We've All Been There: Boy Edition

Been there, done that.

I feel like crushing on or dating certain kind of guys is a rite of passage, like there are those types of guys that we just have all been there. I am not saying there is only a certain amount of types of guys, but I am sure that if you looked at your past "history" you could almost label your past loves as "the schmoozey guy," or "the bad boy," or "the perfectly perfect guy who wasn't the perfect guy," so I have put together a list of types of guys that I am sure we have all been there and done that.

The Guy That Will Be Different: "I know he has said that to her, but he means it this time," "he has this reputation, but he is being real with me," "it just feels so real that he has to be being real with me," I am not blaming or shaming any girl who has spoken these words, because these have all been spoken out of my lips, justifying the wrong guy to be the right guy. Okay so he is a player, but you are going to be the girl to change him! Okay he has a hard time committing but you are going to be the girl to make him commit! Okay so he has a reputation for breaking hearts, but you are going to be the girl to break his! I am going to let you in on a little secret that I have learned in my young 19 years: a boy will not change if he does not want to. The douche bag in your bio class is not going to be the Danny Zuko to your Sandy Olsson, he isn't going to automatically stop playing games with girls hearts because he has "found the one" when he is 18 and is in high school. Falling for The Guy That Will Be Different is a rite of passage, it teaches the girl who has fallen to not step below her worth, to rise above and to find the boy that treats her how she deserves, not one that she has to change so that she can finally get the Prince Charming she has been dreaming of.

The Perfectly Perfect Guy Who Wasn't The Perfect Guy: He is the nice guy, the kind of guy that wants to be a dentist and has plans to settle down with his beautiful wife and three kids, the kind of guy that wants to spend his weekends with the family and their golden retriever, the kind of guy that your great grandmother would be proud that you brought home. He does everything right, he opens doors for you and is super sweet and says nice things, but you find yourself falling for the idea of the Perfectly Perfect guy rather than the guy himself. Letting this guy down is hard, because he has not done anything wrong. How do you tell a Perfectly Person that the thing he is missing, is unexplainable and unable to put in words? But it is possible, and it must be done. This boy taught you how to break a heart, and that you still got a little bit of game left in you.

The Emotionally Unavailable Guy: Holy heck to hannah can we talk about anything hotter than a guy with issues, like you see a bad boy walking down the street with a grunt in his steps and you see the hurt and pain in his eyes and you want more than anything to fix him. You, again, want to be that girl to finally break this guy down and to let him learn to love. You might chip away at his hard exterior, but it never really goes away until he decides he wants it to go away, which only time can tell. The sucky thing about this guy is that because he is so emotionally unavailable you never have closure with him, you are always left with the lingering "what if," like "what if I could have been the girl to get to his heart?" Or "What if he still thinks about me?" Well, sorry to break it to ya girl, but he is long gone and moved on. He is onto the next girl, where she too needs to learn that she can't fix someone to love her, that she needs to find someone who is ready to love her the way she is ready to be loved.

The Rebound Guy: I love this guy! Big fan, big fan. My mom says "The best way to cure a broken heart is to find someone new," and wow I testify to that today, amen sista friend! Everyone has to be some body's rebound, that is just the way it is. Now, don't get too emotionally invested in the rebound, because while in the time frame of having a rebound you still miss your ex, you still kind of want him back and you still need a distraction from him. Basically your rebound is the distraction, the distraction from your bleeding and throbbing heart, and is honestly the quickest and most fool proof way to get over a guy, unless you get "the feels," then you should do as directed: take a step back and assess the situation, are you and said rebound hook up buddies or is there more emotion there, and is the emotion felt from missing your ex, or do you have real feelings? And are these feelings mutual? Because if not, step back before you get burned too quickly. Find a new way, I don't know that way but it has got to be out there. Let me know when you find it.

The Guy You Can't Have: He has a girlfriend, he comes with too much drama, he is your exes best friend, this guy, whoever and whatever he is, is like that McDonald's cup full of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, smiling at you, while you are on the first day of your "no soda," lifestyle (diet.) He is dreamy and flirty and messes with your wounded heart, but you can not have him. Every part of your senses is telling you no, but also screaming yes. Like cool down emotions, I can only take one at a time here. But it is all good, because this too shall pass, because either you get him or you don't. STORY TIME: One time, I totally fell for The Guy You Can't Have, like, under the circumstances it looked like a low blow of me, but I had indeed "caught the feels" and I acted on it in the best way I could, waiting for him to notice me until I moved 9,000 miles away and confessed my true and undying crush on him. It ended there, which is how most stories with The Guy You Can't Have go, stories over, time to go home, the end. The thing about The Guy You Can't Have is that he is named that for a reason, if you can't have him, there is a meaning, one that we can see now or that will be unfolded to us in the future. 

I really so much truly do hope that everyone in this world finds The Guy They Deserve, the guy who fills them up and the guy who makes everything jealous, bad and malicious in this world fade away. I don't really know that much about love, or anything, but I know that if we open our hearts, we will all be blessed with an undying love, maybe one greater than Danny and Sandy. Best wishes.

xoxo

The D Word

So here's the thing, I will and love to openly talk about heartbreak. I live to gab about the boys I've kissed, the boys that broke my heart and the boys who's hearts I've broken. I can carry on a conversation about my goals, the milestones I've overcome, the milestones I've seen my friends overcome. I can, and have, built friendships based on my simple love for the art of fashion. I can discuss the body image issues I've had, I can sympathize with the girls who have felt fat and have felt unworthy of a cute boy and who just do not like themselves. I can even talk about bras- sometimes. I openly spill my emotions on every subject, except for the big scary one. Divorce. The first time that I let myself talk and write about the Divorce was when I was writing a college essay, about 3 1/2 years after It happened, and I sat in the airport sobbing uncontrollably because that pain that I had worked so hard to bury deep beneath me was finally reappearing, and it hurt worse than anything I knew. If only I knew what heartbreak felt like then. ;-) That was a breaking point for me, when I finally really accepted my reality. That I am among the majority of our country, living among the broken homes.

I think the word "broken" when describing my family is a part of what stabbed me so hard. I wasn't broken because my mom and dad no longer lived together anymore. I was still loved, I still saw my dad every week and he never disappeared. I was still fed and clothed and I made it to school, almost, everyday. 

But today I was talking to the cutest and sassiest 4 year old imaginable about my family. I explained how I have 2 brothers that are my own, and then on one side I have 2 step sisters and one step brother, then on the other side I have 3 step sisters and 3 step brothers. I have two moms and two dads. I have like quadruple the grandparents. It is kind of a hard concept for a 4 year old to grasp, I thought, until she said "you are so lucky you have so many people in your family," and I remembered what I wrote in my journal the summer my dad got married. "I just have more people in my life to love," and I am not saying by any means from that point on that I was the perfect step daughter or step sister, I am sure my family can vouch for me ;-), but I think at that point I truly realized to love what is in front of me. To soak in the trials I am faced with, and become a better person. Sometimes the only happiness we have in our lives is the happiness what we create out of our heartbreaking, devastating and just crappy situations. 

But as I think of this concept, that I may have a "broken" family, that I simply have more people I get to love, I think of the phrase "come what may and love it," that phrase just speaks to my soul! I mean that phrase gets me all hallelujah-ing and swaying to the truth it speaks, because I think if there is one phrase I will remember until the day I die, is to let "come what may and love it." Because when the world in front of you is crumbling, when all you know is lost, when your parents divorce or you boyfriend breaks up with you, you have one reality in front of you. You can't hangout at a friend's house where the family is happily together or third wheel on your friends relationship for forever, at some point reality becomes reality and you have to accept it. But just because reality can suck, doesn't mean that you have to have the life sucked out of you too.

This phrase is a tricky one, because when what comes comes, and it does- trust me- it comes hard. There have been few times in my life where I have felt it come down on me, but when it does it kind of feels like there is an earthquake inside of my little world and also a plague is going through the world and also all dogs on the planet are dead, that is pretty much what it feels like. And if I could take my own advice daily, of finding the joy in the hardest and most bitter parts of life, I would be a lot better off. But for some reason, because I have finally come to terms with my reality, that yeah I have a family that grew about 5 times in size within 5 years, I feel like I need to let the universe know that I am okay with talking about "the D word."

xoxo

Good Friend vs. Best Friend

Me: I am running out of fuel, I do not have any more good and fiery blog posts anymore

Carson: The difference between a good friend and a best friend

So when I am on Ellen for my sassy blog, I have a few people to thank. The boy who inspired my infamous first blog post "oops," my utter distaste for army pants, Taylor Swift lyrics, boys who have done my friends and I wrong, and, Carson. 

Friends are like a 7 layer cake. Like the human body comes in different "shapes and sizes," friends do too. Friends are there with a Diet Coke when boys aren't, friends are there to go prom dress shopping with you and friends are there, sometimes, even when you don't want them there. And those are the most important kind, a good friend can sense when something is off and she won't push it, but she is always there.

A good friend likes to get lunch and catch up.

A best friend walks in your room with Ben & Jerrys to talk about everything on end until the wee hours of the morning, where you are both laughing so hard that you are pretty sure chocolate flavored tears are coming out of your eyes from the insane amount of icecream consumed.

A good friend tells you the boy is bad for you.

A best friend tells you the boy is bad for you, then tells you that if he makes you happy then that's how she wants to see you, then holds your hand-witholding "I told you so"- when your best friend was right all along.

A good friend casually implies that dress is a bit short and maybe you should go up a size.

A best friend tells you to flaunt it if you got it, and demands you go down a size to show off your legs.

A good friend tweets "lunch date," with a picture of you looking down at your apple walnut salad.

A best friend snapchats ugly pictures of you to her story, usually you are in pjs or half swimsuit half sweats, it depends on the day.

A good friend keeps you from talking to the boy who broke your heart.

A best friend flips the boy off who broke your heart while pulling up next to him at a stoplight.

A good friend likes to gossip with you about other girls in your friend group.

A best friend spills everything to you about everyone, good and bad.

A good friend will listen to your boy stories with fake interest, trying to pay attention, but sometimes it is hard so she will fade away in the conversation.

A best friend will listen to your analysis of a relationship over and over, with a new take and outlook everytime you guys reach the subject.

A good friend tries to be a good friend by helping her friend do what she does, be the kind of person she is.

A best friend accepts that their best friend has different outlooks on life than she does, but still accepts her all the same.

As Shay said "I don't know how I got to have such good friends as you guys, but now you're stuck with me." I love that. I love friends that I am stuck with, I love friends that will call me out on my crap but also know how much I can handle. I love friends. Friends are important.

xoxo

"Tide To-Go Pens Don't Work On Boyfriends"

Every English teacher that I have encountered has banned the word "things" from the writing of their students. But here's the issue- sometimes I don't know how to put my thoughts into words, I put my thoughts in sounds or tears or icecream, but sometimes coming up with the right word is just hard, and since I am not being graded on my posts I will use "thing" and "stuff" and "your" all I want. 

There are some things that I wish were real things. I wish white out could be used in conversations, I wish I could wipe a tide to go pen over memories and I wish there was a refund or insurance policy on feelings. Yes, I know, we all (insert caring and sympathetic therapist tone of voice) learn from our mistakes and that shapes us into better human beings. And I know that and I fully believe that, but sometimes I get a little rerun of an old feeling and I can't focus- like my vision gets blurred and my speech is confusing and I just wish it would go away. So I am calling a momentary bluff on "we learn from our mistakes."

I wish that when I am talking to a cute boy and I deeply embarrass myself, like pausing because my brain literally freezes because the human in front of me is sent straight from God and I do not think I will ever encounter such a beautiful human being in my life, that I could whip out a can of white out from my back pocket and just cover up that moment. Like whoops, I embarrassed myself yet again can we just scratch that out. Like can we please pretend that I did not just say something too personal or too deep or too feelingy or too clingy, let's just mask it in a thick coat of white out and call it good, pretty please? 

I wish that I could get a refund or insurance policy on feelings. Like before I start to fall for a guy, can I somehow purchase a package that states "incase he turns out to be a total jerk, which a large percentage of guys are, you may feel no remorse when you wake up the day after he breaks your heart, you will not feel the embarrassment of a breakup, you will not miss him because you are smart and you purchased insurance." Like yes, I would please like to return all memories and kisses from this boy, and I am not liable for any damage caused to my broken self. I would invest some big bucks in a little package that would ensure that in the case of a fatal like heart break, that I will be able to build myself up enough in time to not feel the physical toll that a broken heart has on my body. It is like a little cushion. So many nights that I have spent with an aching heart I wished with all of my might that it would go away, that I could pay a price or sign a slip and all of my past feelings and emotions would wipe away. Some call this drugs, I call it icecream and diet coke, but icecream and diet coke starts to take a toll on your body.

Ok so major confession- I have a secret Pinterest board of Taylor Swift quotes that I look at when it is just one of "thoooose" days. I don't know why or how, but Taylor Swift just GETS IT. I mean, she would be a great counselor I feel like because she has expirienced it all. Her quotes seem to describe how too well she knows the "aching of your body crumbling over after a heartbreak" feeling, she knows the "kick-a** mood of I am going to break him" feeling, she knows the "crazy ex-girlfriend" feeling, she knows the "I don't want him anymore but he is still on my mind" feeling- like she knows it all. And that is comforting- especially to see one's feelings in writing. So on one of my binge nights of Taylor Swift quotes I saw this quote  "Tide to-go pens don't work on boyfriends," and ok maybe it is because I am very exhausted or my mind just is not the sharpest tool in the tool box, but it took me a minute to get it. And then I did, and then a light went off and my laptop screen lit up and here we are. Wouldn't that be rad if after a breakup or heartbreak or ending of a "thing" one could go to Target and grab a "tide to-go" pen and just wipe it all over their shattered heart? And I know and believe that trials make you stronger and all of that good stuff, but honestly, we all have been there and it hurts. And sometimes I could really use a tide to-go pen.

So, let's put science to a greater use and create some packages to ensure the sting of a heartbreak is not too heavy to handle.

xoxo

I Run

I'm a runner. Mentally and (sort of) physically. When things get hard, I run. When my parents told me they were getting divorced, I ran across the neighborhood. When a boy tried to break my heart, I went for a run until I absolutely could not breathe. When I couldn't make a decision and I felt like the world was crashing down on me, I ran away- 9,000 miles away. So I run, aka I hide from my problems. I shove everything under the mat as far as it can go. I make sure that any confrontation or issue is hid far from any eyes. If I am upset or hurt or grieving, I don't want people to see. I vividly remember one day being just so distraught in class, the mat could not longer contain my feelings, and it felt as though everyone caught on. I hated it. I hate how someone can look at my facial expression and see that I am breaking inside, it just sucks. I would have ran from the millions of "what's wrong," "why are you sad" and awfully pressuring questions, but I was out of absences and I really needed to graduate. 

When things would bug me or get under my skin I would not let it bug me and make sure the person provoking me was comfortable. No confrontation=comfort, right? :-( wrong. Sorry Kenz, you can only be walked all over for so long. It's not okay or normal to let other people's feelings and emotions over bear your well being. This is not selfish, it took me a long time to realize this. Yes, being compassionate and emphathizing with one another is important and necessary, and hard to not do, but it is taking me a long while to realize this. To realize that it is okay to let someone know when they're bugging the crap out of you. Tell your boyfriend when he's pissing you off, tell your best friend when she's being irrational, tell yourself it is okay to feel what you are feeling when you are feeling it. We feel things for a reason, we don't get bugged at a situation for the heck of it, it's not like our brain says "hey he is treating me super crappy and I'm gonna get bugged by it and not say anything just for kicks and giggles! Wahoo!" Feelings, like a cute boy, should never go unrecognized. 

This is to all of the shover underneath the ruggers, to the anti confrontationalists, to the people pleasers, to the runners- do what makes you happy. Always uplift one another along the way, but remember what you're feeling. Listen to feelings, they're important. 

Xoxo

Alma 5:27

Nineteen

Creepy

Old

Fergalicious

Crazy

Tough

Lipstick

Baby

Eeeek

Cry

Gross

Cool

Red

Decisions

Commitment

Dance

Laugh

Cringe

Change

Yuck

When I think of 19 those are the words that come to my head. I associate odd things, like to me the time "4am" is like raw meat. I don't know, I am weird and I don't know how to stop being weird. Sometimes I still worry that my mom actually did pay all of the boys who asked me to dances to ask me, but it's okay because I went- so what. 

I have mentioned this before, but the number 19 is so cool to me. Like when I meet people who are 19 they always have beautiful long hair, black nail polish, a smokin' bod and also a boyfriend who rides a motorcycle without a helmet- dreamy. But the other night I was laying in bed and realization struck me that this is my last year as a teen. It is my last year where I can eat ice cream as a meal, my last year where I can really talk about high school, my last year of my youth. I mean it kind of is all downhill from here. Once I hit 20 I feel like the words are "mortgage, kids, decisions, broccoli, grump." I know that is not true, and that life really goes uphill- I am hoping and assuming so, because so many people make it past 19- but the thought of no longer being a teen makes me want to eat my hair. Maybe that will get rid of all of my split ends. Here are 19 things that I will miss about being a teen:

19. Ordering off of the kids menu

18. A teenager metabolism

17. Not being officially moved out

16. Still on my parents insurance

15. My mom schedules my dentist appointments for me

14. Sitting at the kids table at family functions (the kids table has a bad rep, but hey, I can sit at the kids table and eat all of the white bread rolls with butter I want without the disapproving eyes of a grown up)

13. My hardest decisions of the day include what should I eat for lunch and how do I trick Harleigh into letting me braid her hair?

12. I can still have "crushes" on "boys" instead of doing the adult thing and talking to them like a normal human being

11. Eating 4 pieces of pizza and not feeling sick

10. Eating 4 pieces of pizza and then being able to go on a run

9. I can still drag my parents along with me to do "grown up" things, like signing up for school or an apartment

8. Long hair

7. Still having an optimistic outlook on life

6. Colorful nail polish

5. Having time to "do lunch" with friends, like 5 times a day

4. No grown up jobs, kind of

3. Short skirts

2. Bad heels that kill your feet, but I still have the stamina to endure

1. I don't really have to go to singles ward yet

Dear 19 years old, I promise to be brave, I promise to let new challenges scare me but I promise to tackle them, I promise to love the things I love and learn to love the things I hate, I promise I will try to dress better and eat better and speak kinder words, I promise to not be married while I am 19. 19, please be good to me.

xoxo

Thoughts That Came Into My Head

Straight from Twitter drafts though:

-My favorite thing about living in Malaysia is not running into people I know

-Seriously craving Red Robin French fry powder stuff ugh

-Being wanted is a good feeling though

-Sometimes it's the thought of a happy future that keeps you going

-Today I was holding a baby and got baby hungry and then the little thing started crying and I became puppy hungry instead

-"I think I cease to exist"

-I hope your ex dates all of your best friends

-It's you, it's always been you

-I love cheesy couple selfies I think they're CUTE sue me I don't care, bite me hate me whatever

-That point where you're so tired you fall asleep in the shower

-"We are impulsive and compulsive"

-Today I am grateful I am not the same person I was a year ago

-Question of the day: Why do guys think being a d bag makes them more attractive???

-I'm a solid four- in looks, size and personality

"And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait," I don't think I have ever laughed louder out loud in a public setting because of a book

-"Time passed, and pain turned to memory"

-I'm weird and I don't know how to stop being weird so sometimes you just gotta embrace it

-Firm believer in love the lovers, play the players

-Getting stuck in the elevator daily needs to stop being a thing

-When the thought makes you sick

-There's never a problem pizza can't solve

xoxo