watch sports on TV and text other girls" or "I am hanging out with a girl who is ten times better than you and her coolest trait is not eating a complete dozen of Krispey Kreme doughnuts in under four minutes flat," either way, you better be on your freaking death bed in the hospital hooked up to life support, and saying my name with your last dying breath before you bail on me. I am not saying a guy should take her girl out to a five star restaurant and dancing every night, while it is nice to be treated every once and a while, but when a girl has plans with a guy she is looking forward to being with him. If you are too tired from work, I bet she is more than happy to watch a movie on the couch, munching on popcorn and holding hands. Bailing on a girl is the most heart wrenching thing a boy can do to a girl, it almost lines up with cheating on your girlfriend really.

Now, every girl is different. Some totally dig the clingy type and some want a guy who wears basketball shorts and owns it, to each his own. Do I sound scholarly because I use an overused phrase probably from a book or poet from like 4,000 years ago? Because I am pretty impressed myself. Enough self praise about me, I know I am funny and pretty and every guys' dream, stop please, this is embarrassing! But for real, basically do not be a jerk and be a nice guy who calls the next day.

xoxo

When You're Single

I love this time of year, but really who does not. I will tell you who, those who are sick of being single.

However, I choose to look on the bright side, and although living in the single lane kind of sucks like a lot, there are some plus sides. 

But holidays are always a thousand times more cherished when you have someone to be thankful for at Thanksgiving or to kiss on New Years or to go out with on Valentines day- that is just how it is.

Fun things to do when you are in a relationship over the holidays:

-Go ice skating (if you're into that kind of thing)

-watch cheesy Hallmark movies

-build gingerbread houses

-go work at a soup kitchen for the day aw

-holding hands

-looking at Christmas lights

-breathing

-shopping for your significant other

-family parties

-living in general

-baking festive delicacies

Fun things to do when you are single over the holidays:

-eating at Paradise Bakery because you can eat both of the "buy one get one free" cookies

xoxo

Life Is Too Short

Life is too short to:
-not get 2 for $3.33 sausage and egg mcmuffins from McDonalds at 11pm
-clean your room rather than hangout out with friends
-put your dreams on a temporary hold
-cry over crappy boys who don't care (!!!!!!)
-wear ugly shoes
-not kiss the boy
-hold yourself back because of the risk and the fear
-dress like your days aren't numbered
-"I'll call my mom later"
-not text first because you don't want to seem clingy
-never make it to Disneyland
-wait for things to happen to you
-avoid confrontation because you are avoiding conflict
-start running "tomorrow"
-drink flat Diet Coke
-take a vacation and decide to build a house on memory lane
-not call back
-do the slow fade
-not love the people in front of you

ps. fav quote of the week "I am a ten cow kind of girl and I deserve a guy who has ten cows to give."

stay sassy
xoxo

How A Relationship Starts vs. How It Ends

Because I have had a vast experience with relationships, and because I consider myself able to diagnose problems from watching an accumulative 16 seasons of Greys Anatomy (I restarted it) I have come to a medical conclusion, that for some reason boys are wired to get over breakups differently than girls do. Medical breakthrough! Spread the word! 

But jokes aside, it is the harsh truth.

When a relationship is blooming, it looks a little like this:

Happy, go lucky, hopeful really. Like oh look at this cute boy in front of me who will no doubt break my heart and cause me heartbreak to no extent, but he is cute so I will take it. And then the break up comes, whether initiated by the girl or the boy, and life looks a little like this:

Confusing and crappy and catastrophic. Because that boy who once was the shining beacon of you day, the boy who would wake you up with good morning texts and whose hugs seemed to cure all of the impurities in your world no longer has the right to hear the best parts of your days and you can no longer always count on one of his kisses to melt the pains of everyday life away.

So here's what I am getting at, when a couple splits, the girl (sorry to stereotype ladies) cries, she beckons her friends over and they trash talk the boy and eat trashy food and watch trashy movies. That is how she starts to cope, but guys, ugh, they cover their bleeding hearts with finding a new girl. Someone new to kiss and to take on dates, that is how he pushes his past love out of his life. I see this happen to friends over and over again, and it sucks. It sucks because why can't guys just cry and be emotionally unstable like girls? I haven't rewatched enough Greys Anatomy to know the answer to that question, but I do know that the boy is hurting too.

So to all of you ladies watching your ex beau hit up the town post break up while you're in bed with your favorite pair of fuzzy socks, just know that your boy who once gave you butterflies but now you want to run over his perfect hair with your car is not the only guy who copes this way, they all do it at some point. And being "friends" with your ex is a load of crap, because either you guys are hooking up or that's basically it. No one at this stage in our lives is grown up and mature enough to calmly look an ex in their eyes and just "be friends," but maybe we will grow up enough to get that way. Or not, maybe life is supposed to suck for all exes. I will let you all know when I figure it out. Until then, have fun being the crazy ex girlfriend.

xoxo