Giving Much Thanks

Things I am grateful for that I never imagined I would be grateful for:
-That my life is not the same it was a year ago, and that I am not the same person
-Happy couples
-My trials
-Friends that give me a hard time
-Boys that are not clingy
-Sweet potatoes
-I am not right about everything
-Tears
-Decisions are hard
-The people who decided to walk out of my life
-Those who fought to stay in my life
-The roads in Gilbert
-The fact that it is okay to not be okay
-Hugs
-Those people who don't let you be alone when you think you need to be
-Hard times, because they make the good times shine that much brighter
-Justin Bieber's new album
-Being told I am missed
-The fact that love isn't what I envision it to be
-People change, circumstances change, ideals change

xoxo

Back At It- Carpe Diem

I am that kind of person that needs a reminder. I need to set alarms in my phone to remind me to stop my Spotify Premium membership (which I still have not done gosh darn) and I need constant reminders from friends and family that everything works it's own way out in the end. Basically, I am needy. I am the type of person to retreat from conflict, to firmly think what I want and need, but never voice it. There have been times where I crawl into bed and replay my day and think "holy sh!t I carpe diemed the CRAP out of this day," and sleep with a sound mind that I grasped every opportunity and advantage I was given. Other times I have replayed the events of my day and I think "oh I could have brightened her day by lending a kind word," or "I should have attempted to flirt back with him," but you loose some you win some, right? Here are a few situations where I have carpe diemed the shiz out of that day.

I refer to this moment a lot, because I think it definitely is a moment that contributes to the box of "McKenzie's memories that shaped her into the outstanding human being she is today," although my mom said it was bratty and kind of lame of me. Oh well. So sometime in my past I had this boyfriend who I was quite fond of, we (he) decided to break things off because of personal reasons (he was starting his mission papers and could not have a girlfriend) so, respecting that decision- with much aide and support from friends and family, with Mom in bold print, I accepted it and we went our separate ways, kind of. See, going separate ways is hard when you live in Gilbert, Arizona, but whatever. Then, a few weeks after this devastating parting he decided it was okay to have a girlfriend, I know what you are thinking. What the heck! I am shocked! I am so confused! He clearly told me he could not have a girlfriend, yet he has one?! This, alongside a few other rumors heard throughout the grapevine, was the last straw. This moment happened right after the two minute warning bell for third period struck, and I was also struck with courage. I walked right out of my little circle of friends, as everyone was scrambling to make it to their class because at that point in the school year tardies were scarce, for no one wanted to accumulate yet another one, risking loosing credit for the class. I, in my good butt jeans and favorite sandals that remind me of my favorite blogger @sincerleyjules, walked right up to my ex boyfriend and his new girl and faced them, heart racing nonetheless, and said with a sincere (very sarcastic) tone, "aw what a cute couple," and walked away. Shay stood right behind me and caught up to me with her jaw on the ground. I can still picture her wide mouthed grin to this day. I was immature, I was low, I was snarky, but I was brave. I sure carpe diemed the shiz out of that one. The rest of the story was fun, it kind of spread just a little where an underclassman called me "savage" (a complimentary term, surprisingly) in my 6th period clay class. It was not and is not that big of a deal to anyone else involved, I am sure they two of them went of their merry way, drunk in love, and forgot about the whole ordeal, but I use that moment to tell myself that I can be brave, I can be passive aggressive and I always find everything out.

One time, I didn't carpe diem the shiz out of my day. One time I let a great, and possibly fantastic, opportunity slip out of my hands. This is the simple story of the boy meets girl, boy flirts with girl and makes her heart beat super fast, girl flirts back with boy and they become friends, but unlike the usual happily ever after fairy tale ending we are all to accustomed to, in this story, girl gets scared and finds excuses not to open herself up to said boy. So in the end, boy and girl move away and never speak again and girl is left wondering if boy ever wonders what could have happened with boy and girl. Have I lost you yet? Basically, jump at any chance you have at any kind of happiness, especially if that kind of happiness is wrapped up in a cute boy who makes your heart smile. Maybe if I would have opened myself up to a new relationship I would have been deliriously happy, or maybe I would have been burned. Who knows? All I know is that I am stuck here wishing that I would have seized the day, that I would have grasped the opportunity dangling in front of me and just took a giant leap of faith, because we can not let our past burns get in the way of our futures- we just can't let those crappy boys who ruined us ruin our chance at happiness.

Another moment in my life that I "carpe diemed" the day, when I decided to be less snarky and a little more smart, was when I decided to take a leap of faith and move to Malaysia to be a nanny. From the start I programmed myself that after graduation I would start at a great university in the fall, I would meet new and fabulous people and I would get a degree in business. Then I would carry onto be a fashion buyer where I would live in a realm of travel and sparkles and clothes, because up until halfway through my senior year that is what I wanted for my life. And then I hit this bump in the road, kind of like a midlife crisis but when I was 18, and I realized that I didn't want that life, I knew I could achieve it, I had no doubt, but after much prayer and thought I decided I could not decide on school, and it would come to me. And then this opportunity came, one where I would pack up my life into two 50 pound suitcases and a carry on to live 9,000 miles away, and be a nanny. And that moment that I decided to say yes, where I seized the day, I am grateful for that moment and this family every day of my life.

I hope that we all go to bed with the thinking that you carpe diemed the shiz out of the day, and the mindset that you will do it again tomorrow. I hope that we do not have to be a brat to exes in the hallway to feel good about ourselves, but sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do. 

Keep doing you.

xoxo

Suck It Up

I was chatting with a friend over Facetime the other day and I was reminiscing in the good 'ol days. It went a little like this:

Me: "Carson, remember when life was so good? Like I had the cutest car, my little blue convertible bug, and I had a boyfriend and I was planning the senior grad nite trip to Disneyland?"

Carson: "Yeah, and remember when that went up into flames in like 3 days?"

This may sound harsh, but it's true. Within two weeks of time, less actually, my car broke down on the freeway on the way to work, my boyfriend and I ended things for real this time and also some little annoying kid somehow convinced the entire senior class that I single handedly kicked him off of the trip to make room for my ex-boyfriend, so you could say I went from 100 to 0 real fast. But here's the thing, I lived. I got a new car, I found a rebound, and I went to Disneyland and had a bomb time with my friends. It wasn't easy, it wasn't easy recovering from a breakup while starting at a new job where I would be at school from 7:30 am to 1:30 pm to rush across town to work the closing shift to come home at 10 pm to a plethora of hate messages from a crime I did not commit, it wasn't easy but I did it. That was a big trial to me. I was a struggling senior, broken hearted and stressed and on the verge of a breakdown, and I did. I broke down.

I put on a mask of happy emotions, I got my eyelashes done and I colored my hair and I looked fine. But inside I was breaking, inside I was loosing too many friends and possibly failing math. There was not a moment where I looked at my puffy face from crying- but never mascara streaked because thank you God for eyelash extensions- and I was all whole and healed, it didn't all happen at once. Slowly, these trials started to mend themselves. Slowly, I realized who my true friends are and I understood why some of my friends that I thought would be lifelong friends had to walk out of my life. I understood why some people can't be in your life at that moment and I had to be okay with that. Slowly, the senior class trip came and we went to Disneyland and I got a little bratty but we all made it there and back- although I had to watch my ex cuddle with his new girl during the whole ride on the trip that two friends and I single handedly put together, but still, I was there and I was trying and I was getting put back together. 

The whole time that my life was just so crappy, I was so frustrated because up to that moment where it all came crumbling down, life was good. I didn't, and to some point still don't, know why it all had to crash into explosive flames in front of me. Sometimes I sit here and wish that things could have just kept going how they were, where I was in a state of blind bliss. But today, at this moment at least, I am grateful that I am broken of that blind bliss. I am grateful that my oh so perfect life crumbled before me because if it had not, if it had not crumbled then, I wouldn't be as strong as I try to be today. I would not know my worth and what I can put up with and deal with- which is a lot more than I thought I ever could.

So sometimes life is really great, like you're in a dream state great, and sometimes life sucks, like you literally forget how to breathe sucks. But it always gets better, it has to, because we are not on this earth to constantly suffer. There is joy in every trial, because of that small trial a lifetime ago I bonded with my Heavenly Father, my family and friends that have impacted my life for a much greater cause than those who chose to walk out of my life.

So hold on, suck it up and stick it out because things are not going to suck for that much longer- and there is so much in this life to be happy about. And when those things stop sucking you will be able to laugh and learn at your trials with a best friend and prepare yourself for the next one.

xoxo

Indecisive

I am really indecisive, like crazy, exhausting and annoyingly indecisive. I cannot make a decision to save my life, kind of. The thing is, most of the time I really do have an opinion or I really do have my mind made up, I just am afraid to see how everyone around me will react. I do not want to step on any one's toes or make anyone uncomfortable, except when choosing where to eat because that is a time that I truly have no preference where to eat, I love all food- I am a lover of all food, so bring it on.

Girls know what they want. 

Girls want to be loved.

Girls want to love.

Girls want to feel pretty.

Girls want to be told they are pretty.

Girls want a cute boy to notice them.

But not knowing what that cute boy wants, how he is going to react, that is the scary part. That is where I think the indecisiveness comes from.

One time, I was crushing on this boy and after I hung out with him I immediately called Paige to gab about our hangout at in n out. Paige is a really good listener and really good at advice, she is basically who you call in any situation- she also is very good at phrasing texts, she basically is the reason why I got half the boys I did. Anyway, I was telling her how I was afraid to like this boy, how I was afraid he was playing with my emotions and that I really should not like him because it will end up in shooting flames and I would be devastated, see I was smart once. But inside, I knew that the possibility of it ending horribly wasn't going to stop me from going for the cute boy, because how do you tell yourself not to feel something you so strongly, purely and vividly do? You just do not. I could debate and make a pros and cons list all night with Paige, but all along I knew what I wanted: him.

Girls know what they want.

I haven't felt uncertain about a person, situation or relationship in a very long time, like back to my dark ages time, and the other day I did. I felt uncertain because I thought I wasn't quite sure what I wanted, and it was when I realized that I know what I want, I just wasn't sure what the other person wanted- and that makes me anxious, that makes me scared and that makes me uncertain. That was the most awful feeling, and I felt similar to how I did when I felt broken. 

So, girls, stop being uncertain. Stop questioning what you really want, what you really deserve and what you are really worth. Don't let the fear of a fireball finale hold you back from stating what you want. Be certain in what you need. It is okay to cause a reaction among your peers, it is okay to want something and to let yourself feel all of the emotions that come along with it, because if we didn't feel those annoying emotions, we wouldn't feel the good ones too. You have to know the lows to know the good stuff.

xoxo

"He Is Very Dreamy"

"He is very dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are."

-Cristina Yang

Today I was calming down the temper tantrum of a very fiesty 8 year old and she seemed to calm down when I would start to tell a story. The story would end and she would again try to escape to run away and never come back! Ever! And then I started a long story, a long story where I let someone be the sun in my life, and I got burned. I love the look in her eyes when I told her about the butterflies I got, I crave the excitement I could see inside of her when I told her I remember what I wore when he kissed me for the first time, I feel the sadness of her face when I told her how my body was so sad and so broken for the first time.

There is no right way to have a relationship, no right way to get a boy to fall for you, and no right way to handle a break up. But if I could have one wish, I wish I would have told myself the words that Cristina told Meredith as she (I won't give the plot away too much).. as she went.. she said the words "He is very dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are." I love that. That like totally feeds my wounded soul! But seriously, that is a reminder that every girl who falls for a boy with dreamy eyes needs. It feels great to be so wrapped up in like that you can't see straight, but always remember that it is okay to put yourself first. It is okay to do something because you want to, it is okay to ditch him for the night to have a girls night with friends, not only because when things get bad your friends will be the ones there for you, but because that is what you want to do. It is so easy to get caught up in someone who you let be your sun, but don't let your own sun fade out too much.

xoxo

We've All Been There: Boy Edition

Been there, done that.

I feel like crushing on or dating certain kind of guys is a rite of passage, like there are those types of guys that we just have all been there. I am not saying there is only a certain amount of types of guys, but I am sure that if you looked at your past "history" you could almost label your past loves as "the schmoozey guy," or "the bad boy," or "the perfectly perfect guy who wasn't the perfect guy," so I have put together a list of types of guys that I am sure we have all been there and done that.

The Guy That Will Be Different: "I know he has said that to her, but he means it this time," "he has this reputation, but he is being real with me," "it just feels so real that he has to be being real with me," I am not blaming or shaming any girl who has spoken these words, because these have all been spoken out of my lips, justifying the wrong guy to be the right guy. Okay so he is a player, but you are going to be the girl to change him! Okay he has a hard time committing but you are going to be the girl to make him commit! Okay so he has a reputation for breaking hearts, but you are going to be the girl to break his! I am going to let you in on a little secret that I have learned in my young 19 years: a boy will not change if he does not want to. The douche bag in your bio class is not going to be the Danny Zuko to your Sandy Olsson, he isn't going to automatically stop playing games with girls hearts because he has "found the one" when he is 18 and is in high school. Falling for The Guy That Will Be Different is a rite of passage, it teaches the girl who has fallen to not step below her worth, to rise above and to find the boy that treats her how she deserves, not one that she has to change so that she can finally get the Prince Charming she has been dreaming of.

The Perfectly Perfect Guy Who Wasn't The Perfect Guy: He is the nice guy, the kind of guy that wants to be a dentist and has plans to settle down with his beautiful wife and three kids, the kind of guy that wants to spend his weekends with the family and their golden retriever, the kind of guy that your great grandmother would be proud that you brought home. He does everything right, he opens doors for you and is super sweet and says nice things, but you find yourself falling for the idea of the Perfectly Perfect guy rather than the guy himself. Letting this guy down is hard, because he has not done anything wrong. How do you tell a Perfectly Person that the thing he is missing, is unexplainable and unable to put in words? But it is possible, and it must be done. This boy taught you how to break a heart, and that you still got a little bit of game left in you.

The Emotionally Unavailable Guy: Holy heck to hannah can we talk about anything hotter than a guy with issues, like you see a bad boy walking down the street with a grunt in his steps and you see the hurt and pain in his eyes and you want more than anything to fix him. You, again, want to be that girl to finally break this guy down and to let him learn to love. You might chip away at his hard exterior, but it never really goes away until he decides he wants it to go away, which only time can tell. The sucky thing about this guy is that because he is so emotionally unavailable you never have closure with him, you are always left with the lingering "what if," like "what if I could have been the girl to get to his heart?" Or "What if he still thinks about me?" Well, sorry to break it to ya girl, but he is long gone and moved on. He is onto the next girl, where she too needs to learn that she can't fix someone to love her, that she needs to find someone who is ready to love her the way she is ready to be loved.

The Rebound Guy: I love this guy! Big fan, big fan. My mom says "The best way to cure a broken heart is to find someone new," and wow I testify to that today, amen sista friend! Everyone has to be some body's rebound, that is just the way it is. Now, don't get too emotionally invested in the rebound, because while in the time frame of having a rebound you still miss your ex, you still kind of want him back and you still need a distraction from him. Basically your rebound is the distraction, the distraction from your bleeding and throbbing heart, and is honestly the quickest and most fool proof way to get over a guy, unless you get "the feels," then you should do as directed: take a step back and assess the situation, are you and said rebound hook up buddies or is there more emotion there, and is the emotion felt from missing your ex, or do you have real feelings? And are these feelings mutual? Because if not, step back before you get burned too quickly. Find a new way, I don't know that way but it has got to be out there. Let me know when you find it.

The Guy You Can't Have: He has a girlfriend, he comes with too much drama, he is your exes best friend, this guy, whoever and whatever he is, is like that McDonald's cup full of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, smiling at you, while you are on the first day of your "no soda," lifestyle (diet.) He is dreamy and flirty and messes with your wounded heart, but you can not have him. Every part of your senses is telling you no, but also screaming yes. Like cool down emotions, I can only take one at a time here. But it is all good, because this too shall pass, because either you get him or you don't. STORY TIME: One time, I totally fell for The Guy You Can't Have, like, under the circumstances it looked like a low blow of me, but I had indeed "caught the feels" and I acted on it in the best way I could, waiting for him to notice me until I moved 9,000 miles away and confessed my true and undying crush on him. It ended there, which is how most stories with The Guy You Can't Have go, stories over, time to go home, the end. The thing about The Guy You Can't Have is that he is named that for a reason, if you can't have him, there is a meaning, one that we can see now or that will be unfolded to us in the future. 

I really so much truly do hope that everyone in this world finds The Guy They Deserve, the guy who fills them up and the guy who makes everything jealous, bad and malicious in this world fade away. I don't really know that much about love, or anything, but I know that if we open our hearts, we will all be blessed with an undying love, maybe one greater than Danny and Sandy. Best wishes.

xoxo

The D Word

So here's the thing, I will and love to openly talk about heartbreak. I live to gab about the boys I've kissed, the boys that broke my heart and the boys who's hearts I've broken. I can carry on a conversation about my goals, the milestones I've overcome, the milestones I've seen my friends overcome. I can, and have, built friendships based on my simple love for the art of fashion. I can discuss the body image issues I've had, I can sympathize with the girls who have felt fat and have felt unworthy of a cute boy and who just do not like themselves. I can even talk about bras- sometimes. I openly spill my emotions on every subject, except for the big scary one. Divorce. The first time that I let myself talk and write about the Divorce was when I was writing a college essay, about 3 1/2 years after It happened, and I sat in the airport sobbing uncontrollably because that pain that I had worked so hard to bury deep beneath me was finally reappearing, and it hurt worse than anything I knew. If only I knew what heartbreak felt like then. ;-) That was a breaking point for me, when I finally really accepted my reality. That I am among the majority of our country, living among the broken homes.

I think the word "broken" when describing my family is a part of what stabbed me so hard. I wasn't broken because my mom and dad no longer lived together anymore. I was still loved, I still saw my dad every week and he never disappeared. I was still fed and clothed and I made it to school, almost, everyday. 

But today I was talking to the cutest and sassiest 4 year old imaginable about my family. I explained how I have 2 brothers that are my own, and then on one side I have 2 step sisters and one step brother, then on the other side I have 3 step sisters and 3 step brothers. I have two moms and two dads. I have like quadruple the grandparents. It is kind of a hard concept for a 4 year old to grasp, I thought, until she said "you are so lucky you have so many people in your family," and I remembered what I wrote in my journal the summer my dad got married. "I just have more people in my life to love," and I am not saying by any means from that point on that I was the perfect step daughter or step sister, I am sure my family can vouch for me ;-), but I think at that point I truly realized to love what is in front of me. To soak in the trials I am faced with, and become a better person. Sometimes the only happiness we have in our lives is the happiness what we create out of our heartbreaking, devastating and just crappy situations. 

But as I think of this concept, that I may have a "broken" family, that I simply have more people I get to love, I think of the phrase "come what may and love it," that phrase just speaks to my soul! I mean that phrase gets me all hallelujah-ing and swaying to the truth it speaks, because I think if there is one phrase I will remember until the day I die, is to let "come what may and love it." Because when the world in front of you is crumbling, when all you know is lost, when your parents divorce or you boyfriend breaks up with you, you have one reality in front of you. You can't hangout at a friend's house where the family is happily together or third wheel on your friends relationship for forever, at some point reality becomes reality and you have to accept it. But just because reality can suck, doesn't mean that you have to have the life sucked out of you too.

This phrase is a tricky one, because when what comes comes, and it does- trust me- it comes hard. There have been few times in my life where I have felt it come down on me, but when it does it kind of feels like there is an earthquake inside of my little world and also a plague is going through the world and also all dogs on the planet are dead, that is pretty much what it feels like. And if I could take my own advice daily, of finding the joy in the hardest and most bitter parts of life, I would be a lot better off. But for some reason, because I have finally come to terms with my reality, that yeah I have a family that grew about 5 times in size within 5 years, I feel like I need to let the universe know that I am okay with talking about "the D word."

xoxo