Good Friend vs. Best Friend

Me: I am running out of fuel, I do not have any more good and fiery blog posts anymore

Carson: The difference between a good friend and a best friend

So when I am on Ellen for my sassy blog, I have a few people to thank. The boy who inspired my infamous first blog post "oops," my utter distaste for army pants, Taylor Swift lyrics, boys who have done my friends and I wrong, and, Carson. 

Friends are like a 7 layer cake. Like the human body comes in different "shapes and sizes," friends do too. Friends are there with a Diet Coke when boys aren't, friends are there to go prom dress shopping with you and friends are there, sometimes, even when you don't want them there. And those are the most important kind, a good friend can sense when something is off and she won't push it, but she is always there.

A good friend likes to get lunch and catch up.

A best friend walks in your room with Ben & Jerrys to talk about everything on end until the wee hours of the morning, where you are both laughing so hard that you are pretty sure chocolate flavored tears are coming out of your eyes from the insane amount of icecream consumed.

A good friend tells you the boy is bad for you.

A best friend tells you the boy is bad for you, then tells you that if he makes you happy then that's how she wants to see you, then holds your hand-witholding "I told you so"- when your best friend was right all along.

A good friend casually implies that dress is a bit short and maybe you should go up a size.

A best friend tells you to flaunt it if you got it, and demands you go down a size to show off your legs.

A good friend tweets "lunch date," with a picture of you looking down at your apple walnut salad.

A best friend snapchats ugly pictures of you to her story, usually you are in pjs or half swimsuit half sweats, it depends on the day.

A good friend keeps you from talking to the boy who broke your heart.

A best friend flips the boy off who broke your heart while pulling up next to him at a stoplight.

A good friend likes to gossip with you about other girls in your friend group.

A best friend spills everything to you about everyone, good and bad.

A good friend will listen to your boy stories with fake interest, trying to pay attention, but sometimes it is hard so she will fade away in the conversation.

A best friend will listen to your analysis of a relationship over and over, with a new take and outlook everytime you guys reach the subject.

A good friend tries to be a good friend by helping her friend do what she does, be the kind of person she is.

A best friend accepts that their best friend has different outlooks on life than she does, but still accepts her all the same.

As Shay said "I don't know how I got to have such good friends as you guys, but now you're stuck with me." I love that. I love friends that I am stuck with, I love friends that will call me out on my crap but also know how much I can handle. I love friends. Friends are important.

xoxo

"Tide To-Go Pens Don't Work On Boyfriends"

Every English teacher that I have encountered has banned the word "things" from the writing of their students. But here's the issue- sometimes I don't know how to put my thoughts into words, I put my thoughts in sounds or tears or icecream, but sometimes coming up with the right word is just hard, and since I am not being graded on my posts I will use "thing" and "stuff" and "your" all I want. 

There are some things that I wish were real things. I wish white out could be used in conversations, I wish I could wipe a tide to go pen over memories and I wish there was a refund or insurance policy on feelings. Yes, I know, we all (insert caring and sympathetic therapist tone of voice) learn from our mistakes and that shapes us into better human beings. And I know that and I fully believe that, but sometimes I get a little rerun of an old feeling and I can't focus- like my vision gets blurred and my speech is confusing and I just wish it would go away. So I am calling a momentary bluff on "we learn from our mistakes."

I wish that when I am talking to a cute boy and I deeply embarrass myself, like pausing because my brain literally freezes because the human in front of me is sent straight from God and I do not think I will ever encounter such a beautiful human being in my life, that I could whip out a can of white out from my back pocket and just cover up that moment. Like whoops, I embarrassed myself yet again can we just scratch that out. Like can we please pretend that I did not just say something too personal or too deep or too feelingy or too clingy, let's just mask it in a thick coat of white out and call it good, pretty please? 

I wish that I could get a refund or insurance policy on feelings. Like before I start to fall for a guy, can I somehow purchase a package that states "incase he turns out to be a total jerk, which a large percentage of guys are, you may feel no remorse when you wake up the day after he breaks your heart, you will not feel the embarrassment of a breakup, you will not miss him because you are smart and you purchased insurance." Like yes, I would please like to return all memories and kisses from this boy, and I am not liable for any damage caused to my broken self. I would invest some big bucks in a little package that would ensure that in the case of a fatal like heart break, that I will be able to build myself up enough in time to not feel the physical toll that a broken heart has on my body. It is like a little cushion. So many nights that I have spent with an aching heart I wished with all of my might that it would go away, that I could pay a price or sign a slip and all of my past feelings and emotions would wipe away. Some call this drugs, I call it icecream and diet coke, but icecream and diet coke starts to take a toll on your body.

Ok so major confession- I have a secret Pinterest board of Taylor Swift quotes that I look at when it is just one of "thoooose" days. I don't know why or how, but Taylor Swift just GETS IT. I mean, she would be a great counselor I feel like because she has expirienced it all. Her quotes seem to describe how too well she knows the "aching of your body crumbling over after a heartbreak" feeling, she knows the "kick-a** mood of I am going to break him" feeling, she knows the "crazy ex-girlfriend" feeling, she knows the "I don't want him anymore but he is still on my mind" feeling- like she knows it all. And that is comforting- especially to see one's feelings in writing. So on one of my binge nights of Taylor Swift quotes I saw this quote  "Tide to-go pens don't work on boyfriends," and ok maybe it is because I am very exhausted or my mind just is not the sharpest tool in the tool box, but it took me a minute to get it. And then I did, and then a light went off and my laptop screen lit up and here we are. Wouldn't that be rad if after a breakup or heartbreak or ending of a "thing" one could go to Target and grab a "tide to-go" pen and just wipe it all over their shattered heart? And I know and believe that trials make you stronger and all of that good stuff, but honestly, we all have been there and it hurts. And sometimes I could really use a tide to-go pen.

So, let's put science to a greater use and create some packages to ensure the sting of a heartbreak is not too heavy to handle.

xoxo

I Run

I'm a runner. Mentally and (sort of) physically. When things get hard, I run. When my parents told me they were getting divorced, I ran across the neighborhood. When a boy tried to break my heart, I went for a run until I absolutely could not breathe. When I couldn't make a decision and I felt like the world was crashing down on me, I ran away- 9,000 miles away. So I run, aka I hide from my problems. I shove everything under the mat as far as it can go. I make sure that any confrontation or issue is hid far from any eyes. If I am upset or hurt or grieving, I don't want people to see. I vividly remember one day being just so distraught in class, the mat could not longer contain my feelings, and it felt as though everyone caught on. I hated it. I hate how someone can look at my facial expression and see that I am breaking inside, it just sucks. I would have ran from the millions of "what's wrong," "why are you sad" and awfully pressuring questions, but I was out of absences and I really needed to graduate. 

When things would bug me or get under my skin I would not let it bug me and make sure the person provoking me was comfortable. No confrontation=comfort, right? :-( wrong. Sorry Kenz, you can only be walked all over for so long. It's not okay or normal to let other people's feelings and emotions over bear your well being. This is not selfish, it took me a long time to realize this. Yes, being compassionate and emphathizing with one another is important and necessary, and hard to not do, but it is taking me a long while to realize this. To realize that it is okay to let someone know when they're bugging the crap out of you. Tell your boyfriend when he's pissing you off, tell your best friend when she's being irrational, tell yourself it is okay to feel what you are feeling when you are feeling it. We feel things for a reason, we don't get bugged at a situation for the heck of it, it's not like our brain says "hey he is treating me super crappy and I'm gonna get bugged by it and not say anything just for kicks and giggles! Wahoo!" Feelings, like a cute boy, should never go unrecognized. 

This is to all of the shover underneath the ruggers, to the anti confrontationalists, to the people pleasers, to the runners- do what makes you happy. Always uplift one another along the way, but remember what you're feeling. Listen to feelings, they're important. 

Xoxo

Alma 5:27

Nineteen

Creepy

Old

Fergalicious

Crazy

Tough

Lipstick

Baby

Eeeek

Cry

Gross

Cool

Red

Decisions

Commitment

Dance

Laugh

Cringe

Change

Yuck

When I think of 19 those are the words that come to my head. I associate odd things, like to me the time "4am" is like raw meat. I don't know, I am weird and I don't know how to stop being weird. Sometimes I still worry that my mom actually did pay all of the boys who asked me to dances to ask me, but it's okay because I went- so what. 

I have mentioned this before, but the number 19 is so cool to me. Like when I meet people who are 19 they always have beautiful long hair, black nail polish, a smokin' bod and also a boyfriend who rides a motorcycle without a helmet- dreamy. But the other night I was laying in bed and realization struck me that this is my last year as a teen. It is my last year where I can eat ice cream as a meal, my last year where I can really talk about high school, my last year of my youth. I mean it kind of is all downhill from here. Once I hit 20 I feel like the words are "mortgage, kids, decisions, broccoli, grump." I know that is not true, and that life really goes uphill- I am hoping and assuming so, because so many people make it past 19- but the thought of no longer being a teen makes me want to eat my hair. Maybe that will get rid of all of my split ends. Here are 19 things that I will miss about being a teen:

19. Ordering off of the kids menu

18. A teenager metabolism

17. Not being officially moved out

16. Still on my parents insurance

15. My mom schedules my dentist appointments for me

14. Sitting at the kids table at family functions (the kids table has a bad rep, but hey, I can sit at the kids table and eat all of the white bread rolls with butter I want without the disapproving eyes of a grown up)

13. My hardest decisions of the day include what should I eat for lunch and how do I trick Harleigh into letting me braid her hair?

12. I can still have "crushes" on "boys" instead of doing the adult thing and talking to them like a normal human being

11. Eating 4 pieces of pizza and not feeling sick

10. Eating 4 pieces of pizza and then being able to go on a run

9. I can still drag my parents along with me to do "grown up" things, like signing up for school or an apartment

8. Long hair

7. Still having an optimistic outlook on life

6. Colorful nail polish

5. Having time to "do lunch" with friends, like 5 times a day

4. No grown up jobs, kind of

3. Short skirts

2. Bad heels that kill your feet, but I still have the stamina to endure

1. I don't really have to go to singles ward yet

Dear 19 years old, I promise to be brave, I promise to let new challenges scare me but I promise to tackle them, I promise to love the things I love and learn to love the things I hate, I promise I will try to dress better and eat better and speak kinder words, I promise to not be married while I am 19. 19, please be good to me.

xoxo

Thoughts That Came Into My Head

Straight from Twitter drafts though:

-My favorite thing about living in Malaysia is not running into people I know

-Seriously craving Red Robin French fry powder stuff ugh

-Being wanted is a good feeling though

-Sometimes it's the thought of a happy future that keeps you going

-Today I was holding a baby and got baby hungry and then the little thing started crying and I became puppy hungry instead

-"I think I cease to exist"

-I hope your ex dates all of your best friends

-It's you, it's always been you

-I love cheesy couple selfies I think they're CUTE sue me I don't care, bite me hate me whatever

-That point where you're so tired you fall asleep in the shower

-"We are impulsive and compulsive"

-Today I am grateful I am not the same person I was a year ago

-Question of the day: Why do guys think being a d bag makes them more attractive???

-I'm a solid four- in looks, size and personality

"And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait," I don't think I have ever laughed louder out loud in a public setting because of a book

-"Time passed, and pain turned to memory"

-I'm weird and I don't know how to stop being weird so sometimes you just gotta embrace it

-Firm believer in love the lovers, play the players

-Getting stuck in the elevator daily needs to stop being a thing

-When the thought makes you sick

-There's never a problem pizza can't solve

xoxo

I Know My Times Tables!

I vividly recall the image of my third grade teacher marching around the classroom clapping to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" the multiples of 6, I can picture her bangs that she fashioned in such a way that they resembled a flower, I see her finger nails that she for some reason would file to sharpen to a point, and I, to this day, remember my times tables. I was 8 years old when I learned them, and today I am 18 years old. My times tables are just one of those things that is drilled into my memory, as much as I can try to erase that memory or the numbers or the tune, it is there. It just is. I like to think that I have a superb memory, but I also like to think that the real reason why boys don't talk to me is because they are intimidated by me (thx mom) and that mermaids do exist, so take that statement cautiously. Sometimes those little nuggets of memory expose themselves so I made a little list of those nuggets of pure genius, pure genius thoughts and ideas and lessons that I will never forget, pure thoughts of genius that I will carry with me into the afterlife.

-"If you sit up straight your stomach will automatically suck in and you will look taller and thinner," I think this as I can feel my muffin top out of my tight jeans when I had a bit too much pasta for dinner.

-"You say 'sorry' too much," I agree, I should stop apologizing for things I believe in and things I feel, so now when I find myself about to justify my emotions, I just accept and embrace that I am not the average human being- but (brace yourself for a very deep and poetic statement) what really is the average human being??

-"It does not matter what grade you got, as long as you tried your hardest," I don't think I applied the true meaning to this statement as I failed multiple math quizzes because I chose to hangout with a cute boy instead of study, but still.

-"The quickest way to a boys heart is through his stomach," the first hangout with my only real life boyfriend was at in n out, with food, therefore this statement is true.

-"x equals negative b, plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac all over 2a," I can spit out the quadratic formula LIKE NOBODIES BUSINESS

-"You can be whatever you want, as long as it makes you happy," I love my mom eternally for this statement she told me, and I returned it with "what if Tyson wants to be a power ranger?" But what I was really thinking was "what if I grew up to be a stripper?" I was a weird kid.

-"You run faster if your second toe is longer than your first toe," thank you Bailee Germaine, you will forever be faster than me.

-"Remember who you are and what you stand for, and remember be nice to all the boys but only flirt with the cute boys, you don't want to give the wrong boys the wrong impression," my mom would always say her little monologue as I got out of the car to go to the movies with friends- where I would meet up with a group of boys and hope to sit by the boy I like eeek!!!!-or when I would rush out of the door to school and to this day I am ever so grateful for both little nugget of wisdom.

-"The most attractive thing a girl can do while eating dessert is to twist the spoon in her mouth, I heard it on the radio," thank you Holly I will never eat ice cream the same way, and you're welcome to everyone who will ever eat ice cream again with a boy.

-"That can either go to waste, or it can go to your waist," I normally take the risk of it going to my waist, because the next worst thing than retail regret is the regret you feel at 11pm wishing you ate that donut.

-"I knew I was in love with your Grandpa Riggs when I met his family," bless my Great Grandma Riggs' soul, but to be honest, when I asked her when she knew she was in love with my Great Grandpa Riggs, I was a little disappointed by this response. I was hoping for "the moment he kissed me in the rain while Frank Sinatra played in the background," or "when he looked at me that way he did when I would laugh," something sweet and cheesy and cliche, but I am far from disappointed from her response today, and I think I have thought of that statement everyday since the day she told me.

xoxo

Four Months, Plus Some

I have started this post about 674 times in the past 4 days, some things come and some things just do not. And then I put it aside, and the whole "four months after graduation," thing kind of went out the window. So I am currently a 4 month plus a few odd days graduate of highschool. Wahoo!

I had this grand idea of a post to post exactly four months after graduation, I didn't know what it would be about, but it would just come- the ideas would flow and everything would fall into place. Kind of like my plans for after high school, I would live life and everything would fall into place.

Well see the issue is, I don't remember the date of graduation. And then, the dates get all freaky when you live across the world from the state you graduated in, so I do not know when to post this to make it exactly four months after I graduated, four months after I watched Allie give a sparkling senior speech, four months after I said goodbye to a whole slew of amazing humans- some more amazing and like-able than others, but nonetheless amazing. 

Approximately four months ago I became a graduate of Highland highschool. Throw words like cheesy and cliche at me and call it a day, but this was more of a start than it is an ending. Four months ago I knew 4 things:

1.) I would be moving to Malaysia in August

2.) Boys suck, like a lot

3.) I am really glad I wore the shoes I did because I did not have the unfortunate experience of stripper like heels sink into grass

4.) I had strep throat

Today, four months later (give or take a few days) I know 4 things:

1.) I am moving to Provo in January

2.) Boys suck when you enter high school, when you graduate high school, and after you graduate. It is their thing they're good at- they're good at sucking so there's that

3.) I do not need everyone that was in my life at the time of graduation to thrive and be happy, people have walked out of my life and padlocked the door shut, and I am okay with that, I know how to keep the people in my life that lift me up

4.) I actually did not have strep throat, I had a weird nasal sinus gross word medical lingo thing going on, probably an accumulation of stress, heartache and lots and lots of tears

So here I am, post graduation McKenzie. 

I still sleep with my stuffed elephant, have Taylor Swift on replay and still find my heart skip a beat when a cute boy favorites my selfie. Wow I have come a long way!!!

Four months of basically summer has made my heart eternally feel more gratitude for a plethora of things (Oh gosh, I sound like, as Jen from TBD would say "that girl who uses big words to make her sound smart but she doesn't make any sense," and here's the thing, Jen is going to law school so she knows what big words mean) that are in my everyday life. 

I feel like there is this theme going around life right now, maybe it is always constantly here and I am just finally getting into the know of things, but I feel as though so many people are not content with where they are. Junior year I could not wait for senior year, senior year I was praying graduation would come faster, graduation comes and I cannot wait to move 9,000 miles away to Malaysia, Malaysia is here and I just cannot stop thinking about moving to Provo and starting school, and I feel like when I am in school I will just want to be done and graduated already, and the cycle continues. I am learning to soak in the now, to be happy now. I used to say to my friends "I will be happy when... he leaves... I leave... this day is over... " and the list continues, but I wish I would have spent more time being happy in the moment rather than waiting to be happy. These moments we experience are meant to be happy, yeah they're tough and sometimes unbearable, but they aren't meant to make us want to shove our bodies under the covers and not come up for air, they are here to be enjoyable. So enjoy the moment you're in, stop waiting for the "when" and start finding "joy in the journey," (do I remind you of your beehive leader yet??) 

Just some thoughts.

xoxo