The Best Is Yet To Come

"Why Do Happy Things Still Make You Sad

I just find it funny that someone or something who brought utter pure joy into your life, can be something that haunts your soul. How twisted is that? I will see a picture of a moment in time, I will tell a story of a funny moment or I will hear a song that will remind me of all the feelings I felt and I will feel sad because I still have those feelings, and then I get sad that something so happy is burdening my soul and is making my body into a huge frowny face. Life and friends and love should be happy. Those are happy things. I feel like the universe is bending the rules on me and is letting happy things remind me of emotions, and the universe is letting me be sad. I need some ice cream now."

-Found in my drafts for this blog on the date of 25th, probably written late at night from the obviously clear message I am trying to establish. And because of the very likely fact that it was written in the wee hours of the morning, I never chose to publish it. Now today, September 18th, I am responding to my dark and twisted soul of May 25th, on the fact that remembering happy things made me sad.

So here's the thing, I still can't watch Friday Night Lights without thinking about a boy I was deeply infatuated with and we would watch it together and I find myself start to miss who I was when I hung out with him, I can't listen to "Teardrops On My Guitar" because I would have that song on replay during my parents divorce (how a loss of a boy and a divorce connect to a 13 year old girl I have no idea???) and I feel those feelings I felt, and I still can't look at pictures of EFY Hawaii circa 2013 without falling deeply in love with my EFY COW Patrick (he was a tennis player at Skyline High and I was sure we were destined for each other.) 

I read in Cosmo once that we, as girls and ladies and women, should not stop watching our favorite TV show because it reminds us of our ex. So I turned on an episode of Friday Night Lights, and went on a major Taylor Swift quote binge about 3 minutes into the episode. That is the one time in my life that I took Cosmo's advice and it failed me. But here's the thing, I was never crazy about Friday Night Lights, I was crazy about the person I was watching it with- I just loved that he loved that I loved it.

I think about this a lot, not because I am still wondering what team Smash signed onto, but because I think a lot about how the memories we have associate with feelings we feel.

It is actually cool, how I can listen to a song and close my eyes and feel every throat tightening, cannot breathe and life shattering experience that I felt five years ago. I am thankful for this, I am thankful that I can remember the pain and the hurt that I have experienced because when something comes into my tiny world that I think for sure, this is going to take me down, I can look back to when I thought I would never breathe again and see that I got past that, I can get past this. That passed, this too shall pass. Some days are harder than others, some days I am sad, some days I miss who I was and how everything felt, but I am just relying on faith that the best is yet to come.

So, May 25th McKenzie, we have come a far way. You still do not have a boyfriend, you still can't go down a pant size in jeans (except for Paige brand because they stretch) but you still do not have a broken and bleeding heart. You still can't watch Friday Night Lights or listen to "Teardrops On My Guitar," but you can find happiness in the darkness, and you don't let the happiness of what once was, overcome the chance to be happy for what can be.

xoxo

Friends are Fragile: Handle With Care (And Icecream)

I have made an executive decision: being a best friend is the toughest job in the world. Well, in my 18 year old nannying world at least. A best friend wears many hats when you're 18. When you're 18 and your world revolves around cute boys and gross school and just trying to make it through the day without another emotional break down, your world is in desperate need of a Meredith Grey to your Cristina Yang, or vice versa.

A best friend wears the cap of a match maker. As your best friend, it is in explicitly written that she must perform wing woman duties when asked upon because no one wants to see a best friend single, also it is just the nice thing to do. This cap of the match maker means you will take selfies looking ugly only to brighten the shine of your bestie in the picture, you will investigate the targets life and find out what he thinks of your BFF while also mentioning tidbits of information that will put your best friend in the best possible light to him, you basically forgo some of your social life for a little to put a bit of happiness in your best friends- it is a sacrifice every best friend has to make. And your best friend will do the same for you, every healthy best friend relationship requires some give and take.

Your best friend wears the hat of a therapist, to give you all of the best advice she or he can muster, to tell you when you are being downright ridiculous, to be a shoulder to cry on when you feel like your heart cannot take anymore. As a therapist you watch your best friend make stupid mistakes with her heart and that stupid boy, and you spoon feed her death wishes upon that boy that crushed her like you will spoon feed her Ben & Jerry's the night of the break up. A part of this hat comes with being an excellent listener, not a good or sub par listener, but an excellent one. Every girl goes through this time in her life, maybe once ever or maybe once a week, but it is what Amber calls a "boy peak," where it seems as though every boy in the universe is into you. Those are awesome times. Those times are like eating a Krispey Kreme doughnut- so scrumptious and desirable in the moment, but once it is gone, you are left feeling like you are about to throw up your whole stomach, from either the donut or the boys. This tends to occur post break up, and when it happens, girls like to gush. Girls love to let other girls know when they are wanted, they like to hear the reactions of "Billy told me I am cute," and "Joe said he wants to take me for a drive to the lake," which by the way Joe is probably a hoe and just wants a backseat make out, but a best friend doesn't say that. A best friend opens her mouth as far as it will go and bugs her eyes out and is interested in every detail of the 12 minute texting conversation you and Joe the hoe had (name courtesy to Paige.) This is one of the challenging time for a best friend, because although best friends are trained to listen to the multiple boy stories, a best friend can only muster up so many different reactions to "Frank Bob Justin Cool Guy told me he thinks my butt is cute, again!!!," so when you are experiencing a boy peak, please gab and gush to your person, but please do not over do it. And as a footnote to being an excellent listener, keeping those secrets your best friend funnels into your mind are tightly sealed with a padlock and you are not to tell a soul. You do not tell a boy, you do not tell your mom, and you certainly under any possible circumstance do not tell another girl. This girl has trusted in you to be her person, her BFF, and you must keep the sacred vow of keeping her secrets like you would like yours to be kept. It is just expected. 

Another hat found in a best friends closet is the hat of loyalty, which I feel I gab on all of the time about, but this cute bedazzled baseball cap ;-) of practicing the art of having RBF in defense of your best friend. When it comes to contact with that one person that your best friend will probably be cursing in her grave, you hold your own RBF in support of her. You support her, you hold her hand and her heart in defense of that one person because you are her person- the award for the same words used over and over again in the same sentence goes to me, thank you, I gracefully accept this award and would like to thank my best friends who hold RBF's with me, you keep doing you. You don't have to actually dislike your person's one person, but you do not have to become best friends with your person's one person either. Award number two is in the mail and I am expecting it in 3-8 business days. This subject is a little touchy and a little risky and a little iffy, but basically someone who makes your best friend of all time and eternity feel like they are the scum of the earth, is someone who you will not be inviting to your backyard bbq/slumber party, metaphorically speaking of course.

Friends are important to me. My friends are a part of the reason why I have kept going, why I keep going and why I will keep going in the future. Friends are these little precious gems of goodness that we as humans must cherish, nurture and love because what they give in return is more than our brains can imagine and comprehend. My friends have taught me that people need people, that they will always be there when boys aren't, and that it is okay sometimes to sit in bed and eat pizza with cheese crusts. Everyone needs someone to lay on the floor with them when you're in a tutu and a bikini top and your prom shoes because you miss a boy, that is the kind of person that sticks around for the lowest of the lows, and the kind of person I am grateful for even when I find myself listening to anther's tales of her boy peak.

Be good to friends, friends are fragile.

xoxo

Slutty Nurse, Anti Halloween, Cannon Ball

When I was in fourth grade I used to walk back from my math class everyday with a particular blond girl, and everyday she would sing and it would make me so uncomfortable. I don't know, I get uncomfortable easily. And then to make the situation that much better, she would ask me if I thought she was good and through my teeth I would muster out a "yes amazing," and then speed walk back to my safe classroom, and walk past my crush where he would look up and smile at me and I would stick my tongue out at him- I was a master at flirting even back then. But at this time in life is the time when I started to categorize people. There was those girls who sang in the hallway and in the bathroom during recess, there was those girls who would wear tight booty jean shorts to school and they never had their hair done, there was those girls who used a napkin on their lap during lunch (???), the list went on. Well, on until about 10 maybe, and when I would meet someone they would fit inside that category. I didn't do it to make a person less than they were or to judge quickly (which I am aware this is what that sounds like) I just did it as a comfort thing, and also as a way to remember who was who and who liked what and who liked who. With Fall quickly approaching and thoughts of pumpkins and bonfires circling in our brains, I thought I would have a few quick categories of different types of girls who dress up as different costumes for Halloween. (Idea courtesy of Shay Bae)

Slutty Nurse: "It is so good to see you, I am so glad to see that you went back and got your degree," if you do not remember this part of The Office when Michael is speaking to the nurse stripper in the beginning of season four, the episode labeled "fun run," then you cannot truly grasp the humor of The Office and we have a very large chance of not becoming friends- your loss obviously because I am clearly a sane, drama free and free spirited type of girl. We all know that girl who uses Halloween as the excuse to dress up as a total skank, which, if you got it flaunt it. YOU DO YOU. I mean if I had the amenities to rock that low cut, tight and short slutty nurse outfit you can bet your bottom dollar I would want to rock it too, but I don't- for personal reasons, not for the reason I do not have the amenities because I cannot stop eating those darn chocolate tarts. Anyway, so we got the slutty nurse who will lure boys into her "health" and "brains" to get a check up, if you know what I mean.

Anti Halloween: AKA anti fun, AKA you hate smiles, AKA you hate sugar and children and probably do not like happiness. This is the girl who will throw on a black t shirt with a glittery spider and show up to the Halloween party as a "spider" oohhh creative! and call it good. If that's you, then that's you, just know that no one thinks you really are a spider and don't forget that you are taking the only day of the year where you can dress up as anything you want and wasting it on a crappy t shirt with a pair of skinny jeans and your old beat up converse, you probably curled your extensions perfect and maybe you have long glittery eyelashes, because that is very spidey- like.

Cannon ball: I call this girl the "cannon ball" because when you jump into the pool in a cannon ball fashion, everyone knows what is going on and everyone notices you and you splash, naturally, and the "cannon ball" type of girl makes a splash in her Halloween costume. She has the wig, she has the face paint makeup, she even has the ripped stockings with the fake cuts underneath on her legs for effect, she basically is Cady Heron when she walks into the Halloween party in that one scene of Mean Girls. Amidst slutty nurses, skanky bunnies and plenty of Anti-Halloweeners, you definitely make a splash. Your presence is hard to miss, for your blow up costume with the lights twinkling and most likely fireworks shooting out take up most of the room, but embrace it. YOU DO YOU.

I love Halloween. I love that one day of the 365 days we are given a year (granted we are not experiencing a leap year) we can dress up and be whatever we want, whoever we want- and it is normal. It is expected. I am a firm believer in the fact that what you wear changes your attitude and your self esteem to a point, so on Halloween we can be the sluttiest, the most boring, the utterly fantastic whatever our hearts want us to be- and that is *a neon flashing lights sign of* wonderful.

xoxo

I Love You September

I have a love affair with September. It is like the pre season to fall, well as fall as Malaysia or Arizona can get really. I think I am so infatuated with September because to me September holds routine and consistency. By September my routine has set in from my messy sleep schedule of summer,  school is in full swing and by September I am starting to slightly sniff fall, my ultimate favorite season.

*Fun fact* whatever season it is, is my ultimate favorite season, I am wishy washy like that.

Fall is also building up to my legit, true, no lie here favorite month of all time October. I love the build up. The pause before the kiss, the split second before the roller coaster shoots off, the plane ride to a vacation. The pure possibility of what could happen the next second is exhilarating and heart pounding worthy. September is when my mind begins to fathom my legs surviving in shorts in cold (70 degree) weather, September is when cuddling becomes necessary for survival, September is that unexplainable moment before something exciting is about to happen- that moment where your brain pauses and your palms sweat with excitement and the unknown is about to become the known.

September is like the feeling that Maleficent has when she is walking through the woods and she is destroying that brick wall behind her, it is how Tina Fey felt walking into that New Years Eve party in her best GAP jeans and turtleneck to look great in front of her ex boyfriend and his new blond dancer girlfriend, September is showing up to prom looking amazing with hopes to make your ex be jealous beyond belief. It is that moment of amazing hope, hope that what is coming is better than what you have right now.

And then suddenly the known hits, and it is October. Even the word October is so stinking cute, I am a bit biased. October is scary movies (ultimate favorite) and first kiss stories and warm and fuzzy, I am thankful for October.

I am thankful for September for preparing us for October.

xoxo

Not Caring Is Not Cool

High waisted jean booty shorts, bailing on someone, french fries without ketchup- not cool.

Crushes, milkshakes, big hugs- way cool.

"Tbh I am really good at texting back I just say I am not to sound more cool and less desperate." For some reason, the cool thing is not to care. When you're crushin' hard core on that cute boy in front of you in class, the cool and cute thing to do is be unavailable and not care that he makes your heart beat super fast when he whispers "hey" followed by your name. (Side note, isn't the way a cute boy says your name like the best thing since sliced bread?!) 

For some odd reason, showing no affection gets one more affection. For some reason, in this odd and beautiful world if I do not text back I suddenly gain power, but why can't sincere caring be cool and hip and groovy. Now I have fallen for this too, I have tried to not care when I am majorly crushing and unfortunately it works, and I have too backed off from a boy who shows too much interest.. unfortunately. IT IS JUST THIS SUCKY THINGS WE AS HUMANS DO. It's kind of like the thing about not liking your exes current fling or whatever as previously mentioned in "My Favorite Things To Hate: EXPLICIT" this "showing I care" thing is just not cool. Like no one wants a clingy girl, but also why in the heck is showing that I think you're kinda cute clingy? Why is it a big deal if you know I think you're cute? How does that alone suddenly make me less desirable? I mean the heart wants what it wants, but if you ask me, I am more likely to fall for a boy who shows a little interest rather than one who will text me and not respond after I do, what a world we live in. Ugh.

xoxo

So Here's The Thing

So here's the thing, my blog was conceived out of wedlock. I didn't create clearlykenzie to inspire people, to share workout tips, to spill where the greatest deals are, to showcase how spectacular this life I'm living is, it was created out of a quick moment of anger and sass and the want to get back at the source of my anger. My first post "oops," came out of my bitter, sarcastic, heartbroken side. I was sad at a boy who broke my heart, embarrassed me, made promises he chose not to keep, I was a mess. When I wanted to take a stab at that situation I would blog it out, I cope with humor. I would cover my feelings in a thick layer of satire to ease my soul, and slowly but surely my soul was put to ease. My best posts come from that bitter part of me that lets out all of my annoyances, but here's the thing- that bitter part of me is healing. My life is calmer now, I'm not boiling with anger when I think of a heartbreak, I'm not saying my life is perfect, because by all means it is far from it, but I'm happy. I read my scriptures, I keep people in my life who uplift me, I get to care to 4 of the sweetest kids on this planet and they bring a smile to my face everyday. I don't have a boyfriend, or a perfect hot bod, or even my full wardrobe, but I'm just happy. I have my bad days, I have days where I get jealous from a post on social media, where I get a flash of emotion from a song or a picture, days where I miss my mom lots, but I'm not bitter. 

So what I'm trying to say is, clearlykenzie might be a bit dull for a little, I'm sorry. I don't have anything to be bitter about, to pull my wit out and make snarky remarks on. I still get bugged like crazy at boys, I still don't like army pants, but I'm not waving my white flag on this blog, I'm just saying to the maybe 3 people that read my blog, I'm putting a pause on my pity party I like to occasionally throw and I am celebrating being happy. I'm continuing to post thoughts that pop into my head because we all know I have lots of crazy ones, and sometimes a memory comes to mind and I want to spill about my feelings and experiences, but don't give up on clearlykenzie. I'm maturing, I'm learning how to handle life when it doesn't go how I want it to, I'm learning to literally find joy in the mess- and this whole learning thing is actually quite messy. And I mess up, a lot. So believe in clearlykenzie, believe in celebrating happiness, believe in kisses, believe in kind words, believe in sugar, believe in friends.

Xoxo

Things To Remember

-it's always better to be together

-love the lovers, play the players

-every occasion calls for Taylor Swift

-don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to

-feelings are a gross thing and should always be avoided at all costs

-"all men are fools, the sooner you learn that the better"

-sometimes your everything isn't someone else's everything, but it will be for someone

-someone has to protect your heart, and sometimes you are the only person you can count on to do it

-not everyone you loose is a loss

-fake it 'til you make it, but you're gonna have to make it sometime

-when in doubt, doughnut it out

-you have to move on sometime

-it's okay to not be okay

-even if you suck at singing, never stop singing in the car 

-sometimes One Direction just hits the spot

-it's easier to forgive than to hold a grudge, as sucky as it seems :-/

-don't tell someone you miss them if you don't

-it's okay to text first sometimes!!!

-don't open old wounds, don't read old texts, don't let yourself miss someone who doesn't think about you

-friends let friends make crappy decisions, then friends hold their friends hands and hearts when that crappy decision breaks their heart

-go for what you want because always wondering what you're missing out on is sucky

-dressing up in hotel bath robes and taking selfies is fun when you're 8 or when you're 18

Xoxo