The D Word

So here's the thing, I will and love to openly talk about heartbreak. I live to gab about the boys I've kissed, the boys that broke my heart and the boys who's hearts I've broken. I can carry on a conversation about my goals, the milestones I've overcome, the milestones I've seen my friends overcome. I can, and have, built friendships based on my simple love for the art of fashion. I can discuss the body image issues I've had, I can sympathize with the girls who have felt fat and have felt unworthy of a cute boy and who just do not like themselves. I can even talk about bras- sometimes. I openly spill my emotions on every subject, except for the big scary one. Divorce. The first time that I let myself talk and write about the Divorce was when I was writing a college essay, about 3 1/2 years after It happened, and I sat in the airport sobbing uncontrollably because that pain that I had worked so hard to bury deep beneath me was finally reappearing, and it hurt worse than anything I knew. If only I knew what heartbreak felt like then. ;-) That was a breaking point for me, when I finally really accepted my reality. That I am among the majority of our country, living among the broken homes.

I think the word "broken" when describing my family is a part of what stabbed me so hard. I wasn't broken because my mom and dad no longer lived together anymore. I was still loved, I still saw my dad every week and he never disappeared. I was still fed and clothed and I made it to school, almost, everyday. 

But today I was talking to the cutest and sassiest 4 year old imaginable about my family. I explained how I have 2 brothers that are my own, and then on one side I have 2 step sisters and one step brother, then on the other side I have 3 step sisters and 3 step brothers. I have two moms and two dads. I have like quadruple the grandparents. It is kind of a hard concept for a 4 year old to grasp, I thought, until she said "you are so lucky you have so many people in your family," and I remembered what I wrote in my journal the summer my dad got married. "I just have more people in my life to love," and I am not saying by any means from that point on that I was the perfect step daughter or step sister, I am sure my family can vouch for me ;-), but I think at that point I truly realized to love what is in front of me. To soak in the trials I am faced with, and become a better person. Sometimes the only happiness we have in our lives is the happiness what we create out of our heartbreaking, devastating and just crappy situations. 

But as I think of this concept, that I may have a "broken" family, that I simply have more people I get to love, I think of the phrase "come what may and love it," that phrase just speaks to my soul! I mean that phrase gets me all hallelujah-ing and swaying to the truth it speaks, because I think if there is one phrase I will remember until the day I die, is to let "come what may and love it." Because when the world in front of you is crumbling, when all you know is lost, when your parents divorce or you boyfriend breaks up with you, you have one reality in front of you. You can't hangout at a friend's house where the family is happily together or third wheel on your friends relationship for forever, at some point reality becomes reality and you have to accept it. But just because reality can suck, doesn't mean that you have to have the life sucked out of you too.

This phrase is a tricky one, because when what comes comes, and it does- trust me- it comes hard. There have been few times in my life where I have felt it come down on me, but when it does it kind of feels like there is an earthquake inside of my little world and also a plague is going through the world and also all dogs on the planet are dead, that is pretty much what it feels like. And if I could take my own advice daily, of finding the joy in the hardest and most bitter parts of life, I would be a lot better off. But for some reason, because I have finally come to terms with my reality, that yeah I have a family that grew about 5 times in size within 5 years, I feel like I need to let the universe know that I am okay with talking about "the D word."

xoxo