The Best Is Yet To Come

"Why Do Happy Things Still Make You Sad

I just find it funny that someone or something who brought utter pure joy into your life, can be something that haunts your soul. How twisted is that? I will see a picture of a moment in time, I will tell a story of a funny moment or I will hear a song that will remind me of all the feelings I felt and I will feel sad because I still have those feelings, and then I get sad that something so happy is burdening my soul and is making my body into a huge frowny face. Life and friends and love should be happy. Those are happy things. I feel like the universe is bending the rules on me and is letting happy things remind me of emotions, and the universe is letting me be sad. I need some ice cream now."

-Found in my drafts for this blog on the date of 25th, probably written late at night from the obviously clear message I am trying to establish. And because of the very likely fact that it was written in the wee hours of the morning, I never chose to publish it. Now today, September 18th, I am responding to my dark and twisted soul of May 25th, on the fact that remembering happy things made me sad.

So here's the thing, I still can't watch Friday Night Lights without thinking about a boy I was deeply infatuated with and we would watch it together and I find myself start to miss who I was when I hung out with him, I can't listen to "Teardrops On My Guitar" because I would have that song on replay during my parents divorce (how a loss of a boy and a divorce connect to a 13 year old girl I have no idea???) and I feel those feelings I felt, and I still can't look at pictures of EFY Hawaii circa 2013 without falling deeply in love with my EFY COW Patrick (he was a tennis player at Skyline High and I was sure we were destined for each other.) 

I read in Cosmo once that we, as girls and ladies and women, should not stop watching our favorite TV show because it reminds us of our ex. So I turned on an episode of Friday Night Lights, and went on a major Taylor Swift quote binge about 3 minutes into the episode. That is the one time in my life that I took Cosmo's advice and it failed me. But here's the thing, I was never crazy about Friday Night Lights, I was crazy about the person I was watching it with- I just loved that he loved that I loved it.

I think about this a lot, not because I am still wondering what team Smash signed onto, but because I think a lot about how the memories we have associate with feelings we feel.

It is actually cool, how I can listen to a song and close my eyes and feel every throat tightening, cannot breathe and life shattering experience that I felt five years ago. I am thankful for this, I am thankful that I can remember the pain and the hurt that I have experienced because when something comes into my tiny world that I think for sure, this is going to take me down, I can look back to when I thought I would never breathe again and see that I got past that, I can get past this. That passed, this too shall pass. Some days are harder than others, some days I am sad, some days I miss who I was and how everything felt, but I am just relying on faith that the best is yet to come.

So, May 25th McKenzie, we have come a far way. You still do not have a boyfriend, you still can't go down a pant size in jeans (except for Paige brand because they stretch) but you still do not have a broken and bleeding heart. You still can't watch Friday Night Lights or listen to "Teardrops On My Guitar," but you can find happiness in the darkness, and you don't let the happiness of what once was, overcome the chance to be happy for what can be.

xoxo