Clearly Kenzie- REVAMPED

So here's the thing, I have been fighting an internal battle concerning this blog post. Am I trying too hard? Will I seem desperate? Do I really want to start writing again? Will I be able to keep it up again?? 

The snarky and witty side of me won, per the usual, and I decided what better of a post to kick off the new Kenzie (how much do you hate me for referring to myself in the third person) than a resolution post?!

But wait! We are almost through the exciting and new and breath taking first month of the year, almost onto glitter consuming your lungs and whining at all of the couple posts' month known as February. But let's be real, when am I really on time for anything... returning texts... school... my goals...

But it's fine, it's fitting.

The other thing is I am about as good as keeping resolutions as boys are at keeping promises. 

A few years back I read a blog post on a woman who has a "word of the year," kind of, and I really digged that because who has time to remember lists on lists of "I will eat healthy," "I will not text my ex," "I will read a book a month," and so on and so on. Because of my incredibly busy and exciting social and work life *bleeding sarcasm* or for a lack of better works, laziness, a word is exactly what my soul needs to try to better myself.

Past years my words have been "be brave," "be bold," and "be big." And boy oh boy was 2016 BIG. I made sure that every decision I made, every feeling I felt and every thought that came into my mind was big. I liked a boy? I made sure he knew. I was mad at you? Hahahahhaha you knew, please refer to my ex boyfriend for confirmation. I wanted something? I made every choice big and never took no for an answer.

This year is harder, I found a lot of quotes that seemed fitting like "Stop planting flowers in peoples yards that aren't going to water them," or "Never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings," or "You are enough, a thousand times enough," and as much as I love these quotes and I feel like they comforted me when I felt sad or alone, they all seemed to point me back to regrets or hurt feelings that I have towards 2016- and the thing is 2016 really was not that bad. Yeah I cried a lot, I almost gave up school and moved back home, and yeah I felt alone a lot but I also laughed more than I think I have in my entire life, I learned more from relationships than I think I could have being back at home in Arizona and I met the most amazing people who I hope stay in my life for eons to come.

I thought about qualities I want to work on. Be kind, be forgiving, be joyful, be charitable- be patient. That one came to my mind and the crowd of oohhhhs and aaahhhss sang in the background. I dwelled on that for a while and then I realized I have many qualities I can work on, but I do not want my word to be on something I lack. I want to be whole with who I am. I want to be confident and secure. and I want my word to radiate who I am and the potential I have. 

I toyed with the idea of phrases. "Do something that makes you uncomfortable," came to mind until I realized I hate being uncomfortable and that is a long shot that anyone would find me performing any act in which I felt uncomfortable.

Well, a month later and not much more figured out, I came to a conclusion. I decided on a phrase, with emphasis on a word. My phrase for the year is "Life is Lovely." 

I want 2017 to be lovely.

I want to be brave in 2017.

I want to be daring in 2017.

I want to be more loving in 2017.

I want to see the love in life, as cheesy and cliche and cringey as that sounds.

To me the word "lovely" encompasses so many qualities I want and also the ones I feel I am and that I radiate to others.

So here is to 2016 being hard and hurtful and humbling and crazy and inspiring and to learning a lot, but I hope 2017 is a little nicer to me and I promise to be nicer to 2017.

xoxo

Kenzie

Tinder Bios

I got a tinder for blog related purposes, obviously. I'm just doing some research for my art, obviously. 

Catchy and relateable bios that are sure to get you a guy:

-Basketball shorts are a hard pass

-Emotionally unstable (jk don't put this as your bio because for some reason guys think this is a for sure sign that you just want a hookup and you will get hookup messages on a hookup app so)

-Honors cosmetology school student

-GRJHS cheer 2010/2011

-Just your average Chinese American Mormon

-5"6.75 | LDS | AZ -> UT | Cosmotology student | snap: mckenzieyee | 19 *insert cactus emoji

-Love language: donuts

-"I am lonely

"Boys are mean and boys are gross

"I will die alone

"-a haiku by me"

Red Flags of a Tinder Bio:

-mirror pic

-gym pic

-MIRROR GYM PIC

-snapchat in bio

-Instagram in bio

-height in bio

-no height in bio (this is a loose loose situation)

-professional, artsy photos 

-have some kind of requirement in their bio like "colored hair and nose ring? Swipe left" (actually saw that on a bio)

-any line insinuating that they are just looking for a hookup

-any line stating they only want a serious relationship (another loose loose situation)

-their bio says "I'm actually 18 but" while their age is set at 21

-pre mission pics

-mission pics

-gym pics

-gym pics

-gym pics

-those sunglasses, you know those ones

Good luck tindering,

Xoxo

What Did You Do?

"What Did You Do?"

I didn't look for you

I didn't ask for this

I didn't need you to pull me apart

I've been falling it of control

I think of you wherever I go

What did you do 

Oh what did you do to me

-Gabrielle Aplin

I love this song, besides the light and catchy tune that somehow reminds me of Christmas which reminds me of smiles and hugs and a certain cute boy, I love this song because it is oh so "relate able." And things that are relateable are the best, because they remind our soul that we are never alone in our feelings or endeavors. I think every girl has felt this, has fallen for a boy and after it goes to the can she thinks "I was perfectly fine before you came along, before you I was happy being alone and I was perfectly OKAY being alone," because after someone leaves your life, it is a lot harder to go back to being okay with being alone. After someone walks out of your life you kind of feel alone, like a part of you that kept you going is now gone and vanished into air. 

"The darker part of him almost wanted to forget her because it hurt so deeply. " this is from James Dasher's prequel to The Maze Runner series, "The Kill Order," and I just had to jot it down because this too is "relateable." How many times when I have been bed ridden because of a bad case of a broken heart is too many, and every time I wished so badly that I could eliminate every trace and memory of the too many boys that have done that to me. Now, I am on the other side, and I am here. I am not thirty flirty and thriving, more like nineteen awkward and cringing, but surviving nonetheless. And if those many heartbroken bed ridden nights have taught me anything, it is that what is waiting on the other side for me is glorious and is like a breathe of sweet air after being suffocated from the wrong kind of love. I look at myself where I was a year ago, and am grateful everyday that I am no longer that person, and I hope everyone always feels that way too. Because a year ago I was perfectly okay with being alone, I was kind of sure with who I am and I didn't know what it felt like to be thrown to the ringer a few times plus 23. But today, I do. And today I know that I will only be thrown in about 400 million other ringers, but if I am this much stronger after a few times through the ringer, I find joy in the person I am growing to be. I hope that everyone feels that same joy. I hope that everyone who is feeling beaten from a long trial that seems endless knows that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, this world is too beautiful to withhold that light. 

Xoxo

Current State Of The Union

In:

Dirty Hair: the dirtier the hair, the more power to you. I'm pretty sure beauty school is the only place where we praise you for embracing 6th and 7th day hair. Thank the heavens for dry shampoo- it saves lives.

Deleting Your Ex Off Of Social Media!!!!!!: let's be more immature shall we! Yes breakups suck and no one really wants a reminder of their ex, it's normal to delete their number and delete photos that carry painful memories, but going as far as to unfriend or unfollow is just taking the extra mile- GO YOU! You're a super star! You're a pro at breakups, I bet you're going far in life in the maturity department. 

Great Value Energy Packets: I wake up, I am groggy, the world is fuzzy and I am unable to comprehend anything. Then I have my Great Value energy packets and the world is clear, my vision is restored and everything is great. I would highly recommend investing in these beauties, with extra emphasis on the peach mango flavor. 

Missionaries: missionaries are just always being talked about at school and at my apartment and everywhere else. Miss those gals and guys. 

Out:

Pretending Not To Care: caring is cool, and not caring is not cool. It's cool to have feelings and emotions and to let your friends know when you need a little perk up. Care for people and let people care for you.

Diet Coke: what's important now is Dirty Diet Coke, just regular Diet Coke with a little bit of coconut and it tastes like summer and smiles and everything good in this world.

McDonald's: just kidding Mcdonals is always in. 

Xoxo

Kenzie

Why You Should Stop Kissing Your Ex(es) Now

Why you should stop kissing your ex(es) now, and you should have stopped doing that like yesterday:

You know that feeling that Lane has in the Gilmore Girls episode where Henry, the boy who she has regular phone dates with, kind of breaks up with her but not really breaks up because they were never dating- that feeling? That is the feeling you get after you stop hooking up with an ex. It's an odd and indescribable feeling, it's a feeling of you lost something that never really was there. It's a feeling that you do not really have a true and valid reason to be upset over because during this whole fling you convinced yourself you do not have feelings for said ex and also, everything is purely physical and fun. 

The issue with hooking up with an ex is someone always catches feelings. Whether it's the girl or the boy, kissing your ex releases emotions you have worked so darn hard to suppress. Plus, the hooking up stage is usually followed by severe angry emotions on both sides, which ends up with hurt feelings and bad thoughts towards the whole relationship. 

I am guilty of this, literally every relationship or close to relationship I have ends badly because I try to be friends, then the boy just starts kissing me and there isn't anything I can do about it!!! But for real, I am here to testify to you the dangers of hooking up with an ex. Also, hooking up with an ex previous to current ex is just entering into a hazardous situation.

Once an ex, always an ex. Once you breakup with someone and kiss for fun you are already creating unhealthy patterns that if you were to get back together, still will cause stress and strain to your relationship. 

Relationships are awesome and heart wrenching and confusing and important, but exes are exes for a reason, and kissing because you both miss kissing just messes things up and will not patch over the fact that you guys had to break up for a reason. It's okay to miss an ex, and if you don't then that is a sure sign that the relationship was not in the stars, but it's okay to miss someone you spent every waking hour with- just be careful my loves. Missing people is an important part of life, because if we never missed each other I believe that we would not know how to truly appreciate another's presence. Missing people comes in phases, but eventually that missing feeling numbs and you are able to look back on a relationship and be grateful for the good times and laugh at the crappy ones. Missing an ex sucks, but eventually that missing feeling fades into a distant memory and missing a boy is easily suppressed with dirty Diet Coke, friends, and a new boy- it's simple really. 

Exes are tricky because part of you doesn't want to give up on what you thought was so real and so pure, but the other parts of you know that sometimes, relationships and things in our lives have to end so that we can make room for better moments. 

Maybe I'm writing this for my pure enjoyment or maybe one girl will listen to my weak advice and avoid another heartbreak because she was strong! She had will power against her cute ex! More power to you! And good luck with the next boy, starting over sucks, but it is exciting and the butterflies of a new crush keep me going- with the help of Diet Coke. 

Xoxo

Kenzie

What Not To Do

I haven't done a lot of right things in my life, but I have done a lot of wrong things. And a few okay things.

Here is a fun little list of situations, and how to not handle them properly. May you always make the right choice and be mature, but still be sassy and get your point across.

When a boy says "I love you" for the first time as you are saying goodbye: probably do not pretend to not hear him, give him a quick kiss goodbye and hop in your car. I do not know the right procedure for a moment like this, but the way I handled it was not very cool of me and lead on for an awkward conversation later.

When you get discouraged because you have to go up a size in a piece of clothing: instead of being discouraged because you are not the same size you were in high school, be happy in the fact that you are getting more fabric for the same price as an XS swimsuit, basically you are getting more bang for your buck and you can consider yourself a savvy shopper.

When you're sad but do not want to talk about it: it's okay to take some time alone and meditate and have some alone time, but eventually it is time to let it out. Because if you do not, you will end up teaching your Relief Society lesson with tear streaked cheeks and mascara clumps because a good friend pulled you aside when they saw you blue. Let people help you, let your friends see you cry and let the universe help to heal you- because sometimes you have to take things one day at a time.

When you're going through a tough breakup so you decide to chop and color your hair: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE MAKE ANY PERMANENT CHANGES WHEN YOU ARE SAD OVER A STUPID, UNDESERVING AND NASTY BOY. You will only regret your newly colored hair and you will miss your long locks, which will not replace you missing your ex.

When every girl from your grade is engaged/in a serious relationship/has their sh*t together: be happy for those girls! They have it figured out, or so it seems. It is okay to be happy for someone who has something that you want and do not have. Just because someone has the ring you want or the body you want or the lifestyle you want does not mean that your body and your lifestyle is not amazing and awesome and does not mean that you cannot be happy.

When a boy calls you crazy or immature: do not try to explain to him why you are acting the way you are, because all girls have a little bit of crazy in them (some more and some less) and every action we as women do, a boy will constitute as crazy. Instead of telling him why you are feeling what you are feeling or why you are acting the way you are, and trying to justify your actions, just drop him like you're hot and he's not. You do not want a boy who makes you feel like you are crazy (unless that is crazy in love ;-) ) and you do not want a boy who you feel like you have to apologize and explain yourself for experiencing the emotions that you are when you are trying to figure things out. Let him think of you as crazy and psycho in his little and confusing brain and move on, because there are plenty of boys out there who will love your crazy and caring self. There are lots of boys who will go crazy themselves to get to take you on a date or to get to have a flirty conversation in the hallway. It all gets better.

Little quote of the day for ya:

xoxo

Kenzie

Thoughts That Came Into My Head

-I just want to be rich enough where whenever I see a pair of shoes online I can buy them right there and then 

-Monday's become your new favorite days when your friends are on missions

-I miss AZ :-( and the people :-( 

-you're making it easier to let go

-every occasion is a Taylor swift occasion 

-the struggle to keep my hair long or chop into a fashionable lob is real

-90% of the time I have no idea what I'm doing I just roll with the punches 

-running heals the soul (when you don't run for more than 2 miles)

-I want a good summer bod but ALSO I want Krispy Kreme 25/8

-sometimes I worry that I won't get married but then I remember I'm 19 but then I remember I'm way behind in the marriage department than half of my graduating class

-I didn't realize how many couples were in Provo until I wasn't part of a couple

-"take a bow" by Rihanna on repeat though

-"ugly heart" by GRL on repeat also

-one day at a time, still

-2 years is a long time

-life motto:

-another life motto:

-atleast my shoes are cute :-/

Xoxo

Everything Sucks

Well, it's that wonderful time of year again. No I'm not talking about how it's make it or break it (get engaged or break up) season for relationships, Mercury is in retrograde. Wahoo! I'm a big believer that when things go south, let's just blame it on Mercury being in retrograde. So anyway, here is a list of crappy things that if they happened to you between April 25th and May 22nd, you are given a blame it on Mercury being in retrograde pass, because no you are not an unloveable sucky person, the universe is just throwing some bad luck your way.

-you loose your favorite pair of jeans

-you can't eat sugar because of a stupid diet

-you loose your job

-you don't get the job you want

-the boy you've been crushing on decides he's going to date the wrong person, aka anyone who isn't you

-it's too cold outside

-it's too hot outside

-you wear sandals when it's pouring outside

-every darn light on your dashboard in your car goes off

-you have to go to work

-an ex gets engaged

-an enemy gets engaged

-everyone gets engaged

-the dress you NEED is SOLD OUT

-the person you want doesn't want you

-you sleep text

Basically, when you're frustrated and confused because nothing makes sense and you feel like all of the lines in your life are twisted and messed up, we all have an excuse until May 22nd. Good luck babes.

Xoxo

Do I Deserve This?

I see a lot of couples. And by a lot I mean an incredibly large number. I am constantly surrounded by happy young love hand in hand, or a middle aged couple bickering but laughing, and sometimes I see an old couple with a young love. It's really cute but also really annoying when you're sadly single. But it's life, it happens, I move on. 

When I see a couple I like to "dissect" their body language when they are around me, whether I see one in the grocery store or I see them sitting next to eachother in church or they walk into my store when I'm working, I am so interested at how couples interact. I like to see the reaction of women when their partner seems annoyed by being in the store, or when he encourages her to take her time because they are in no rush. Some call it stalking, I call it people watching. 

Does he encourage her? Does she encourage him? Do his words make her light up? When she speaks does he listen with intent? Does he watch her when she's not watching? Does she watch him do suddel things like grab her back or touch her arm?

I like to witness little things that couples do because I like to analyze my own relationships. Over time I have seen girls that I think are far more worth than what they are dating, date crappy boys. And I have also seen guys that I think could make a girl extremely happy, be in relationships where the girl doesn't seem to appreciate him. Now I know I'm judging at a first glance and a few seconds of "people watching" but what I'm getting at is that girls need to know their worth.

Girls, we are 10 cows kind of women! We deserve a guy who is willing to give 10 cows for us! We deserve a guy who will hold our hand because he likes the touch of our fingers, a boy who will open and close your door for you, someone who makes you laugh when tears will not stop falling from your face for no reason at all. It makes me so sad when I see friends or girls passing by who are putting forth their effort, who deserve 10 cows, and are only wasting their time with boys who maybe have 10 cows to give but they choose to give 6 one day and take 2 back the next. 

My wish is that we, as girls, find a man who one day when we are old and wrinkly will take us on a trip to California because it makes us happy, a man who will listen to all of your stories throughout the day and a man that we find ourselves getting excited to tell people about. I have found that when I like a boy and I want to hide him from my friends or my mom- he's usually a crappy boy. Don't ever be afraid to tell anyone that you are so head over heels for this boy who keeps you up all night because you're replaying your first kiss. Because that's the kind of love we deserve. 

Xoxo

Thoughts That Came Into My Head

-I drink too much juice but it's less calories than chickfila

-when are Jesus sandals and socks going to stop being a thing

-working in a swimsuit store when it's cold out is very exciting

-the worst part about a breakup is not having anyone to finish your food anymore #wasteful #goestowasteortomywaist

-I need a juice

-why am I sore from yoga a week ago

-I love seeing happy couples holding hands, love it !!!!!!

-another 19 year old girl from Gilbert get engaged, I dare you, make me feel more single than ever please

-f u Taylor swift for not being on Spotify 

-wait Taylor love me

-I really do care about your issues with your in laws and debating if you should get a spray tan or not before your big day, please tell me more

-why am I wearing a Juicy Couture shirt

-I've never seen more babies, maxi skirts, or couples than on the BYU campus

-one day at a time

Xoxo

Mood Monday

MOOD MONDAY

FOOD: Caesar salad from Sauce

SONG: "Best Thing I Never Had" -Beyoncé

SHOES: Sam Edelman 'Reyes' in Rust Red

BOOK: Harry Potter book 5

TV CHARACTER: Kimmy Schmidt in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

DRINK: Jetty Punch from Tropical Smoothie

MOVIE: Brave

QUOTE: "Humble, with just a hint of Kanye."

Xoxo
Kenzie

It's Hard To Be A Girl

Here's the deal, it is hard to be a girl. I am not saying it is not hard to be a boy, but I am saying it is hard to be a girl. I believe that if we took away all of the pressure laid on from social media and  took away the power of physical looks we, as girls, would still constantly feel jealous and the need to rise above one another. Basically rise to the top, pushing whoever down, as long as you get your sparkling crown at the top. But for real, it is hard to be a person, and it is even harder to be a person who is trying to figure out how to do grown up things and look and feel grown up, when you have the natural tendencies, like tears, jealously and regret always panging inside of you- so to speak.

But something that has occured multiple times to me in the past couple of days, is the fact that girls want what they cannot have. The boy, curly hair, straight hair, long legs, shorter legs, like I am pretty sure that if you put together the ideal image of your perfect girl, she would still want the exact opposite of what she has. That is just how it is.

I was listening in on conversation, evesdropping while ringing a customer up, and a proud mother was telling another coworker about all of the accomplishments her daughter standing next to her has made while in her college career. Now the mother did enough bragging so I will refrain from listing all of them, but they were extrememly impressive and very old person grown up accomplishments of her daughter to have completed at such a young age. As the coworker left to help someone else, I heard the daughter whisper to her mother "she always had the best clothes," and the mother whispered back "yeah but you get to meet Hunter Hayes," which, is pretty cool, but the daughter responded with a sigh.

Here's the deal: no matter how cool your life is, like getting to have some one on one time with Hunter Hayes, girls are constantly going to feel jealous of one another. It sucks. Or maybe I am the only one who feels this way, but I have a feeling I am not.

When I was little, okay so like 16, I longed for blonde hair. Like I just wanted to be one of those girls who looks good with blonde hair and call it a day, like to me if you were a girl with blonde hair you really were all that and a bag of chips- and to me, that is how boys perceived it too. But the issue is I am half Chinese, and the only blonde asian I have seen pull off blonde hair is that Urban Outfitters model, and she rocks it, but I just know that blonde hair would not look good on me. Some stuff is just how it is, but just because I do not have blonde hair does not mean that my brown hair isn't pretty, it doesn't mean that boys cannot be attracted to me. Just because the girl sitting in front of you is 3 sizes smaller than you doesn't mean you will never feel pretty, or just because your hair curls differently than your roommates doesn't mean that you can't love your hair just as much as she does. The truth is that the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side," is so horribly true. 

But just because the girl with the mile long legs and hair down to her waist is walking past you and seeing her walk past in her mini skirt makes you regret all late night Ben & Jerry decisions, does not by any means make you less beautiful, or cute, or funny. Just because that one boy, or the last seven it seems sometimes, does not see your worth and your wit and the power of what you bring into a relationship does not make you unwanted by the male species, it just means that life is waiting to give you what you can handle when you can handle it.

So just be patient, don't be jealous, and be happy for girls that look pretty, because maybe they have an awful personality.

xoxo

Crappy Chaos

I'm back b!tches.
I've been waiting to write this post for a while. A year ago this month I started this blog. A year ago I wrote one of my favorite posts "oops" and attracted the attention, ridicule, and sympathy of some members of my large high school. A year ago I was heartbroken, I literally felt my body tearing apart at the seams. It's amazing the uncontrollable power that a boy can have over a lovesick girl, but what's even more amazing is the power of The Atonement to comfort my lovesick self.

Today, a year later, I'm better. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my old life, but I'm better. 

So because I'm a Pinterest whore, I came across this image and it struck greatness inside of me:

Because sometimes, although I'm better, my life is chaos. Everyone's life, at some point on this Earth, is in chaos. It is inevitable, but chaos is what makes the world go round babes. To me, chaos is magic. 

When my life is mid crisis, my account is overdrawn and my mascara is running down my face because of a boy and I miss my dog with every fiber of my being, sometimes all I can do is laugh. As humans, that is all that we can do sometimes. When life just sucks, and it feels like the end, we just have to embrace the crappy days just as much as the wonderful ones because the crappy days are where we learn the most. And most of the time, the learning process sucks. It just does- but we learn from life's crappy chaos and we make beautiful moments that constantly overcome and overpower the hurt and embarrassment we are feeling. 

If I had one piece of advice I could give to heart broken, long haired and stressed out year ago Kenzie, it would be to make peace out of the chaos I was experiencing. And also maybe don't post such bratty posts because those hurt feelings, or don't wash your hair as much, but mostly the chaos thing- because I believe that if I took a day to laugh at all of the situations that had turned south in my life I would have learned the lessons I needed to learn a lot faster and I would have been able to recover with a lot more grace. 

A bad day, hour, friend or boy doesn't taint you as undesirable, broken or miserable- it just means that there is more learning to be done in the midst of all the crappy junk floating around. 

I, Kenzie, solemnly vow to keep this blog up. If only for the sake of me, I vow it. 

Xoxo

Thoughts That Came Into My Head

Oh geeze it's been a while.

-oh cool! Awesome! Happy for you!!!!!

-are you freaking kidding me

-You can't have feelings for him, you realize that right?

-isn't Mercury supposed to be out of retrograde?!

-I shouldn't eat icecream today

-I need icecream today

-cute hair

-"You're cute, people eat that shit up" thx 

-boys suck

-boys suck

-boys suck

-friends are so so important my oh my

-I actually definitely want to be a surgeon

-I miss you

-I actually see a career for me in political science

-One more girl with converse and a dress and I will start to slit my wrists

-I can make about one and a half meals so hopefully my husband is a great cook or is okay with takeout 6/7 nights of the week

-Boys are gross :-( I'm gonna have to share a bathroom with one :-( and a bed :-( ew :-( 

-I don't want to get married... Ever

-boys are gross

-icecream cures all

-I'm poor

-2016 please perk up

-Today I feel a bit down in the dumps so naturally I get enough food for 4 starving 14 year old boys

-I should be working out right now

-should I go lighter?

-definitely going to cut my hair

-I need to take biotin to make my hair grow

-why are boys even a thing

-I'm wearing a black bra under a white shirt someone notice me

-The feeling of someone sending a text right while you open up your messages to them and your reads are on describes my personality

-bring on the hate but I love the idea of being cute for my husband and making dinner (the one meal I can make) for him

-I really really should be working out right now

Xoxo

Dear 2016

Dear 2016,

So far you started super crappy, then got super amazingly great, then alright (I moved to Utah) then super fun then kinda blah. But it's okay, it's only been 20 days of you. It kind of sucks that Mercury is in retrograde for the vey beginning of you, 2016, but that's okay because I like you. Every year I say "this is my year," and I don't know what I mean by that, because I never make and keep resolutions. Except I'm pretty sure my 2015 resolution was to get a boyfriend and I did that, and my 2016 one was to not kiss a boy... Anyway 2016, I don't know if this will be "my year" because I spend a lot of you as a poor student. 2016, we have shared lots of laughs, tears, and mistakes and I just know that there is going to be much more fun and embarrassing memories to fill you up with.

I used to have a "word of the year," a word to describe my year and to give me confidence when I needed it. Last year my word was "bold," and the year before that was "brave," and when I needed an extra spice of boldness or of being brave I clung to those words. Those words lifted me up because those were the words that my year depended on. 2016 I was going to make you my "big" year, I wanted every decision I made to be BIG. I wanted my decisions to make an impact so I can make an impact on this earth, but I'm changing my "word of the year" to "saying of the year." This years saying or montra is "you got this," so whenever I am feeling down in the dumps because the Krispy Kreme line is too long, or I miss a boy who is too many miles away, or I want to be home with my family, I will remember "you got this," and I will put on some lipstick and pull my sh*t together- because that's what ladies do.

So my wish, for all of you entering 2016 with me, is to let fear drive you, let your heart fall for another human being, let your guard down, and when things start to suck (AKA Mercury is in retrograde) remember "you got this." YOU, the person who maybe turns her music up too loud while eating a donut with way too many calories because she's kinda sad, got this. Life sucks, but only for a few more days until Mercury is done being in retrograde. Hold tight sistas.

Xoxo Kenzie

15 Times I Was Wrong In 2015

I just want to say I hate this holiday. It is so disappointing and I hate staying up late, and it really sucks extra when you're sober and single- which I am both of those. But if this is your favorite holiday, that's okay because mine is Valentine's Day and I think more people hate my favorite holiday than your favorite (sparkly and over-the-top) holiday. Also I never keep my new year resolutions so that's a bummer. 

15 times I was wrong in 2015: 

*yes, in fact I was only wrong 15 times in 2015, no more and no less, so I am an almost perfect person with only 15 mistakes in 365 days ;-)

15.) "I am not a freshman, therefore I cannot gain 'freshman 15'" HAHAHA the only difference between the weight I gained and the freshman who put on the freshman 15 is that I do not have an excuse for why my jeans do not fit anymore.
14.)"This shirt is not see through, I am fine," Okay I lied because I probably made this mistake 44 maybe 45 times this year, today included, and I only find out that I am wrong as I am standing under the fluorescent lights of Nordstrom, at work.
13.) "He says it is different this time, and I believe him," okay so rule number 1 of life: NEVER believe a boy who claims "it is different this time," because I will bet you all of the glitter eye shadow in this world that nothing has changed, except he really wants a backseat make out this time.
12.) "I really like this boy, I should so go for him, it doesn't matter if he breaks my heart," Okay this happened maybe 6 or 7 times this year so add that to my number.
11.) "Kissing boys I don't like will make me not miss the boys I do like," wow, I see a trend here, I am wrong a lot when it comes to boys. Tip: kissing boys you do not like never satisfies when you are missing someone who truly has a piece of your heart.
10.) "I need to be skinny to be happy," there was a lot of times in 2015 when my size 25 jeans fit me and I was more sad than I have been in my life, and there has been times in 2015 when my fat pants barely button up and I have never felt more alive and happy, outward appearances do not dictate my happiness.
9.) "I can keep driving my car with this beeping sound and it will all be okay," um no, refer back to the worst day of my life, March 24th, in my post titled "Kenzie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day," for a vivid description of one of the many days when my life fell into shambles. I am entertaining when I am heart broken and it is past 1 am.
8.) "I can make myself like him," to me, this is one of the saddest statements. Not only is it horribly unfair to the boy, but to yourself. Forcing it upon yourself to have feelings for someone is not a relationship that anyone should get into, because ultimately you will end up feeling disappointed as H-E double hockey sticks- please never settle.
7.) "Just one more Greys episode..." Well...
6.) "I will never not miss him," no matter how great the boy seems in the minute, that aching pain eventually goes away. One day you will realize that for some reason he cannot be in your life at the moment and you will be okay with that. One day you will wake up without puffy eyes from crying before bed, one day you will want to feel happy and one day you will meet a guy who exceeds all standards your previous boy failed to meet.
5.) "He would never go for me, so why even try," there have been a lot of experiences, looking back now, that I see that I wish with my whole heart that I would have just gone for the guy. I wish that I would have sent that risky text or flirted back a bit more, because although sometimes I feel like he would never go for me, I just gotta listen to this quote " 'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take' -Wayne Gretzky' -Michael Scott"
4.) "My mom doesn't know what she's talking about," moms always know what they're talking about, especially my mom and especially when it comes to boys. And sometimes dads know what they're talking about too, and so do step dads and step moms.
3.) "When I have this I will be happy, when he leaves I will be happy, when I leave I will be happy," if I decide to be rotten about a situation then the situation is going to be crappy, that is just how it works. I have found that as cliche and cheesy and I am being right now, the more I look for the positive in the situation the happier I will be with my outcome and my situation.
2.) "I need these shoes," I just am looking in my shoe closet and spotting all of these heels I do not even have an event to wear them to and thinking about how many in n out meals I could have boughten instead.
1.) "This won't matter tomorrow," decisions follow you, good or bad, and so do the consequences, good or bad.

I was wrong a lot of 2015 and I made a lot of mistakes, but I was also right a lot of the time, like deciding to go to Malaysia, deciding to throw a senior class trip, reading The Joy Luck Club senior year, deciding to like the boy, and I am so grateful for the times I was wrong and I was right. I hope that 2016 brings me more boys, less heartbreak, and a few less times that I will be wrong.

xoxo

What To Know Before You Become The D.U.F.F.

Some are born into it, some become it by default, and some are it before even knowing that they are it- but I am speaking to all fellow D.U.F.F.'s out there. D.U.F.F. = Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Basically, the D.U.F.F. is the friend that people come up to, to have you set them up with your better looking, funnier and basically more desirable human being of a friend. Some kinder words for The D.U.F.F. are "wing woman" or "matchmaker," because the D.U.F.F. is always setting up their friends, per request of another fellow better looking human being.

I am marked as the D.U.F.F. I am just gonna say it, I can't fight it, I can't change it- all I can do is embrace it. If you are reading this and you are a D.U.F.F. you will understand, and if you are reading this who knows you have a friend who is a D.U.F.F., maybe you will better understand them and their lack of social involvement with the other gender.
Here are some helpful tips of what you want to know before you become the D.U.F.F. I can be a bit harsh because I am a D.U.F.F., this kind of is like how I can make racist Asian woman jokes because I am both of those.
You will be invited to cool parties and hangouts: just because you are the D.U.F.F. does not mean you will not be invited to fun stuff, it just means that you are the last invited to said cool gathering. You hear it through the grapevine, you hear it from a group of friends talking or you are accidentally included in a group message that was supposed to include the other much cooler and attractive person who shares your name. But still, at least you are invited and get to partake of the fun.
Cute boys will talk to you: being the D.U.F.F. does not exclude any kind of interaction with a better looking member of the opposite sex, however, when they choose to speak to you they probably want inside information on your hot friend, a ride home, or they are asking for you to put in a good word for them. Still, you get a conversation with a hottie.
Your other friends with complain to you about being The D.U.F.F. and you just have to say they're not and pretend to be sympathetic: the thing is, when you are The D.U.F.F. you just know, it is like this unspoken knowing, and your friends that claim to be The D.U.F.F. know it too, they just say this to make you feel better- like "you are soooo not The D.U.F.F. I am, I mean I only got like four guys numbers last night, LAME!" When in all actuality she actually got six numbers but is trying to make you feel better, and you know it was six because they all came up to you earlier that night to have you help them. But to all fellow D.U.F.F.'s out there, it is okay, because we get special information from hot guys at cool parties.
We might always be The D.U.F.F. but one day a guy will want the D.U.F.F.: I am a firm believer that there is someone for everyone. Everyone has a Kanye to their Kim, a weird guy with that neck tattoo to their inner fat lady at Walmart, it is just how it works. I believe that if we try hard enough, even the D.U.F.F.'s can find true and everlasting love. Until the guy decides he is bored with the girl and moves on, but still- even for a D.U.F.F. it is possible to find true love.
So to all fellow D.U.F.F.'s out there, be happy for your friends that are flocked with loving attention from cute guys, enjoy the cool parties you get to attend, and embrace being the D.U.F.F. because sometimes it is a bit rewarding.

xoxo

Perspective

Alright so I haven't been on this earth for very long, actually in the grand scheme of things I have been on this earth shorter than a boy changes his mind about a girl- which is pretty dang fast. But something that I have noticed, especially lately, is that when my perspective changes my situation changes. I feel like sometimes life is that optical illusion where you blur your eyes a little and squint and change your perspective, and you see a totally different image than previously. 

Before I got my heart torn open and ripped to shreds by multiple (okay not that many but let's pretend I have a super hard and dark past so I will gain pity and everyone will like me because they feel bad for me) boys, I would listen to the Taylor Swift lines of Forever And Always where she sings "Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide, like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes.." and any heart broken girl know the rest of that line that just stabs at your heart. So previous to a dramatic occurance in my life I pictured the scared little boy line referencing the guy who stabbed Taylor's heart. I imagined that she was getting at him by saying he runs and he hides from the issues he needs to face- the way a scared little boy would. So fast forward a few months, heart broken and teary eyed me, obviously, turned to Taylor Swift for some serious musical therapy and now I picture her saying "like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes," so now, Taylor (me) is the scared little boy. I am now the pitiful character who is scared and scarred. 

That is what perspective does. It takes the same situation and twists it so you see what you are internalizing. 

I often say "you are a 10 cows kind of girl, and you deserve a boy who has 10 cows to give," so a little backstory- (there are mulitple of these, I googled it) but basically, a long time ago, families would sell of their daughters for cows in a marriage. If a woman was sold for three cows, she was doing pretty well. Four cows was she was probably pretty and smart and didn't burn the food too much, but five cows was never heard of. And there was this one instance where a man said he would give 10 cows for a woman, basically stating her worth is a whole lot. Like 10 cows, slow down man. 

When a girl decides to look at herself with a different perspective, as a lady, as a woman, as a daughter of God, she sees that she is worth 10 cows. She will see that some guys only have 2 cows to offer, and that she should not settle for that. *Side note: When I mean cows to offer, I do not mean monetary status because boys have a lot more to offer than nice gifts and cool cars- like fancy dinners!

I wish girls saw themselves worth 10 cows. I wish that a girls perspective on herself is not damaged because a one track minded boy decides to simply not want her. I wish with all of my might that there were more boys who have 10 cows to give, who realized they have 10 cows to give and would want to give 10 cows. A lot of the time I forget that I am worth 10 cows, I mean I know I am psycho so maybe really wimpy and skinny cows, but 10 cows nonetheless. 

So ladies, if you are dating a guy who only has 3 cows and doesn't want to give up that extra 7, if he says little remarks that make you feel bad, if he gives you the feeling that his intentions are not true, if he doesn't make your heart beat faster than that one time at the Jonas Brothers concert when Nick sang that high note, then drop him. Because no girl is worth a guy that is not willing to give his 10 best cows for her.

xoxo

How To Lose A Girl In 10 Days

Last night, I was watching the ultimate chick flick "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days," and that is a favorite of mine for several reasons: Big fan of Kate Hudson-her arms are inspiring, I yearn for Andie Anderson's job so badly, I feel like it is one of the few films where the couple that falls in love actually look like they are the same age- a big deal to me, like I love "The Proposal," but sorry Sandra Bullock you look like you could be Ryan Reynolds' super cool aunt who is as old as his mom- this movie is just hilarious, and the characters are relate able- in the sense that everyone envisions themselves as the sultry, sexy and desirable Andie, while really you are Michelle who likes to call in the middle of the night to tell her boyfriend everything she ate that day.

This movie inspired a thought, what are the most annoying, irritating and downright awful decisions boys make when trying to get the girl? Basically, a guide of How To Lose A Girl In 10 Days, here we go:

10. Playing Hard To Get: Here's the deal, if you want to be desirable to a girl, do not make it sound like you have 7 side hoes waiting for you to beep her, because that makes the girl angry and loose interest. Do not make her text first when you want to hangout with her. Never try to make a girl jealous because it will only backfire, and she will be on another guys arm before you can dial your second side hoe.

9. Kiss Then Diss: This kind of goes along with playing hard to get, but if you really like a girl, and you finally get the guts to kiss her, text her after you guys hangout or the next day just to let her know that you had a good time and that you think of her more than a late night kiss. It is so hard as a girl to tell if a guy is being with you because he has feelings or if he's just trying to hookup, so make your intentions clear before she gets mixed signals and finds another boy who will tell her what his intentions are.

8. Being Clingy: I know I know, I just said do not play hard to get but don't be clingy so basically be the average guy who is sensitive but a bit rough and also has good style but not too feminine and likes to hold your hand but won't make out in public- the perfect guy! Easy! Next! But really, pay attention to how the girl is feeding off of what you say. If she seems annoyed and creeped out by your 7 tries to hangout, then maybe back off and take a breather and reassess the situation. 

7. Wear Basketball Shorts To The First Date: Enough said.

6. Playing Games: So on average, guys are annoying like roughly 89% of the time, however, guys that play games become annoying 100% of the time. Story time! One time, this kid confessed his like for me, like like not just like, then like two days later he was "making jokes" about how he has all these side girls and crappy stuff, and it was a major turn off. Of course I knew he was kidding because who needs a side hoe when they have me, naturally, but I was so bugged and it made me feel like crap. Cut the games, lay it on the table, and just be you.

5. Be On Your Phone While Hanging Out: If you want to tell a girl she is not worth your time and you would rather be with your friends then hanging out with a girl who wasted makeup and shaving her legs for you, without outright saying it, be on your phone while you hangout with her.

4. Act Different Around Your Friends Than Around Your Girlfriend: I mean, yes you are not going to talk to your girlfriend about video games and sports- because that's only what guys talk about, right? But it sucks, and is a major red flag when a guy is one way around his girl and a completely different person around "bros," it is frustrating and unattractive. Unless you are Jake Gyllenhaal, then you are always attractive.

3. Being Wrong And Not Accepting it: Girls are always right, I am sorry to say it so bluntly but it is true. If your girlfriend says 2+2 is 7, then it is 7. Okay that is a bit extreme but when you are in a fight, just let her be right and you can complain about it to your Black Ops pals late in the night when she is asleep.

2. Lead Girls On: When guys lead girls on with the simple phrases "this time it is real," or "I have never felt this way before," or "you are my kind of different," after like a two week period because he is trying to get a good some good car sports action- phrase thanks to Tina Fey in her novel "Bossypants," I highly recommend it to all, then they are the wrong kind of guys and these kind of guys should be cast out to a far away island, also guys who only text at 1am are also banished to this island. Just do not make her think there is a future, when you have no intentions of providing her that future. It is hard for girls to open up to a guy, and once that gate of emotion is open, it is even harder to shut it because he simply "changed his mind" or "got bored."

1. Bail On Her: No girl likes to be told "I am sorry I am so busy I just cannot make it tonight" because in girl language that translates to "you are annoying, fat and ugly and I do not want to waste my time with you because I would rather watch sports on TV and text other girls" or "I am hanging out with a girl who is ten times better than you and her coolest trait is not eating a complete dozen of Krispey Kreme doughnuts in under four minutes flat," either way, you better be on your freaking death bed in the hospital hooked up to life support, and saying my name with your last dying breath before you bail on me. I am not saying a guy should take her girl out to a five star restaurant and dancing every night, while it is nice to be treated every once and a while, but when a girl has plans with a guy she is looking forward to being with him. If you are too tired from work, I bet she is more than happy to watch a movie on the couch, munching on popcorn and holding hands. Bailing on a girl is the most heart wrenching thing a boy can do to a girl, it almost lines up with cheating on your girlfriend really.

Now, every girl is different. Some totally dig the clingy type and some want a guy who wears basketball shorts and owns it, to each his own. Do I sound scholarly because I use an overused phrase probably from a book or poet from like 4,000 years ago? Because I am pretty impressed myself. Enough self praise about me, I know I am funny and pretty and every guys' dream, stop please, this is embarrassing! But for real, basically do not be a jerk and be a nice guy who calls the next day.

xoxo

When You're Single

I love this time of year, but really who does not. I will tell you who, those who are sick of being single.

However, I choose to look on the bright side, and although living in the single lane kind of sucks like a lot, there are some plus sides. 

But holidays are always a thousand times more cherished when you have someone to be thankful for at Thanksgiving or to kiss on New Years or to go out with on Valentines day- that is just how it is.

Fun things to do when you are in a relationship over the holidays:

-Go ice skating (if you're into that kind of thing)

-watch cheesy Hallmark movies

-build gingerbread houses

-go work at a soup kitchen for the day aw

-holding hands

-looking at Christmas lights

-breathing

-shopping for your significant other

-family parties

-living in general

-baking festive delicacies

Fun things to do when you are single over the holidays:

-eating at Paradise Bakery because you can eat both of the "buy one get one free" cookies

xoxo